Content

• Steps
• Advice

Conflict is an unavoidable problem and arises in all relationships as well as within ourselves. In general, conflict is a sign that there will be a change or a breakthrough, making it easier for you and others to understand each other and communicate more easily, whether it happens to you or to someone else. Although conflict resolution is not easy, it is important that you facilitate the exchange, discussion, and finding solutions to the problem because conflicts are a part of everyday life. our.

Steps

Part 1 of 2: Resolving Conflict Between Individuals

1. 

   Identify the problem. Analyze the conflict to clarify the key or many existing problems. Some contradictions seem very complex and can be seen as a web of problems, with many curves and turns. However, if you consider things carefully, you will discover one or two key points that lead to a conflict to help you focus on your role, and make your concerns clearer.
   • Some things to ponder such as: What event or moment sparked the conflict? What wish did you not achieve? What are you afraid of losing? Was your anger / disappointment correct and appropriate or did you exaggerate?
   • Make a list of the problems you find during your reflection and make a note of the items that have in common or are related. If you can't see the core problem, duplication points will help you identify it immediately.

   

   
   

   Gene Linetsky, MS

   Startup founder and technical director Gene Linetsky is startup founder and software engineer in the San Francisco Bay Area. He has been in the high-tech industry for more than 30 years and is currently the Technical Director at Poynt, a technology company that makes smart Point-of-Sale devices for businesses.

   

   Gene Linetsky, MS
   Start-up founder and technical director

   Focus on the problem instead of the person. Gene Linetsky, startup founder and software engineer, said: "When my employees have a conflict, I will ask them to list the disagreements and what they agree on regarding it. It is important that they point out what is relevant to the problem instead of reacting to the other's opinion or approach.

   
   

2. 

   Identify the parties involved. It is also important to make sure that the individuals involved in the conflict are identified. Ask yourself who made you angry and / or frustrated and have you shown that anger or disappointment in front of that person or someone else? Knowing who you need to talk to is just as important as knowing what you should say for effective conflict resolution.
   • Take an objective view of your partner and your problem. See a problem as a particular behavior or situation instead of attributing it to the person's personal characteristics or qualities. This will make it easier for you to resolve the matter in order to save the relationship between the two of you. On the contrary, you just need to define that you do not like to interact with this person anymore.

3. 

   
   
   Express your concerns. Let the other person know how you feel, what the specific problem is, and what impact it has on you. This allows you to control the conversation based on your needs and feelings instead of having to say aggressive words that influence the other person's personality and behavior.
   • Use sentences that begin with "I", like "I feel ...", "I think ...", "When you (purposefully describe the problem), I see ...", "I want (what you want the opponent will work in the future to prevent an undesirable situation)… ". For example, "I see we haven't spent enough time together ". This sentence is more effective than the sentence"Friend always doesn't care about me. "
   • Use neutral language. Usually when there is a conflict with someone, people often say provocative words such as defaming, calling out their names, insulting the opponent. These words only add to conflict and often take the conversation away from the problem that needs immediate resolution. Try to use neutral-colored words or use intentional language that is appropriate for your position to lessen the mood.
   • Be specific. Come up with two or three specific situations to explain your point of view and what you want the other person to understand. For example, if you find that your friends are not interested in you, include something like "I feel so sad when you leave my birthday party early to hang out with other friends instead of spending more time. with me ".

4. 

   
   
   Be an active listener. Active listening is one of the most effective tools you should master. Suitable for everyday life, it promises to bring positive communication, openness, and avoid the incarnation of aggression with others. The sole purpose of active listening is to make sure you understand the problem. Here are some tips to help you become an active, proactive listener:
   • Focus on the other person. Putting aside all the distractions of your mind and remind yourself that what the other person is saying is important. Through listening, you are gathering important information to find a way to resolve the conflict.
   • Maintain consistency (but avoid showing aggressive eye contact).
   • Avoid judgmental or angry body language such as rolling your eyes around, crossing your arms, sitting cross-legged, or smirking. You are here to gather information, not to judge, and you need to show the other person that you are trustworthy.
   • Give the person the right time and space to talk. Avoid interrupting while they are speaking; instead, keep the comments or questions that arise until the other person has finished saying what they want.
   • Encourage the other party with good faith actions and remarks. For example, a gentle nod or say, "I understand how annoying this is." A simple 'um' also helps the other person understand that you are with them. Such words and gestures demonstrate understanding and encourage conversation to continue.
   • Show empathy. Show sympathy for the other person's position; it also showed interest as well as a holistic view that both are human beings, not autonomous robots.
   • Pay attention to non-verbal expression. Learn to read other people's body language through expressions such as sitting posture, tone of voice, and facial expression. The signals emitted by the body are just as important as the speech itself, if not they are more important than that.

5. 

   
   
   Think. Often times, conflict stems from one party feeling as though he has not been heard and understood. This means you can resolve some conflicts simply by showing that you are still listening to the other person. During the conversation, repeat what the other person said from time to time. It asserts you understand and reassures the other person that you have understood what they said.
   • For example, if you have a conflict with a colleague at work, let them finish and summarize the main idea and reiterate the problem they raised: “So if I'm not mistaken, then you see yourself. was left out of the new project and wanted to be a member of the planning committee for this new project ”. After that, wait for the other party to confirm or correct the information.

6. 

   
   
   Together, resolve the conflict. Cooperation is seen as a means of conflict resolution. It requires each person to stop blaming each other and take responsibility for what they have contributed to causing conflicts.Commitment together to find a solution to the immediate problem. Here are some strategies to help you and your partner come to an agreement or settle a conflict:
   • Change your mindset. "Opinion" is the requirement that leads to a conflict, usually the two sides cannot be negotiated and go to a dead end. Opinions can be "I want a new roommate" or "I refuse to work with this person anymore". To thoroughly solve the problem, each side needs to stand in a new position to consider the issue.
   • Look at the present and the future. Conflict often directs people to attention to mistakes and past behavior. However, one of the most important things both sides need to do is forget about what happened in the past, just focus on finding ways to soothe and improve the situation for the present and the future.
   • Creative thinking. Normally, finding a solution that makes both parties happy is not easy and it often requires a smart, flexible way of thinking. Usually, when resolving a conflict, the two sides come to an agreement too soon or too quickly, the satisfaction does not last long because the two sides have not considered everything before reconciling (for example, if you and Your roommate has just decided to buy groceries and personal belongings for yourself, who will pay for the shared items like toilet paper?). Come up with options and alternatives to think "beyond the bounds".
   • Be specific when settling a conflict. When you are dealing with a conflict with another person, make sure to deal with them clearly and clearly. For example, it is possible that you and your roommate have a conflict and the two sides agree to come up with the "Board of Rules of the Room". Before you sign your consent, make sure you both understand each of the items outlined (For example, if the rules board asks you to clean the toilet twice each, that means twice a week or so). twice a month?). Make sure each person is able to explain the question or clarify the ambiguity, which can be understood differently, before signing the contract.

7. 

   Accept conflicting opinions. Everyone has a different point of view and rarely can agree on an issue completely. It is important not to try to analyze who is right and who is wrong. Proving you're right doesn't really matter and doesn't help solve the problem either.
   • Remember that right and wrong is only relative. What one person thinks is right doesn't necessarily mean that other people are right. For example, consider the differences in the testimony of witnesses who witnessed the same car accident, but it is possible that each person witnessed the incident from different perspectives. The truth lies in each person's personal point of view.

8. 

   Know when to give in. Some things can not be satisfied by both sides, especially if one party refuses to negotiate and insists on clinging to what it wants. So, you have to ask yourself how big this conflict problem is on you, whether you can give in or keep talking to find a new solution.
   • Does the problem really matter? This is something you need to ask yourself, and can test your ego. If your partner is determined not to give in and you find this more important to them than yourself, then it may be time to give in and end the conflict.
   • Making concessions doesn't mean being pitiful. It's as simple as, “Say, I heard what you said the other day when we were discussing differences in schedules. While I think I need change, I also think that maybe this issue is more important to you to me and I am more than happy to settle this discord. I will agree to keep the work schedule we have set up. This way, you can keep your opinion while supporting the opinions of others.

9. 

   Give each other time to ponder. If you get to a dead end, make an appointment with the other person to settle the argument later. However, it is important to make a clear appointment time. Determine a specific date and time for your next conversation. You can also ask the other person to take some time to think about it in your shoes.
   • While the two sides temporarily put aside the conversation, put yourself in the other person's shoes, thinking about why this is affecting them. If you were them, how would you deal with someone like you?
   • Also, be sure to re-analyze your personal opinion. Are there points that are not so important to you that you can leave out while still remaining important to yourself?
   • If the conflict occurs in business, at work or related to professional expertise, consider submitting a key summary that is not threatening to the person. This not only redefines what you understand, but also helps you to recall your personal opinion and show professionalism if once the issue is discussed outside of context during the event. This is also a form of accountability for each party.

10. 

    Maintain confidentiality. Keep the discussion of the conflict a secret between the two of you. In general, you should always deal with the person directly. Avoid letting contradictions leak to others to build up conflicts and spread false rumors.

11. 

    Forgive. If you and the other party are both at fault, you need to find out what you allow yourself to let go of for the other party, even if it seems like you can't really forget what happened. This is a very solid behavior, and is the easiest way for both sides to reconcile and cooperate together in the future.
    • If you really can't forgive the other person, you need to find a way to mediate a relationship between the two of you in case the two of you will see each other or work together in the future.
    • To forgive someone, you need a strong personality and compassion. If you can forgive the person who really hurt you, take pride in yourself for being able to forgive and let go of conflict.
    • If the rumor has been spread, call on the opponent to cooperate in planning to smash the false rumor.

12. 

    Get help from a third party or by an outsider. If you find that you have no other option and are making the situation worse, consider asking someone else to help settle the disagreement. You can use a counselor or a close friend who is a mutual friend of the two of you to settle the dispute.
    • Outsiders will have a better perspective of the situation while insiders have a lot of emotions that prevent them from thinking things through.
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Part 2 of 2: Resolving Your Inner Conflict

1. 

   Understand the nature of human conflict. Conflicts or internal contradictions are conflicts within yourself; in other words, they are "your conflict", not "our conflict" because it does not involve another person.
   • Internal conflicts are related to your own feelings, thoughts or decisions, but these can also be related to another thing or person. For example, you might be jealous of your best friend getting a promotion. You are proud of your friends and wish them the best, but you also can't stop the jealousy inside. Therefore, the contradiction here is not with your friends but with your own feelings and it is clearly your own conflict.
   • Internal conflict, despite its difficulties to face, can also be a powerful motivator in one's life. It often causes us to change or explore opportunities to grow or improve.

2. 

   Identify conflict. Ask yourself what emotions are and what caused them. Consider writing a journal to keep track of the feelings you have been and are going through. Journaling can be considered a great strategy when your mood is not stable and you will need it when you want to discover the reasons for your inner conflicts.
   • Internal conflicts can range from small and mundane things like whether to eat organic lunches or not to important life decisions like quitting smoking, breaking up with a partner or changing careers. .

3. 

   Try to find the source of the conflict. Many internal conflicts and conflicts within the individual are related to what psychological circles call cognitive contradiction, situations that contain opposing views, beliefs and behaviors. Cognitive dissonance theory (Cognitive dissonance theory) suggests that we always have a tendency to control our attitudes and beliefs in harmony with our actions to avoid dissonance (or conflict).
   • For example, if you feel sad after a breakup, even though it was you who made the break up decision. As such, your emotions did not match your actions. Or as in another example, you smoke even though you know it's unhealthy. So, the act of smoking doesn't align with what you know about smoking.

4. 

   Acknowledge your own feelings. No one can "make" you think. That doesn't mean you don't have emotions, feelings in response to other people's words and actions for you, but in the end, your feelings are yours.
   • Understand and control "your own" thoughts - Even though they are negative thoughts like sadness, loneliness, pain, and heartbreak. Realizing your feelings is the first step in resolving your inner conflicts.

5. 

   Give yourself time. Control conflict so you even know that you will let go of any hesitation, insecurity, and / or denial. For sure, I myself have faced a series of obstacles ahead, and you have overcome them. Give yourself time.
   • Often times, people don't like to put time in its right place because quick and easy decisions will bring them immediate benefit. However, to deal with changes in your inner feelings, time is your best friend. Over time, being able to examine problems and make sure we deal with our emotions most effectively are the key to success.

6. 

   Consider your options. When dealing with a cognitive conflict, you have three solutions: change your belief, change your action or change your perception of the action by rationalizing it.
   • In a situation where you broke up and feel sad, begin to think carefully about what led to the breakup. Reflect on contradictions to help you resolve them; Chances are you realize you've done the right thing and know you only regret the relationship, not the person who treats you badly.
   • In the case that you smoke despite knowing that tobacco is bad for your health, many smokers have come up with many reasons to rationalize and justify behavior when faced with internal conflicting emotions. . For example, some smokers may make excuses by saying it relieves their stress, avoids overeating (another bad habit) or that they smoke "light" cigarettes is "better". Of course, there are also smokers who effectively change their habits and quit smoking!
   • Be your own therapist when evaluating options. Ask yourself tough questions to alleviate the conflict (For example, what's the worst that could happen if I keep smoking? Would I be happier if I hadn't broken up with him? Am I jealous of my best friend or am I resisting the fact that I'm not making progress ?, etc). You can grapple with issues, but usually you will know what questions you need to ask yourself. Assuming you are your own best friend, what questions do you need to ask yourself to sort out the conflict?

7. 

   Talk to someone about your inner conflict. Dealing with internal conflicts can be a little difficult if you've struggled to decipher your thoughts, feelings, and needs. It can make you uncomfortable, restless, even depressed. Consider contacting someone like a friend or family member to ease your worries.
   • If you find yourself unable to resolve internal conflicts or feelings of grief or anxiety about yourself begin to interfere with your daily life, consider seeking a mental health professional to find solutions to solve internal conflicts effectively.
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Advice

1. • Always deal with conflict. Conflict will upset you and will build up if you ignore it.
   • The most important thing about conflict resolution is not what the conflict is, but how it should be handled. In fact, the conflict resolution process is more meaningful than the end result.