Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Increase your self-confidence
• Method 2 of 3: Become a skilled speaker
• Method 3 of 3: Keep your cool
• Tips

Being controlled means being balanced and elegant in social situations. If you want to be in control, you will need to gain confidence, become a good communicator, and learn how to stay calm in difficult situations.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Increase your self-confidence

1. Accept yourself. If you have self-confidence, you radiate self-control; these two fit together. Accepting yourself increases your self-esteem and can help develop confidence and self-control.
   • List your strengths and things you want to improve about yourself, including personal traits and attitude. Go through the list and express your acceptance for every part of yourself. Say, "I accept being talkative. I accept being a little temperamental at times."
   • In general, you can use an independent affirmation, such as saying to yourself, "I accept everything about myself. I accept who I am, what I look like, my past, present, and the future."
2. Believe in yourself. How you think about yourself affects your actions and your ability to be controlled. To develop self-confidence you will have to learn to believe in yourself. This means that you believe you are a positive person who has interesting things to share. This also means that you do things that give you confidence.
   • Visualization is a useful way to believe in yourself. Close your eyes and picture yourself as a confident and controlled person. Where are you? How does it feel? What are you thinking of? What are you doing?
   • Think positively about yourself. If you find yourself worrying or thinking negatively, reframe the situation. You can practice this by deliberately thinking, "I can do this. I can achieve anything I want. I believe in myself."
   • Try powerful postures. Our body language can actually change how we think about ourselves. Strength postures usually involve making yourself bigger (taking up more space) rather than smaller (implying a lack of self-confidence). Spread your legs a little further and place your hands on your hips. You can find more power postures online.
3. Focus on your strengths. Paying attention to the positive aspects of yourself can increase your ability to have more confidence and self-control in social situations, which can also increase the likelihood that you will be accepted by others.
   • List your achievements. Did you get a 10 for a thesis? Can you swim very well and have you ever won a medal?
   • Think about how you can use your strengths now to increase your self-control.
4. Trust that it will all work out. Whatever the situation you are in, how you think about it can affect its outcome (good or bad). People who believe that something negative is going to happen can thus ensure that the outcome will actually manifest itself. For example, if you are afraid that you will say something stupid or wrong in a meeting, this thought can make you more nervous, causing you to stumble over your words. Then you created the outcome you feared in that way.
   • Rather than thinking about what could happen or the worst case scenario, focus on what you actually want to happen. Instead of thinking, "Oh no, I hope I'm not going to stumble over my words," consciously think of positive things like, "I want to speak clearly and effectively." I focus on being in control and feeling confident. I can do this. ”These positive thoughts are much more likely to reduce negative feelings and increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.
5. Provide social support. Supportive relationships can make you stronger and boost your overall confidence. Through others we can develop a sense of connection, belonging and acceptance.
   • If you feel depressed or lack confidence in yourself, talk to a friend or family member. Chances are, it can help you recognize your good sides and make your mood and thoughts a bit more positive. This can be particularly valuable to you and improve your self-confidence, because you know that others support you and believe in you.
   • Look at your relationships and ask yourself if the people around you and with whom you interact are supporting you. The social circles we are in are supposed to make us feel positive and lift us up when you are under stress. If people put you down or make you feel negative about yourself, these relationships aren't likely to make you more confident. If necessary, distance yourself from harmful relationships and focus on getting to know those who support you.

Method 2 of 3: Become a skilled speaker

1. Know a lot about a variety of topics. Talking to others in a relaxed way gives confidence and self-control. It's much easier to come up with topics of conversation if you know a lot about a variety of skills and topics.
   • Go to the library and read a variety of books. Find out about history, science, sociology, psychology or anything else you are interested in.
   • Search the internet and read and keep up to date with current events by browsing reputable websites.
   • Read a newspaper (online or in print) and learn about current events in your area as well as the rest of the world. This way, you can start a conversation by asking, "Have you heard about ___? What do you think about that?"
   • Learn new hobbies and activities. Some examples include: playing an instrument, dancing, yoga, rock climbing, skydiving, surfing, snowboarding, skiing, snorkeling, painting, drawing or singing. This way, when you meet a new person, you have plenty of activities to discuss. Chances are the other person has similar interests.
2. Listen. If you are present at social occasions, it is better to act as a "listener" instead of always wanting to speak. People love to be listened to and are attracted to people who take the time to listen to them.
   • Relax, breathe easy, and pretend you're talking to someone you've known your entire life.
   • Ask questions and show interest. Focus solely on the person and his or her experience, rather than what you want to say next. Be present in the moment.
   • Instead of questions that you can answer only "yes" or "no", ask open-ended questions. This increases the chance that you have a positive and smooth conversation.
   • Use active listening skills as they help build understanding and confidence. One way to show that you are listening is to confirm what the person just said. You can do this by saying, "I heard you are angry with your brother. Is that right?"
   • You can also provide feedback and validate the person. Say something like, "That sounds really hard. It sounds like you were hurt, and that makes sense given the situation."
3. Focus on the positive. When you talk about negative things, you may seem too much like a complainer and someone who lacks self-control. However, if you can focus on positive topics, people may notice your elegance and charm.
   • Ask positive questions such as, "What's going well in your life? What fun have you been doing lately?"
   • In general, it is better to avoid conversations about politics and religion unless you share the same mindset and openness on these topics.
4. Use assertive communication. Assertiveness generally means being respectful and open about your feelings and thoughts, while maintaining your tact and calm. Assertive communication is warm, welcoming and friendly.
   • One way to be assertive is to show understanding for others and their situations, while respecting your own needs and wishes and communicating with others. For example, you could say, "That's a great idea. What if we do this too?"
   • Show that you are assertive through your body language. Maintain appropriate eye contact (do not stare or look away, look around every now and then). Feel relaxed in your body; Don't make your body too small (hunched shoulders) or too big (hands on hips).
   • Don't use aggressive forms of communication, such as putting people down, swearing, or raising your voice.
   • Saying what you feel or think when you know it could hurt other people is also a form of aggressive communication; Some things are better ignored (negative comments about how someone looks or acts, for example). This way of speaking and acting can make you appear aggressive and make others feel like you're losing your cool.
   • Some cities offer "finishing schools" where social skills are taught.

Method 3 of 3: Keep your cool

1. Stop and take a deep breath. Part of self-control is keeping your cool in difficult or irritating situations. Rather than automatically reacting in a negative way, such as storming out of the room or yelling at someone, you can stay controlled by pausing and taking a breath or elegantly removing yourself from the situation (i.e. go to the toilet for a moment).
   • If you are alone, you can try a deep breathing exercise to calm yourself. Slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your breath and your experience with it. Your body should now start to relax and as soon as you feel calm you can stop the breathing exercise.
2. Observe. Being aware of what you are reacting to is an important part of keeping your cool. If you observe what is happening, you can start to change the way you respond to the situation and be more dignified.
   • Ask yourself, “What am I responding to? How do I think and feel about this situation? Is this a pattern from my past? Do I get angry about this situation or does it remind me of something that happened and touched a nerve? ”
   • Look at the bigger picture. Observe the situation from a distance, as if you were in a helicopter and viewing it from the air. What's the bigger picture? Will this situation still matter in a month, 6 months or a year? You may find yourself reacting to situations that have no long-term impact on your life.
3. Do what works. Having a plan on how to deal with difficult emotions is a guaranteed way to keep your cool in difficult circumstances. Point out some ways to deal with difficult emotions that work for you.
   • For example, if you find that you have a tendency to get angry when people disagree with you on a certain topic, you can learn specific coping techniques for dealing with such a situation. This could include taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or reminding yourself that others may disagree with you, which does not mean that they think you are stupid or that they don't like you.

Tips

• Never turn yourself into someone you don't want to be.
• Look at other people who have self-control and copy how they behave.