Author:
Christy White
Date Of Creation:
5 May 2021
Update Date:
1 July 2024
Content
Do you hold a grudge toward someone for hurting you? Can't you stand someone who seems better off than you? Resentment is the process of mentally dwelling on a painful or distressing situation where it causes you anger or bitterness. Resentment can consume you inside, poison your heart, and negatively impact your trust in others, your sense of compassion, or openness to love. Overcoming resentment means choosing to accept what happened and forgive the other person, as well as making changes in yourself so that these feelings don't negatively affect you.
To step
Part 1 of 2: Acknowledging your feelings
Identify the source and cause of your resentment. Determine the actual feelings you have and why you have them. Try to understand yourself. When did these resentment begin? Was there one or more events that made you feel that way? Does your resentment involve one person, such as a partner, or multiple people, such as your parents or family? - Recognizing the cause of your resentment will help you overcome it. For example, if you feel resentment because someone close to you has let you down or let you down, your solution could be to change your expectations about those people. Obviously, you can't change other people, so the solution is to change yourself or learn to accept what happened.
Know what your own role has been. Sometimes we hold a grudge toward others because we are angry that we made ourselves vulnerable enough to be hurt. Deep down, we may feel confused or ashamed that we somehow didn't see this situation coming. We feel anger that we haven't been attentive enough and trusted someone who hurt us. In a way, we get angry with ourselves for being human. - As this quote vividly points out, "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other to die." You have the strength to let go of the resentment or dwell on the bitterness. Know your own strength and avoid blaming the other person.
Wonder if what you feel is jealousy or right. Desire or the feeling that you must possess what another person has, be it superficial or innate, can lead to bitter feelings. If you hate someone because he or she has something you would like, then it is useless to pass these feelings on to that person. You have to come to terms with what you feel is missing from your life in order to overcome this form of resentment. - An example of jealousy that leads to resentment is getting angry with a coworker who got the promotion you fought for. Maybe you felt you were entitled to the promotion because you have a longer record of his.
- Grow above jealous resentment by being honest with yourself and taking action. Is it this person who is really making you angry or is it an aspect of yourself? If you really feel that your achievement deserves a second look, you can actively talk to your supervisors about other positions that may become available. Or, if you think you've outgrown your current employer, you can try to find a suitable position elsewhere.
- You are not jealous of that person, but of a quality or ability that the person has. Sit in front of it for a moment and honestly evaluate your feelings and manage the jealousy to improve yourself.
Feel what you feel. Anger and resentment are powerful feelings. We often do more harm to ourselves by pretending that these feelings are not there or by hiding them. Resentment happens because we flee from our feelings about the situation, so we replace them by developing hatred or resentment towards the person in question. We must accept our feelings in order to heal. - Anger often masks various other emotions that are more difficult to understand or show. People show anger because it is easier to appear angry than to show that we feel rejected, disappointed, jealous, confused, or hurt.
- Take a moment for yourself and not only think about what happened to you, but really feel all the emotions that come with this situation. Feel angry when you are angry. Acknowledge your pain or confusion. Don't push these feelings away. Only by really feeling what you feel can you move on from here.
Talk to a friend or trusted person. Find someone you can talk to and tell them what happened that upset you so much. Talking about your feelings with someone else can help you see the situation more objectively. Another individual may be able to see patterns in your behavior that contributed to what happened and help you brainstorm a solution. It's always good to have people you can talk to. 
Write down what this person did to upset you. Write down the situation or situations in as much detail as possible and do not omit anything. Once you've done that, write down the traits of the person you loathe. Do not use nicknames to insult him or her. Is the person very self-centered, rude, cruel, disrespectful? Think about what the other has done and what category of disrespect this falls under. - Then write down how this person's behavior made you feel, bearing in mind that you are not only using anger, but looking deeper into what is under the anger.
- Finally, note how this behavior and your feelings about it have affected your life. For example, if your partner cheated on you, you could feel angry, sad, and confused. Your partner's cheating has made you struggle to trust people or bond with others for fear that they might hurt you too.
Tell the person how they upset you. In those situations where someone we love has hurt us, we have a desire to understand. It's true that understanding why someone hurt you won't make the situation go away - and the person may not even know why they did something - but a frank discussion about what happened is one step. toward healing. - Ask the person to talk to you. Explain your feelings about the situation using "I" statements, such as, "I was hurt by ____". After you do that, without criticizing, ask if the person can try to explain the situation from his or her point of view.
- Do not confront the person until you have gained an objective perspective of the situation, which means that you have recognized your role in the event and faced your feelings.
- If you think you will continue to be in a relationship with this person, explain to them how important it would be for you to receive an apology or whether specific remedial action will be taken. For example, if your partner has acted indiscreetly and you have decided to stay with this person, then you should set boundaries and guidelines for what you expect from his or her future behavior.
Part 2 of 2: Letting go of resentment
Stop ruminating. Rumination refers to rethinking a situation over and over again, which makes you start to live in the past and make you feel negative. Rumination is the root of resentment. Therefore, to get rid of that, you must first learn to control your thoughts. Three ways to get rid of rumination include: - Focus on the solution instead of the problem. This is a healthy and forward-looking way to deal with resentment. Getting stuck in what happened will get you nowhere. What helps to grow is to make a plan to learn from the situation. Write down a few ways to resolve this situation, such as training your stress management skills or adjusting your expectations of others.
- Look at your analysis of the situation twice. Sometimes we hold grudges based on perceived mistakes. The other person may not even know that he or she did something wrong, or if he or she did, it was never intended to hurt you. Try to look at your situation realistically. Do you expect the other person to be able to read your mind?
- Focus on your strengths. If another person hurt you, you may be spending an enormous amount of time researching your mistakes. Try to identify your strengths that may relate to the situation. For example, if a friend has let you down, it can be a strength that you have other friends with whom you still maintain a good relationship. A potential strength of yours may be that you choose to forgive someone even though they have done something wrong.
Write down the reconciling qualities of the person who hurt you. This may be the last thing you want to do, but it is helpful to try to acknowledge the good qualities of the person who hurt you in order to move on, as well as to look at the situation more objectively. Human beings make mistakes and no human is completely bad. Everyone has good qualities that are worth highlighting; find it in this person. 
Forgive. Wounds caused by those we care about can have a lasting impact. However, holding on to grudges prevents you from healing and growing. Choose to forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to keep this person in your life. Nor does it mean that you should forget what happened. Forgiveness simply means that you choose to free this person from your anger and let go of these negative feelings that you have been holding onto. Forgiveness makes you a better person. - Forgiveness can take many forms, but ultimately it means letting go of feelings of resentment. You could just say out loud, after processing your feelings about the situation, that you don't intend to hold a grudge. Say, "I forgive you." Tell the person personally if you want to keep them in your life.
- After you write down what happened, tear the paper up or throw it in your fireplace. Remove the power this person has over you by choosing to forgive them and move on.
- Have compassion for yourself. In addition to forgiving the person, you should also strive to forgive yourself. Do yourself the same service you would give to others. You are also worthy of forgiveness.
- Verbally express how you forgive yourself and have compassion for yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and say, "I love you", "I am only human", "I am a work in progress" or "I am enough".
Seek understanding from a spiritual point of view. If you are a spiritual person, try to find meaning in the situation you have been through. Did this happen to you so that you can bear testimony for others? Could your situation be a source of inspiration or encouragement to someone else? In addition, depending on your faith, it can be detrimental to your spiritual health to be bitter towards a fellow human being. Pray, meditate, or speak to a spiritual advisor about letting go of resentment. 
Talk to a professional. If you are struggling to forgive and let go of your feelings of resentment, you may want to seek the help of a professional psychotherapist. Holding on to anger and resentment can affect your mental, physical, and emotional health. You may need treatment for anger management or cognitive behavioral techniques to help you overcome rumination.
Warnings
- Do your best not to retaliate or hurt someone else for being hurt. Remember that evil cannot be destroyed with evil, but only with good. Don't get stuck in pain and suffering.
