Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 4: Make the decision
• Method 2 of 4: Think ahead
• Method 3 of 4: Inform your wife (and children)
• Method 4 of 4: Leave

Divorces are never easy, and leaving your wife after you've decided to end the relationship is undoubtedly one of the toughest things you'll ever do. The process is never pretty, but if you can protect yourself and stay calm, you will get by in one piece.

To step

Method 1 of 4: Make the decision

1. Determine if you have a "hard" or "soft" problem. A “hard” problem is an unambiguous issue that causes irreversible damage. If you are dealing with a serious problem, you should leave the relationship as soon as possible. A “soft” problem is less pronounced than a hard problem, and there may or may not be a solution. That means taking the time to really scrutinize your marriage before deciding to end it over a mild problem.
   • Hard problems include assault, abuse, addiction and adultery.
   • Soft problems are things like growing apart, the feeling that “the love has run out,” and the like. These problems usually mask unacknowledged problems, such as feeling ignored, criticized, or isolated. It is important that you identify the underlying problems and try to tackle them. Do that before you decide that leaving your wife is the best solution.
2. Be honest and realistic. Leaving your wife will be a very unpleasant process, even if you split up on a reasonably good footing. If you catch yourself in unrealistic and idealistic dreams and want to leave your wife and pursue them, stop doing that - think again.
   • For example, if you're thinking of leaving your wife for your former high school crush or for an exciting new mistress, chances are you're romanticizing that new relationship. You are probably not looking at the benefits of your current marriage or thinking about the consequences of ending that relationship under these circumstances.
3. If help is an option, seek help. If you are dealing with a mild problem, try to mend the relationship with your spouse. Hire a relationship counselor and look for ways to make the marriage work again. Do that before you decide to call it a day.
4. Get out. Once you are confident that leaving your wife is the best option, go for it. Don't look back. One of the most important things you need is certainty. So if your decision is right, stick with it. Try not to doubt yourself in the future.

Method 2 of 4: Think ahead

1. Tell someone. When you start the process, you should find someone you can talk to. Find a counselor. This person should not be your wife or someone on her side. Choose a trusted friend or family member, or engage a professional therapist.
   • A counselor can provide you with emotional support throughout the process. He / she can guide you objectively when your emotions take over and cloud your perspective.
   • Plus, you provide yourself with an extra measure of security when you tell someone.
2. Decide where you will go. When you leave the house, you will have to find a place to stay. If you can't make long-term plans yet, at least decide where you will be staying in the short term. It's important to have somewhere to go when the divorce happens. The place you choose must be available for at least a few months.
3. If you plan to move in with a friend or family member, try to find out in advance how long you can stay there.
4. If you are planning to move into your own home, start looking for an apartment. Do this before informing your wife of your intentions. It is wise to sign the lease before you officially leave your wife.
5. Map out your precise expectations. In most cases, “leaving” ultimately means “divorce”. Ask yourself whether this is what you expect and want, or whether you might be better off opting for a legal separation for the time being.
6. Make an overview of the joint assets. Make a list of everything you share with your wife — money, valuables, real estate, etc. Map out how you think this wealth should be divided in the divorce.
   • If the financial capital is fully shared, you are entitled to half of that capital.
   • Valuable items belonging to you together should be distributed evenly. You may include properties that are specific to you, such as heirlooms. For the things you own together, make a list of the things that you can easily distance yourself from and the things that you will fight for.
   • You will also have to figure out which services are linked, and which services individually. Services include things like the internet connection and telephone plans. Services that you will no longer use, such as the Internet at home, become the responsibility of your spouse. Shared telephone subscriptions will have to be split up as soon as the divorce is finalized.
7. Gather your paperwork. This includes your marriage certificate and property rights. Find the paperwork and make copies of everything. Keep these copies in a safe place outside the house, especially if you expect problems during the break.
   • Look for important data, any military documents, bank statements, insurance policies, documents regarding your pension, car documents, mortgage statements, documents regarding loans, credit card statements, stock certificates, etc.
8. Open your own bank account. If you only have a joint bank account, or if your wife has access to your personal bank account, it makes sense to open a private bank account - without her knowing about it. Have your salary transferred to that new account.
9. Also pay close attention to any joint bank accounts during this period. If your wife has a hand in manipulating you or emotionally blackmailing you, she could take money from that account in an attempt to prevent you from leaving.
   • You can often withdraw up to about half of the money in joint accounts. However, if you do this from scratch, your wife may start to suspect that something is wrong.
10. Transfer keepsakes to a safe location. If you trust your wife enough, you may not need to transfer your personal keepsakes and heirlooms to another location. However, if you anticipate problems, it is wise to remove from the house anything that could harm you or be used against you.
    • Make sure that the things you take out of the house can be lawfully considered your property; and not lawfully as jointly owned. Usually, gifts and inherited belongings are considered personal property, not collective ones.
11. Hide weapons and potential weapons. Again, if you assume the breakup will be friendly enough, then you won't have to worry about firearms in the house. However, if you have reason to fear for your or your wife's safety, then you should remove all weapons from the house. Transfer them to a safe place without your wife knowing about it.
    • You may not be worried that your wife will take you at gunpoint, but keep in mind that she might aim the gun at herself if you leave. Remove all firearms if there is a chance she might harm herself.
12. Make spare keys. This is advisable anyway, regardless of whether your wife is balanced or not at all. Make a spare key to the car, the house, and all other important things. Give these spare keys to a trusted friend or family member.
13. Know whether to notify the police or not. Usually this is not necessary, but if your wife has threatened to make a false report of domestic violence in the past, she may just do so if you decide to leave her. Notify authorities of past threats.
    • Tell the police about previous threats and the conversation you will have with her. Ask them about ways you can protect yourself from false reporting.
    • The police may still decide to take the report seriously and investigate the situation. However, if you inform the police in advance, she could take this into account and adjust her actions accordingly.

Method 3 of 4: Inform your wife (and children)

1. Write a script. Plan in advance everything you want to tell your wife. Do that before actually telling her. Write a script and try to memorize it as best you can. Of course you don't have to be able to repeat every word literally, but it is important that you can cover all points.
   • Make sure to keep the focus on your reasons for leaving and your experience. Refrain from accusing language that the Black Pete passes at your wife, even if you believe your wife is the main culprit.
   • Describe your expectations, and leave enough space in the conversation for your wife to respond to those expectations with her own thoughts.
   • Check your script. See if you wrote things out of sheer anger or a desire to hurt your wife. If so, you should delete or revise those pieces.
2. Make sure your counselor is on standby. You will likely need help and support after talking to your wife. Let your counselor know when you plan to make the news, and ask him / her to be available for you after the interview.
3. Make a purposeful plan. Do not drop the bomb at any time. Determine in advance where you are going to tell the news, on what day, and at what time. Make sure your wife knows to keep that time off, but don't tell her the news before the predetermined time.
   • Don't surprise your wife with the news just before she goes to work, when you're at a party, or at a restaurant. Choose a time when you are not limited in terms of time or voice volume.
   • If you are concerned about your physical safety, choose a public place that still has a fair amount of privacy. For example, choose a park.
   • Stick to your plan, and resist the temptation to blurt everything out in a fit of anger or pain.
4. Keep calm and stick to the script. Sit down with your wife, and then work according to the script you prepared in advance. You can assume she will get emotional, but try to avoid yelling at each other. Try to be as calm, unbiased, and objective as possible.
   • Don't forget to talk to your wife; and not against her. Take a break during the script to see how she is doing. Make sure that she can absorb all the information, and that that information actually comes in.
   • Stay focused and consistent. Know that your talk serves a specific purpose. Avoid saying or doing things that could cause confusion. Maybe you want to help your wife calm her emotions, or you get distracted by all the happy memories you share. Just know that that will only delay the inevitable, and that the conversation will be unnecessarily long for both of you.
   • Don't argue about the meaning of words. Explain the situation as simply as possible, but also as nicely as possible. That way you increase the chance that she will understand you.
   • Understand your wife if she is surprised or hurt by your statement; don't let this stop you from getting on with it, though. You don't have to justify your decision to your wife.
5. Tell your kids (if applicable). If you and your wife have kids, find a way to tell them. At best, you and your wife will tell the children together. However, if you suspect that your wife will try to manipulate them, you should talk to your children separately.
   • Make a script for your children, just like you did for your wife. Be honest, and make sure you are one hundred percent sure that they are not to blame.
   • Even if your kids are already grown up, don't tell them until you've left.

Method 4 of 4: Leave

1. Get out immediately. If you have told your wife that you are leaving, you should leave immediately. Pack your things and leave the house that same evening if possible.
   • Staying in the same house as your wife is asking for trouble. The atmosphere will be a lot grimmer, and the chances are that you will fall badly at each other or do things that you will later regret.
2. Hire a lawyer and start the process. Do not hesitate. You may think you can take your time once you're physically away from your wife, but the longer you keep putting it off, the more difficult it will be to take the next step.
   • In the Netherlands, the joint property of the spouses is frozen in the event of a divorce. However, this does not happen until the divorce has been filed with the court.
   • Plus, chances are your wife won't take it seriously until she sees the divorce papers.
3. Cut all ties. While some exes may become good friends again at some point, you should cut off all contact that isn't related to the divorce for now.
   • You will still need to maintain contact to work out the details of the divorce. If you have children, you will need to interact even more often. Just make sure to avoid social calls, especially those that are late at night if you want intimacy.
4. Stay strong. This process is difficult, but you can do it. Rely on loved ones and therapists for the emotional help you need, and consult an attorney or lawyer for legal support.