Author:
Roger Morrison
Date Of Creation:
3 September 2021
Update Date:
1 July 2024
Content
One of the most devastating, devastating events a marriage can experience is the heartbreak that flares up as a result of an affair. Now that that's over - really over - you want to try to glue the pieces together.
To step
After an affair, the first thing you should ask yourself is whether you really want to stay in the relationship, and whether you are willing to fight for it. If you really don't want to go on together, it is better to end the marriage with respect and on good terms. That is better than just prolonging the suffering. If you are both willing, the marriage can be restored, provided you both put in enough time and patience.
Evaluate the reasons for cheating. You have to try to understand your motivations inwardly. Why did you do it, what were your motives? These things don't just happen. What made you go off the path? Were you lonely in your marriage? Was it laziness in the marriage - were one of you bored, or did one of you get lazy? Were you flattered by the attention of the person you were cheating with? Why risk everything to have an affair with them? Value your own actions to avoid these triggers in the future. 
Accept the consequences. Don't keep defending yourself once the truth is out. Take full responsibility, and don't try to blame any of this on your spouse. It really won't do you any good if you say things like, “If you had tried harder to understand me, then…” The time has not yet come to explore the roots of your adultery with your partner. But in the early moments of discovery, the best you can do — if you really want to mend your marriage — is to take all the blame. 
Apologize. This sounds simple, but mumbling “Sorry” is of course not enough. Your husband will be terribly shocked, hurt, angry, and scared. Immediately make your sincere, heartfelt, and sincere apologies. Ask for forgiveness, and pledge never to repeat your actions. Understand that your apologies will not comfort your partner; however, leaving sincere apologies will do damage. 
Apologize regularly. No, this is not a disturbing repetition. If you confess an act like this, your husband has one whole lot time to come to terms with that betrayal. Right, let's call the animal by its name. You've had plenty of opportunities to make other decisions, but the one you made — that you got involved with emotionally and sexually — is the one you're dealing with right now. Your spouse will have to hear your apologies frequently for the next day, weeks, or even months. And each time should be as sincere and genuine as the first time. If you really want to fix your marriage, then you have to accept your husband's need to hear your remorse and regret several times over. Several times, and in several ways. - Say something like, “I've said sorry a million times - what does he / she want? Blood?" will not restore your marriage. But say something like “I would give anything not to be so stupid. I'm really, really sorry for causing so much pain, and I know it will take some time for you to believe and trust me again when I say it will never happen again, ”can help. Even if you say that for the millionth time.
Answer questions honestly. Your partner will want to ask you a lot of questions. Be willing to answer all of these candidly. You should avoid the details of your sexual acts. Because these can put painful images in your husband's mind — that is of no use to anyone. 
Be an open book. Don't hesitate to show your phone history, emails, text messages, Facebook chats, and the like. Do NOT remove them ASAP to spare your spouse from hurt feelings. He / she will only be more likely to fear that you are "hiding" something. 
If not already done, disconnect the other person over the phone in front of your spouse. Make it clear to the other person that your spouse is present, but that you do not, under any circumstances, feel compelled to disconnect from him / her. This is your choice. Apply your commitment to heal marriage now. Make it clear that you will never contact each other again, or, if possible (if it is a colleague or family member), describe the boundaries you place on the contact. 
Recognize that with the ending of your affair you could experience a feeling of deep loss. This is not a "negative sign" as to your feelings for your husband. If the affair has been going on for a while, you may have developed strong feelings towards this person. Maybe some kind of loyalty, or even a feeling like you're betraying him / her (!) By cutting off the relationship. This is not uncommon and is part of the recovery process of your marriage. Your feelings are your feelings. Acknowledge them and move on. - If your feelings for your lover / mistress are strong, and the negative feelings for your husband are equally strong, you may be tempted to seek comfort by "just talking" to your lover / mistress. This way you can try to find out what he / she is going through. This will not fix your marriage. Instead, talk to a therapist or psychologist to discuss your feelings.
Allow time for the recovery process. If your spouse is not inclined to forgive you immediately, then you should accept that. Professionals often compare an affair with post-traumatic stress disorder. Your partner may experience intrusions (intrusive thoughts and images), confusion, panic, fear, etc. Your spouse will need time to process all the information, and to wrestle through all the emotions and pain you have caused. It takes time. You don't expect someone who has broken his leg to go on a winter sport next weekend, do you? Likewise, your partner needs time, space, and support to get through this ordeal unharmed. 
Offer support and guarantee. If you were previously a rather absent spouse, you will have to change your behavior. Being in the relationship will play a key role in bringing your marriage to full health. 
Be prepared to be insulted or attacked - regularly. He / she will often put the fire on you. You should allow your partner to do that, and not fire back. At least not the first few times. However, don't allow him / her to make more than three comments per episode, or let the situation escalate. Try to understand the anger and try to defuse it through nonviolent communication. If that doesn't work, say, “I want us to work this out together. I want to try to fix it, I don't want to argue. Your comments hurt me, ”and walk out of the room for a moment. Your spouse may think that he / she will feel better after the attack, but verbal abuse is not good for either of you. You don't want to reinforce the idea that you are the “bad guy” forever if you want to heal the marriage. Be patient, and don't be surprised by offensive comments. If you can, try to give the situation a positive turn. Try to understand the pain behind his / her words, and don't respond to it. 
Record the temperature. Instead of lifting too much on the “sensitive chats”, you can just grab his or her hand at the kitchen table and ask him / her “How are we?”. Let your spouse know that you are interested and concerned about whatever feelings are being processed that day. If the answer is "Not so good today," pat the hand or try to give a small peck on the cheek. Let him / her know that you are there for him / her if he / she needs anything and that you will do your best. If the answer is “Good today,” put on a big smile, and give your husband a little kiss on the lips. Say “Hooray!” And suggest a small date: for example, a walk, a trip to the beach, a picnic, etc. You know, romantic things you used to do during your courtship. That's why you have to do that again now. Because you did that in the beginning too. You have to regain the object of your crush. 
Let your spouse take the reins for now. It is very important to give him / her a lot of leeway now. Don't try to force sex. Don't urge to watch the Champion's League with your friends. Do not irritate him / her if he / she just wants to sit in the garden and meditate, even if you are bored to death. For the time being, blow with every wind. 
Remember that you must be able to deal with the consequences of this decision forever. Trust is quickly gained — we fall in love, make our hearts available, and we don't constantly wonder if the one we love has earned that trust. We trust that person blindly. But once this trust is lost, it takes a long time to rebuild it. There will be the necessary obstacles in the way. Think of confidence as a beautiful, delicate vase made of crystal clear glass. It is a wonder that something so fragile can hold water, that it can be the cradle for life, and that it can be preserved forever if properly cared for. However, it can also be broken if you are not careful enough. You can then glue the vase back on, but you will always see the cracks. It may stand again without help, it may even hold water, but the memories of the break will always remain visible. These cracks can help you, if you allow them to. They can remind you why it is best to be faithful and keep your vows. However, you may also not want to reassemble that same fragile relationship. That you can never go back to this fragile, completely familiar state of being. Accept that. Now is the time to build a holder that may not look like the original one, but is stronger and more resilient. Work hard to build it.
Method 1 of 2: If your partner has had an affair
Resist the temptation to leave. If you've found out that your partner has cheated on you, then you want to pack your bags. However, if your spouse is genuinely sorry, and if you want to try to fix the relationship in any way, then you should try to do it together. 
Be persistent in evaluating. Blaming your husband and hating the person he / she cheated with isn't really helpful. If there were problems or signs before the infidelity, they will now be more clearly identified. If your marriage is really going to be repaired, then you should consider whether your behavior, in any way, may have contributed to the loneliness in your marriage. This does not mean that you are responsible for your partner's decision. It just means that it is now wise to make an honest and ruthless evaluation of your entire marriage - including your own behavior. There are a lot of things to consider in this horrible revelation: - Have you behaved in a way that can be described as "unlovable"? Don't be grumpy every now and then, we all are. But really unkind, not caring, unlovable behavior that could make someone, even if they really love you, want to seek their love, compassion, and tenderness elsewhere. If you've been cold or withdrawn from your partner, realize that your spouse entered the relationship because of your company. If you deprive him / her of compassion, tenderness, love, and sex, then he / she can look elsewhere for those things, or end the relationship. It is not reasonable to believe that your husband would devote himself indefinitely to celibacy. Being sweet, tender, and / or sexy with your partner can make a real difference in your relationship.
- Trust your judgment. This is very difficult when you have discovered that your spouse has been involved with someone else. When you find out that your husband has been unfaithful, you feel ashamed, silly, and scared. It undermines your confidence. It puts your ability to make decisions, even the smallest ones, into question - what you're going to do, what you're doing, etc. You hesitate about all the little things. It's a terrible time for most of the people who have been in your shoes. You wonder the whole relationship has been a lie. The good news is, it probably isn't. Think about your relationship and the person you think your partner is real. If you believe him / her, trust your own judgment: believe in yourself and your own ability to make good decisions. Now acknowledge that you probably won't trust him / her. He / she has just proven that he / she is not worthy of your trust. But in the long run, this trust may perhaps be regained.
- Have you behaved in a way that can be described as "unlovable"? Don't be grumpy every now and then, we all are. But really unkind, not caring, unlovable behavior that could make someone, even if they really love you, want to seek their love, compassion, and tenderness elsewhere. If you've been cold or withdrawn from your partner, realize that your spouse entered the relationship because of your company. If you deprive him / her of compassion, tenderness, love, and sex, then he / she can look elsewhere for those things, or end the relationship. It is not reasonable to believe that your husband would devote himself indefinitely to celibacy. Being sweet, tender, and / or sexy with your partner can make a real difference in your relationship.
Process the anger, sadness, fear, mistrust, and shame. If necessary, you can look for a therapist to help you with this. Realize that you cannot solve “normal”. The normal response to finding out that a spouse has been unfaithful includes all of the above emotions. It takes time to sort out your emotions and understand them precisely. You will have to talk about it, and for that you need someone to give you that time and space. 
Choose to love again. If you can forgive your spouse, then you should also be able to see that he / she is really doing his / her best to show you that you are loved, that he / she is sorry, and that he / she sincerely wants to try again. build a relationship of trust with you. While it is natural to feel that you cannot fully trust him / her, you don't have to feel stupid for loving your husband. Allow yourself to love your partner even if you still feel hurt.
Method 2 of 2: Both of you
This is a personal matter. Keep it private. While it may be tempting to ask for support from friends and family, people who "want to hear your side of the story," you shouldn't. The last thing you would want friends or family members to "take your side" intentionally, putting your spouse in the damn corner. If you really have to, choose a friend who can support both you and your spouse. Be discrete about your feelings. But it is even better to go to a professional who can offer you solid advice. 
Take your time. There is no panacea. There will not be a magical moment when all will be forgiven, when all tears will dry up, all wounds will heal, and all anger will disappear. You will both feel pretty miserable for a long time. It may take years (2-5 years, in general) until you feel that you have made the right decision and that your marriage can really be restored. 
Act normally, even if you don't feel normal. Oh, what a mess! Does that mean you should pretend you're okay even if you're not? Frankly, yes. To a certain extent.Does this mean that you should never pout, be moody, rant on your spouse, or make ugly comments - even when you're angry, hurt, or whatever? Does this mean that you are not entitled to an authentic response to your feelings? No. There you are entitled. But that response will certainly not speed the recovery of your marriage. Does this mean that you should pretend you're having a good time when you actually want to take the hare path? Absolutely. You may even think that every day. After all, it could be considerably easier than going through all of this, right? But take one step at a time. Stay polite. Be warm. Be nice. If you want to make those ugly comments, rather choose to rub your partner on the back for a moment. Without saying anything. If you feel lost or embarrassed, reach out and pat their hand. Performing such actions causes you to reprogram your reactions and convert bad thoughts into good actions. If you pretend that everything is normal, there will come a day when you realize that everything is actually normal is. This is a quiet realization, and will not present itself accompanied by fireworks. 
Find reasons to stay. There are a million reasons to leave. After adultery, life will be very hard for a long time. And the hurt party has absolutely no obligation to try to bring about reconciliation. So it can be doubly difficult to find reasons to stay. Still, whatever your choice and motivation for it (you have children, you believe your partner made a mistake but is still worthy of your love and to attach. Remind yourself of that motivation when you think about leaving again. Every house has his cross. This is yours now. - Let it go. The injured party will continue to refer to this longer than the one who cheated on it. The anger and the reactions that will follow are understandable, but verbal abuse is unacceptable, and will add nothing to the marriage repair process. In the long run you have to let it go. If you don't, the adulterer will start to hate your behavior. He / she will also be hardened and resistant to your punishment. If you continue to correct him / her, realize that this is a form of contempt. And contempt is only seen in the most troubled marriages. Now it is you who is wrong. Seek help from a relationship counselor, or choose to seek support from clergy. They can help you stop wanting to get old cows out of the ditch. No one will volunteer to be abused every day forever, even if he / she confesses to be blamed for wrongdoing. If you try to make the punishment last for life, then the marriage is doomed.
Be happy and enjoy. If you wake up one day and realize that you have accepted the incident, are forgiven for what happened, and are happy that you stayed together, then you survived the infidelity. Your marriage is once again intact, vital, and healthy.
Tips
- Believe in it. It is possible.
- Don't allow yourself to dwell on mental images of your partner and his / her lover / mistress for too long.
- Seek help. Don't go it alone. There are plenty of relationship therapists. Take your time, and choose one that suits you.
- If you are a believer, pray about it. Take refuge in your religion. Consult clergy. Pray together.
Warnings
- If your kids think you're “cool,” it can ease the guilt for a moment. But it can also jeopardize your attempts to fix things with your spouse. Just think about it: you make yourself (guilty if you are) the hero, while your husband (innocent if he / she is) is dismissed as the villain. The “less cool” parent tries to take on the difficult decisions by also selling “no” to the children. You lick your kids' heels so you can feel a little better about yourself. Your husband, who has already suffered enough for your crappy decisions, will come off as the bad guy. If you don't think your spouse will notice, then you are definitely not right. It will only lead to more hatred and anger. It will create more problems for you to apologize for and make up for. Ultimately, you are the one who has left you with the worst problems - you could have chosen not to be unfaithful, too. Do not undermine your efforts to restore the marriage with a pathetic effort to win the children over.
