Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Interact with a family member
• Method 2 of 3: Get Out of Codependent Situations
• Method 3 of 3: Maintain a Healthy Relationship

Codependency is an acquired behavior that is common in families. Because it is an acquired quality, it is often passed down from generation to generation. At its core, codependency is a behavioral condition that affects a person's ability to have healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. If you have a codependent family member, you may feel overwhelmed or manipulated. Breaking the cycle can seem like a difficult task. However, it can be dealt with as long as you can recognize and distance yourself from codependent behavior.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Interact with a family member

1. 1 Learn about codependent behavior. To recognize codependency, you need to know what it is. Taking the time to research this question can help you not only determine if your family member fits the description, but also help you understand their mental state. Only a mental health professional can diagnose codependency, however, there are several characteristic symptoms:
   • low self-esteem;
   • a constant desire to please other people;
   • complete or almost complete absence of personal boundaries;
   • caring for others as a means of control;
   • painful emotions
   SPECIALIST'S ADVICE

   

   Lauren Urban, LCSW

   
   
   Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist based in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in therapeutic work with children, families, couples and individual clients. She received her Master's Degree in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006. He specializes in working with members of the LGBTQ + community and with clients planning or in the process of getting rid of drug or alcohol addiction.

   Lauren Urban, LCSW
   Licensed psychotherapist

   Codependency implies a lack of boundaries between two people. Psychotherapist Lauren Urban says: “Even in very close relationships, such as between romantic partners or between parents and children, there should be fairly clear boundaries. In a codependent relationship, these boundaries either do not exist or are very weak, so no one participating in them actually has a separate identity. "

   
   
2. 2 Understand that you cannot cure your relative of codependency. Codependency is a mental health condition. As with many other mental health problems, you cannot heal or relieve your loved one. The person may not even see it as a problem and instead thinks they get along great with you and other family members.
   • Do not expect a person to consider their behavior codependent if they haven’t come to this conclusion on their own. Trying to get him to see your point of view is likely to make things worse.
   • In this case, psychotherapeutic treatment will be useful. However, a person is unlikely to turn to a specialist until he himself comes to the conclusion that this is the only option.
3. 3 Calculate where human codependency comes from. Don't feel like you need to resist emotional manipulation in any sense of the word. However, it is also important to understand that a codependent person may not be aware that they are manipulating you. In his opinion, he often supports you and tries for you to the best of his ability.Understanding whether the person is intentionally trying to manipulate you or not can help you figure out how you should interact with that family member.
   • Don't use this to try to justify his actions in your head. Just remember that a codependent person does not operate within the same framework as you. His actions are due to mental health problems.
4. 4 Consider if you are influencing codependent behavior. In some cases, codependency can be an overcompensating reaction to another person's behavior. Be honest with yourself if you are feeding a family member's codependency with any of your activities or behaviors.
   • For example, codependency is often observed in parents and spouses of drug addicts or alcoholics. A codependent person may feel an endless responsibility to care for the addict / alcoholic for fear of what will happen if they don't.
   • Give yourself an honest answer: can your behavior and your addictions fuel a person's codependency? If so, you may be part of a codependent relationship.
5. 5 Step away from the family member. Suspension does not mean that you will never see your relative or talk to him. In fact, detaching yourself means separating the family member from their manipulative behavior. Selectively only respond to things that are part of a family member's life or personality, not things that are part of codependency.
   • For example, if your mom asks for advice on fashionable shoes, this is a normal and healthy interaction. If your mom comes to your house to replace all your shoes because she thinks the old ones have bad insoles, this is codependent behavior.
6. 6 Set personal boundaries. You may want (or may not want to) discuss these with a family member. However, take some time to establish boundaries that are comfortable for you. Think about your personal health and ask yourself what you need to maintain physical and mental health on a daily basis. Set boundaries based on this.
   • For example, if it's important for you to have time every night to relax and disconnect from the world, set the following boundary: you won't answer calls, texts, or social media messages after a certain amount of time.
   • If you choose to inform a family member of your boundaries, state it as fact. You don't need to justify your decision. You can simply say, "I decided that I no longer want to sit on the phone or at the computer after 7 pm." Then stick to your new policy, even if the person argues or disagrees.

Method 2 of 3: Get Out of Codependent Situations

1. 1 Find the right way to say no. Familiarity and pulling strings are part of a codependent relationship. This is why it is helpful in some situations to say no and distance yourself from codependent family members (at least temporarily). The correct way to refuse will depend on the situation, but it will give you the opportunity to leave when the going gets tough.
   • In some cases, when codependent behavior is not growing rapidly or threatening your sense of self, a calm response can be used. For example: “Sorry, it’s uncomfortable for me to do this,” or: “Yes, I see that you have a different point of view. Let's not talk about this. "
   • In situations where it is important to quickly get out of the situation, a simple one will work: "No", - or: "I cannot do this." You don't have to explain anything to anyone. The person may react emotionally, but you don't have to participate in their drama.
2. 2 Practice nonviolent communication. Forced communication is a form of communication that causes harm, often through forced or manipulative language. One can begin to detach from codependent dynamics by practicing nonviolent communication. This will take away the power of violent communication and help you move away from the regulators of codependency.
   • Nonviolent communication is about explaining how you feel without blame or criticism, and expressing your needs with empathy.
   • For example, instead of saying, “You’re always trying to control me! Stop it! ”- you can say:“ When I hear you tell me this, I get the feeling that I have no independence. I appreciate the ability to make these decisions on my own. Will you let me do this? " Using first-person statements can help you get your point across without placing blame on the family member or forcing them to defend themselves.
3. 3 Step back for a longer period. If a family member's codependency dominates and dominates your life, you may not want to selectively detach. Chances are, you will decide that it will be more beneficial to withdraw completely for a longer period. This can be from one day to several years, depending on the person's behavior and your needs.
   • In these situations, you can choose how far away you want to be. For example, you may decide that you don’t want to be alone with a relative, or that you don’t want to be around them from time to time.
   • Always get out of a situation if you feel it is potentially dangerous.

Method 3 of 3: Maintain a Healthy Relationship

1. 1 Prepare for change to happen slowly. Changes in codependent behavior are slow, but trust that your attitude can stimulate the process. That being said, remember that change often involves dealing with intense emotions and overcoming major personal fears. It is not easy and it takes time.
   • Initially codependent people may react with anger or outbursts of aggression. Try your best not to react to this. These are fear-driven reactions that should not be indulged or allowed to influence you.
   • If there are moments that upset you, try not to get angry. Better to take a deep breath and think about what you are going to say before you open your mouth. If necessary, you can even leave for a moment until you can calm down enough to return to the situation.
2. 2 Focus on personal health and wellbeing. If you are dealing with a codependent family member, it is sometimes very easy to go astray on the path to your own well-being. Try not to let your family's actions distract you from your daily responsibilities, such as work and school. Aside from your daily chores, pick a few things that you will do just for yourself every day and do them.
   • For example, you might get into the habit of running in the evenings and then taking a hot bath. Look for things that both prioritize your personal health and help you relax and remove yourself from the stress of a codependent family member.
   • These actions will become a form of self-care that is critical to overcoming and getting rid of codependency.
3. 3 Treat other family members as if they are emotionally mature. Just because one family member is codependent does not mean that everyone in the family is the same. Try not to let the behavior of your codependent relative dictate how you interact with others. Treat others like they are emotionally mature, unless they give you a reason to think differently.
   • For example, you may simply ask the person directly for what you want instead of going through a process of detachment in an effort to avoid being manipulated.