How to improve your marriage

Video: How To Improve Your Marriage Relationship

Content

Steps
Method 1 of 5: How to Build a Solid Foundation
Method 2 of 5: How to behave in your daily life
Method 3 of 5: How to Communicate Properly
Method 4 of 5: Working Together
Method 5 of 5: How to Solve Problems
Tips
Warnings

The strongest marriages between people are alliances in which both partners strive to develop and maintain healthy relationships. It is unfair for you and your partner to turn a blind eye to your own concerns. A situation like this could be the beginning of the end. If a marriage is not going the way you would like it to be, then we have good news: there are a number of ways to improve your relationship.The issue of a strong and healthy marriage has been studied comprehensively and repeatedly. It takes time and effort to fix the situation, but your patience, kindness, and perseverance will help you get through any adversity.

Steps

Method 1 of 5: How to Build a Solid Foundation

1 Build positive experiences together. On average, in happy couples, there are twenty positive feelings for every negative fact. Of course, during quarrels (which happens in every marriage) the proportion can decrease, but in general, the good should outweigh the bad.
- Positive experiences don't have to be a big vacation or a big romantic gesture. Communicate with your partner at various levels from serious questions to simple words “I love you” so that he feels your attention and care.Absence such “little things that come together” can lead to problems.
- Take time to be aware of the enjoyable moments together. People have a bad habit of ignoring positive experiences and remembering only negative experiences. Seek active gratitude for the time you spent together so that you can remember the positives.
- Leave small reminders of your love. Attach a note to your husband's wallet or send him a passionate message. Cook your wife lunch for work, or surprise her by doing chores she hates. Little things like this may seem insignificant or too trivial, but they are vital to maintaining intimacy between you.
2 Get to know your partner every day. Everyone wants to be understood, but after many years of marriage, it is easy to assume that you already know the person inside and out. You may think that there are no secrets left for you. This is usually a misconception. Try to actively share your thoughts, experiences, favorite memories, dreams, and goals with your partner and encourage openness in return.
- Ask open-ended questions. Psychologist Arthur Aron's famous 36-question list will definitely help you better understand your partner's views, dreams, aspirations and fears. Questions like, "How would you like to have a perfect day?" -or: "What's your favorite memory?" - are designed to bring partners closer together at the “interpersonal” level. You can also use “conversation starters” from John Gottman of the Institute for Relationship Research.
- Listen. It is not enough just to hear. Listen carefully. Be attentive when your partner speaks to remember important information. For example, if your wife told you about a quarrel with your sister, then you will not be surprised when she does not want to invite her to the holidays. It will be easier for you to offer your partner the support you need if you listen to their words.
3 Improve your sex life. It is quite natural when, over time, the dizzying sensations associated with sex begin to decrease - the body is simply not able to constantly maintain a rampage of hormones. However, if partners explore their sexual desires and needs together, it will be easier for them to strengthen their marriage and bond on an intimate level.
- Try to talk openly and openly about sex with your partner, even if the topic seems intimidating or uncomfortable to you. It is important for your partner to understand that you are really interested in learning about his fantasies and preferences.
- Research has shown that partners experience higher levels of sex satisfaction when they strive to fulfill each other's sexual needs, even if they don't match their personal needs. “Sexual community” is a hallmark of couples who have healthy and active sex lives.
- Explore new things together. Discuss your own fantasies. Try new poses and toys. Watch pornographic films or read erotic stories. Think of sex as a shared experience and experience that is designed to give pleasure to both partners.

Method 2 of 5: How to behave in your daily life

1 Make time for your partner. If you or your partner is constantly busy with something, it will be difficult for you to feel important to each other. If you don't make time for activities like watching movies or being intimate, partners can become distant and frustrated.
- In the case of employment, sexual intercourse is often the first victim. If you notice that your sex life has become poorer, then try scheduling time for sex. This might sound like a surefire way to destroy romance, but research shows the opposite. About 80% of married couples plan time for sex, and this becomes something important to them.
2 Create joint rituals. Rituals can be a shared experience for spouses. These shared experiences are very important as they reinforce a sense of closeness and connection with a specific person. The rituals don't have to be complicated. All that matters is reliability and your ability to get closer. Make an effort to treat them as sacred events. Skipping rituals is allowed only in case of unforeseen circumstances. Remember that marriage is like an investment: what you sow is what you reap.
- Start hugging your spouse in the evenings and taking an interest in the events of the day. Express your love and appreciation with words like, “I’m really pleased when you pick me up after work,” or, “It's so sweet that you ordered dinner.”
- Think about your rituals early in the relationship. You’ve probably discussed meeting times and planning joint activities, preparing for dates, and spending time so that meetings do not become a routine. Try to bring back some of these rituals.
- Start the dating night tradition. You don't have to invent something incredible. You can just spend time together and not be distracted by other things.
3 Find a shared hobby. An activity that brings joy to both partners is a great way to relax and spend time together. Consider activities that can be of added benefit (sports or exercise) or excitement and return to youthful times (games).
4 Have a first date month. Try falling in love again about once a year. See how you have changed recently and what you are striving for in life. Then, for a few weeks, act like you've just started dating your partner. You will be surprised how beneficial this is for a marriage.
- Choose any month of the year that you like!
5 Play games. Board games are back in vogue. It's a great way to bond and have fun together. In addition to the classic games ("Scrabble" and "Monopoly"), there are many great new products. So, pay attention to the games "Train ticket", "Colonizers" or "In a certain kingdom."
- It is not necessary to play only together. Gather your friends for a weekly game night!
6 Arrange meetings with friends. Make friends and get together for an evening of games, dinner, watching movies, or other fun activities. It will help you have fun together and get in touch with social life! Also, partners can only meet with their friends separately from each other.
7 Read books together. Try reading books together, or even literally one book for two. This will create new topics for conversations and open discussions. Read books about modern events, parenting methods, history, and just your favorite pieces of art from each other!
- If you prefer television or movies, watch your favorite pictures. Go to cinemas and talk about new TV shows. Common hobbies and topics for conversation are very important.
8 Take up art. Take the two of you to dance classes, or learn to paint or play an instrument to bond and give vent to your creative ideas.A new skill is a reason to be proud of yourself and your partner.
9 Travel. Try to travel together. You don't have to leave the country - you will be surprised by the adventures that await you literally around the corner. Sometimes it's enough just to leave the house. Move towards new sensations and events.
10 Cook for each other. Try to take turns cooking dinner for each other. If you don't cook well, you can go to cooking classes together or find help online. It's a great way to bond and fit into a busy schedule (all people eat, don't they?).

Method 3 of 5: How to Communicate Properly

1 Resolve conflicts. Conflict is a normal situation in any relationship. Sometimes fights even bring people closer together, as they encourage partners to work together on relationships and seek solutions to problems. It's all about how you settle conflicts. Develop habits that will help you deal with problem situations sensibly.
- Don't talk when you are angry. Contrary to popular advice “never go to bed in an argument,” trying to talk about a situation when one or both partners are upset can only exacerbate problems. The reason is that in moments of disorder in the body, the "fight or flight" reflex is triggered and adrenaline is released. This situation impairs your ability to think and speak calmly and intelligently. Listen to your body. If you notice a rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, or your partner is perceived as a “red rag,” then you should take a break.
- Take a break and respect your partner's needs. Any of you have the right to offer a break in case of anger. It's important to be polite about this. Instead of phrases like, “I can't talk to you when you’re acting like this,” it’s better to communicate your feelings and acknowledge the importance of an issue that needs to be discussed later. For example: “Right now I am very upset and need to collect my thoughts. I agree that this is an important question. Let’s continue the conversation in an hour, when I’m cool down a bit. ” This will help your partner understand that you are not trying to get away from the conversation. Likewise, respect your partner's request to take a break. You don't need to follow him and try to continue the conversation.
2 Share your needs. It is important not to gloss over your concerns or needs, as they will come to the surface anyway. Be open and polite about what bothers you or needs you. Don't expect your partner to just “know” what you need. Your partner can't read minds, and neither can you!
- Don't be sarcastic or accusatory about your needs. Just express the problem with a first-person phrase. For example: “Lately I have been so lonely because we are rarely together. At such moments it starts to seem to me that I have ceased to be important to you, and it upsets me ”.
- Share your needs and invite your partner to do the same. Such an exchange should not be one-way. Ask for your partner's opinion. "What do you think?" or "What do you think about it?" will be great questions.
- Notice “common concerns”. Perhaps you have a general need that you are not even aware of, or each of you has unmet needs.
- You don't need to “keep score”. You should not remember your partner's actions last year or keep track of your grievances. This is how you turn your partner into an opponent. Don't forget that you are on the same team!
- Weekly “discussion of conflicts” can be of great benefit. Begin to freely express your concerns, which will be greeted with kindness and respect. Learn to solve problems together through discussion.
- Choose a convenient time and place. There may not always be an ideal time or place for a serious conversation, but try not to be distracted during the conversation. Don't start a discussion if one of you is tired or busy with something else. Pick a moment when both partners can listen to each other with concentration.
3 Approach each problem separately. If the partner voiced a problematic topic, then you do not need to parry: "Well, maybe I ____, but you ______ yesterday ...". If you are unhappy with something, then it is better to say about it another time. Problems should not be voiced during disputes if they are not interrelated.
- If you want to express concern, then you should not pour out a whole sea of complaints on your partner. Focus on one thing. This will make it easier for both of you to deal with the problem.
SPECIALIST'S ADVICE
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Family Therapist Allen Wagner is a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individual clients and couples, helping them improve relationships. Together with his wife, Talia Wagner, he wrote the book "Married Roommates".
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Family psychotherapist
Difficulties happen in every relationship, and marriage is not just a honeymoon... Marriage and family counselor Allen Wagner: "There are many normal stressful situations in marriage that are similar to problems in business. Almost a to-do list:" Do not forget about our plans for Thursday, do not forget to pick up the gift on Saturday, you need do the following ... "If you expect your family life to be as easy as it is in the movies or in the photos of your friends on Facebook, then you are wrong. You will have to work hard together."
4 Don't blame. Accusations force a partner to defend himself, so he simply will not hear your arguments, even the most reasonable ones. If you need to share your concerns, it's best not to “blame” your partner.
- For example, instead of the phrase: "Why did you stop hugging me?" - better to say: “I love it when we hug. I would like this to happen more often. What do you think about it?". In the first case, the accusation sounds like a personal attack. In the second case, you communicate that you would like to perform pleasant actions even more often.
5 Resolve conflicts immediately. Always keep an eye on the development of your dialogue, especially when discussing sensitive or unpleasant issues. If you notice that both of you or one of your partners are "overwhelmed" with emotions, then it is better to stop. This mindfulness can help you avoid unproductive, hurtful situations or silence in response.
- Choose actionable solutions. All pairs are different and the solutions will also be different.
- Humor is a common way to avoid anger. At the same time, it is better to do without sarcasm so as not to aggravate the situation.
- Confirmation is the willingness to admit that there is some truth in the partner's words. At the same time, it is not necessary to fully accept or agree with the words of the spouse in order to show him that you have “grasped” the essence of the claim. For example, you might say, “I can understand that it hurt you when I didn't kiss you before bed.” Remember, you don’t have to admit that your partner is “right” or agree that you have deliberately hurt him. You only confirm that your words or actions could cause such a reaction. Such a simple gesture will show you care, even in times of conflict.
- Suggest “try again”. If your spouse said something offensive, then ask him to express his thought differently. No need to get angry, just tell me how you feel: “It really hurt me. Could you formulate your thought with the help of other words? ”.
- Take responsibility. For problems and disagreements, only one side is rarely to blame. Take responsibility for at least a small part of the problem, and your partner will immediately know that you want to find a solution and understand his view of the situation.
6 Accept that some things cannot be changed. If the same conflict situation constantly arises between you, the problem may lie in your personalities, which cannot be changed.For example, if you are an extrovert and enjoy spending time with friends, and your partner is a complete introvert, then every weekend there may be arguments between you about how to spend your time. Just accept each other's character and realize that only understanding and flexibility will help you avoid quarreling.
- Don't get personal. One of the reasons for conflicts between partners lies in the fact that we get personal when it comes to things in common. For example, if your partner is indifferent to travel and does not show enthusiasm for travel, then it is easy to calculate: "If he really loved me, he would have more fun with me on the trip." This approach is unfair for both partners: so you will be offended by behavior that no one wanted to offend you, and you will begin to blame yourself for what cannot be called your fault.
7 Ask questions. Do not assume that you “know” what your partner is thinking or feeling. Sometimes we like to “read other people's thoughts”, namely to interpret the situation from our point of view. This is extremely dangerous for the relationship.
- Instead of trying to prove yourself “right” or “defend” a point of view, show curiosity about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Realize that almost all situations are subjective and can have very different interpretations. You are both “right” and “wrong”. Listen to each other so you don't get stumped.
- Questions can also help you actively listen to your partner. When he shares his feelings or thoughts with you, try to reflect on what you hear. Ask for an explanation. For example: “If I understand correctly, you are angry that I forgot about our date yesterday. Is that what you are trying to tell me? ”.
8 Find compromises. Too often people perceive compromises as “she won and I lost”. In fact, compromise is essential to a lasting, happy marriage. He becomes a search for common ground between you, which is necessary to solve problems. Coming to a compromise does not mean giving up your values, otherwise any situation will end in regret and resentment. This means finding a condition that both partners agree with.
- John Gottman recommends that spouses draw two circles, one inside the other. In the smaller circle inside, write down the things that you are not willing to give up. These are your main principles, without which you cannot live. In a large circle, list the things that you are willing to come to terms with for the greater good.
- Show your circles to each other. Find the items that match. It is at these points that you can find a compromise.
- Let your partner know about the points that may and may not be the subject of discussion. These conversations can expand the range of points you are willing to discuss, or give your partner a sense of why they are so important to you.
9 Consider an example. Try to consider the proposed communication methods with a specific example. You want to devote your free time to the development of a non-profit project, and it is very important to you. The partner wants to go on vacation. This difference in desires can cause conflict, but the right approach will help you understand each other and find a joint solution.
- First, tell your partner that you want to talk and convey your points of view to each other. It is important to dispense with blame. Instead, it is better to say, “It seems like we disagree. Let's discuss why this is so important for each of us. ”
- Invite your partner to ask questions to better understand your views. For example, a partner may ask open-ended questions about why you want to do this project, what you want to achieve with it, what it means to you, what concerns you have. If he actively listens and retells what he heard in his own words, you can make sure that the partner understood everything correctly. He can also summarize the values that this project has for you, and you share with him your thoughts on this matter.
- Next, you should inquire about the views of your partner.Consider the reasons he is so keen to travel. Ask questions and actively listen to his answers, just as he listened to you before.
- Listen to each other's arguments, understand them, and try to find a way to meet the needs of both partners. It could be a compromise, or one of you’s willingness to temporarily postpone your plans for the sake of the other. The most important thing is to discuss a plan of action together and make it clear to your partner that he can always count on your support.

Method 4 of 5: Working Together

1 Establish shared rules. Basic rules will help you nip many problems in the bud. Discuss how you would like to deal with the issues (for example, which parent to go to for the holidays and how to assign responsibilities for cleaning the house). Discuss these hypothetical scenarios in advance (maybe even write them down) so that you know your partner's reactions to such decisions and do not accidentally offend each other.
- Household chores are often a stumbling block. Increasingly, both partners are employed in families, but according to social norms, it is still generally accepted that women should clean, cook and look after the children. Studies show that women do 67% of household chores and cook 91% of meals. Strive for the golden mean and divide such tasks equally.
- Research has shown that couples feel much happier when they have a distribution system. This may be due to the fact that in such situations, they feel like part of the same team.
- Think of this as a collaboration, not a boss-subordinate relationship. Distribute responsibilities according to abilities, skills and your free time. You can also agree to take turns performing tasks that are not to the liking of both partners. This will help you avoid feelings of injustice.
2 Speak with a united front. This is especially important if you have children. Discuss and decide how to act in different situations so that your actions are not discordant with each other. Pulling openly on the blanket can be embarrassing and stressful for a spouse.
- Your views on parenting may not always coincide, and this is to be expected. It is more important to coordinate your approaches so as not to confuse the child with instructions that contradict each other or show that you are unable to agree.
3 Take time to be alone. It is important for both partners to remember that you are still two different people who can only meet some of your needs alone. It is important that you have time for yourself. Make sure both partners have this option.
- In families with children, this means that one of you will have to look after the children so that the other can relax and be alone.
4 Solve financial issues together. Financial problems are one of the most common reasons for divorce. Try to establish ground rules together. It is important to create a situation in which money is not an important cause for concern, so that you are less likely to face such problems.
- Quarrels over money do not depend on income level. Your earnings or debts cannot predict the success of your marriage. The problem often becomes the approach to the issue of money and your discussions of such a topic.

Method 5 of 5: How to Solve Problems

1 Seek help from a family counselor. Sometimes our problems are too big to be solved on our own. Fortunately, there are experienced professionals who can teach you how to resolve conflicts and disagreements, communicate productively without fights, or show your love and care. If you have any of the following problems, you should seek help from a family psychologist.
- Critical remarks - these are personal attacks on a person's character like: “You always do it wrong”, - or: “You always forget about it”. The professional will teach you to politely express your needs.
- Defensive behavior is a tactic that includes resentment (“They can't believe you said so!”), retaliatory strikes (“Well, you’re in… as bad as I’m in…”) and tears (“I’m not to blame for this! ”). The antidote will be confirmation like: "I understand why you think so" - or: "I agree, I could have done better."
- Contempt is abuse that has no place in a happy relationship. You don't need to roll your eyes, taunt, say insults or condescending phrases, as this kills the relationship. Better to express your love and admiration.
- Obstruction occurs when the listener stops listening because an excess of adrenaline builds up in him and he cannot concentrate. A specialist will tell you how to behave correctly in conflict situations in order to listen and learn from each other.
- Several professionals can provide professional help to spouses, including a family psychologist, social workers, and psychotherapists. Make sure the technician has received specific training and experience in the field.
- Holidays and weekend co-op courses can be expensive, but they can help kickstart new habits. At the same time, do not rely on vacation to solve all your problems. You should always keep working on relationships and learning.
2 Understand the aftermath of traumatic events. Researchers are beginning to understand how much past trauma can affect marriage. If one or both partners have an injury that has not yet been healed, it can cause anger, anxiety, or communication problems. In this case, seek help from a specialist.
- PTSD can be particularly challenging for couples, especially in military or law enforcement families. But experience shows that working with a family counselor helps couples to resolve such problems.
3 Get rid of addiction. Alcoholism, gambling addiction and addiction to drugs do not bode well for marriage. These are progressive diseases that get worse over time. In such a situation, seek help from a doctor, psychotherapist, or even a psychiatrist.
- If your partner's addictive behavior is a danger to the family, then you have every right to think about yourself. Take steps to protect your health and safety, and don't let your partner hold you guilty for trying to protect yourself.
- If your loved ones suffer from addiction, you can use one of the programs available to you. Some organizations will help even if the person refuses to help. You can also find other options in your city.
4 Become aware of the abuse. In some cases, it doesn't matter how well you follow the tips and tactics in this article. If your partner is mistreating you, then it is not your fault. You don’t “force” your partner to mistreat you, and you don’t “fix” anything by staying with him. Get help. Violence can be emotional, psychological, and physical.
- Contact the hotline or someone you trust. In such a situation, you need to take care of your own safety. Abusive spouses closely monitor the actions of their partner, so it is better to look for information in an Internet cafe, in the library, or use a friend's phone.
- If necessary, contact the All-Russian Helpline for Women Victims of Domestic Violence: 8-800-7000-600. More information can be found on dedicated sites.
- It should be understood that domestic violence is not limited to heterosexual couples.

Tips

Never expect your partner to be willing to do more for you than "you" are ready for yourself.
Let your partner be the person he wants to be.
Enjoy each other's company. Do business together and apart for a fulfilling life.