Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Making Smart Decisions at the Beginning of a Conflict
• Part 2 of 3: Dealing with the conflict right at the moment of the dispute
• Part 3 of 3: Successfully Ending the Conflict

Have you ever had a situation where you found yourself in a conflict, or were angry with someone, and did not know how to solve this situation? Managing conflict in a healthy and creative way is a critical skill that most adults don't know how to master. Whether it's handling potentially damaging spousal fights or tackling tough problems at work or school, a few key pointers can be a great tool for you in resolving conflicts of all kinds.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Making Smart Decisions at the Beginning of a Conflict

1. 1 Get ready for strong feelings. Conflict brings our emotional nature to the surface even when it is not emotional in itself. Although it can be difficult to cool down directly at the time of the heat of passion, it is useful to say something to yourself, like "So, okay, arguing with Kostya usually pisses me off, so now I'll try to stay calm.I will not let my emotions guide me and dictate how our conversation will develop. I will count to three before responding to any statement, especially if it strikes me as an accusatory one.“By preparing yourself for strong experiences, you will give yourself the opportunity to get around some of them, noticing their approach much in advance.
2. 2 Don't let conflict gradually poison your relationship. Some (minor) conflicts fizzle out and fizzle out if ignored long enough; major conflicts, ironically, are only exacerbated if they are categorically ignored. This is because we perceive them as a threat to our overall well-being, and the perceived tension from this threat steadily increases when two or more people clash in opposition - just like in an old-fashioned duel.
   • Many other unpleasant things also happen when you allow the conflict to slowly decay. You begin to re-analyze the situation, looking for cruel intentions where they were not at the beginning. Friends or well-wishing partners inadvertently give you the wrong advice. The list goes on.
   • It is better to approach the problem directly from the beginning. If the other person (or several) seems sincere and sincere to you, accept it. If the other person seems unfriendly to you, increase the distance between you. It's like inviting a nice guy / girl to your prom, or completing an important task on time - the longer you put it off, the harder it is for you to do it.
3. 3 Don't conflict with expectations of something bad. People who are afraid of conflict are usually filled with previous negative experiences that make them constantly wait for something bad - unhealthy relationships and childhood filled with violence leave such fear of conflict in people that they perceive any potential confrontation as threatening the relationship, and therefore shyly avoid him, ignoring his own needs. While this learned behavior is most often rational, it is not healthy and does not fit the description of all conflicts. In fact, many conflicts are resolved in a respectful manner on a pleasant note.
   • A simple rule of thumb is to give the person you are in conflict with the benefit of the doubt. Expect him to behave in a respectful and adult manner in a confrontation. If he proves to you otherwise, only then you can reconsider your position. But there is no need to rush into battle ahead of time.
4. 4 Try to manage your stress (tension) during the conflict itself. Conflicts can cause a lot of tension - we worry about how the result will all of this affect our relationship with the person (whether it will crack, and what we will lose as a result). It definitely comes with stress. However, while stress is very helpful in situations where you run away to save your life or get out of a sinking car, it is not very productive in an argument. He pushes us into cocky, aggressive behavior, instantly subjugates rational thinking and causes defensive reactions in us - all these are not very good things in a conflict situation.

Part 2 of 3: Dealing with the conflict right at the moment of the dispute

1. 1 Pay attention to your non-verbal cues. Most conflicts occur through language, but this does not mean that you only need to pay attention to words - which, by the way, is very important. Pay attention to how you hold yourself - posture, voice intonation, eye contact. Whether you like it or not, all of these things convey much more than you think about your desire to resolve the conflict:
   • Keep the pose open. Do not slouch, do not sit with crossed arms, or turn the other way. Don't fidget like you're bored. Sit or stand with your shoulders back, your arms at your sides, and facing the person throughout the conversation.
   • Maintain eye contact with the other person.Demonstrate interest in what the other person is saying by listening to him with enthusiasm, with an expression of concern on your face.
   • If you are on friendly terms with this person, do not be afraid to gently and reassuringly touch his hand. Physically touching a person is a sign of sensitivity, which can even activate the opioid region in the brain responsible for maintaining social connections!
2. 2 Resist the urge to generalize. Generalization is dangerous because, unbeknownst to yourself, you begin to attack the whole personality of the person, and not something that the person accidentally did. This is a more serious battle, and people perceive such a threat much more painfully.
   • Instead of saying "You always you interrupt me and never let me finish a sentence"try to be more diplomatic" Please don't interrupt me; I give you the opportunity to speak up and I will be grateful for the same politeness towards me. "
3. 3 Use "I-statements" instead of "You-statements". This allows you to accomplish two things. First, it semantically turns the problem towards you rather than him, inviting him into less defensive behavior. Secondly, it allows for better explain the situationby giving the person the opportunity to understand what thoughts, motives and feelings you are guided by.
   • When constructing I-statements, use the following form: "I feel [emotion] when you [description of his behavior], because [give a reason]. "
   • An example of a good self-statement might look like: “I feel humiliated when you ask me to wash the dishes like this.
4. 4 Listen carefully to what is important to the person and respond to them. Do not confuse a person with his main thought, being distracted by trifles. Listen to what the person is not happy with by focusing on the really important underlying messages and try to respond to them. If the person does not feel that you are ready to perceive the essence of his statements, most likely, he will begin to escalate the conflict or simply stop listening to you and reject all attempts to resolve the dispute.
5. 5 Control how you react to the other person's words. Like breeds like - by doing the right thing, you will provide a friendly exchange instead of a fiery volcanic eruption.
   • How not you need to react to a person:
     • Angry, painful, angry, or resentful.
   • How to react to another person:
     • Calmly, thoughtfully, not defensively, respectfully.
6. 6 Do not hold the person hostage, do not manipulate him or try to get away from the essence of the problem in some other way. This is something that should not be done under any circumstances, but many of us behave this way, absolutely not realizing... We can hold a person hostage, depriving him of love, for example, and not showing our feelings until we get what we need from him. We can manipulate a person by trying to shame, for example, and criticize their needs to discuss something that we consider rather irrelevant. We can shut ourselves off from the essence of the problem, refusing to listen to what the person is actually talking about, for example, and cling to little things, instead of perceiving the main idea.
   • All these things convey an absolutely clear idea to a person: we are not interested in making the situation better, we only care about what is needed US, but not both... This is a deadly turnaround for a successful conflict resolution.
7. 7 Never act like you can read minds or jump to conclusions. We hate people who constantly finish sentences for us because they believe they know our feelings better than we do. Even if it seems to you that you understand what the person is talking about and what he means, allow him to finish it himself. For clearing the conflict and for the communication itself, it is important that both parties to the dispute feel that they have everything under control.Don't be the all-knowing Houdini who can't keep his mouth shut long enough to understand and feel what the other person is saying.
8. 8 Don't try to play with guilt. When we feel attacked by another person, we often attack back in self-defense. Because the best defense is offense, right? This goes for couples that we know all too well: “I’m so upset that you didn’t follow through on what you promised. You knew I wanted to clean up the house before my parents arrived."" You know, you have no right to feel upset. I had planned that day months in advance, and what, would you be upset with a drop of dirt? You have these crazy high expectations all the time. "
   • Do you see what's going on here? One of the spouses is upset, and the other spouse is trying to make him feel guilty about it. Well, you probably know how it will end: the essence of the problem is deep (unrestrained word), but due to the fact that the second spouse began to play with a sense of guilt, this circumstance was lost during the conflict.

Part 3 of 3: Successfully Ending the Conflict

1. 1 Articulate compromise ideas early and often. Ditch the thought of getting 100% what you want without sacrificing anything. Most likely, this will not happen. You need to reach a compromise and you want to show your willingness to cooperate because you care what this person feels, not because you are forced to do this... The first impulse comes from the best intentions, the second cannot be said. A few things to keep in mind when trying to negotiate:
   • Fewer promises, more action - overfulfill what you promised to do. This is the manager's motto, but it can be yours too. Do not promise a person mountains of gold simply because you are tired of the conflict, and you want it to end as soon as possible. Promise the person a little less than you can do - be realistic about it - and then surprise and exceed expectations.
   • Don't punish him after your compromise. You don't have to deliberately do your part of the compromise obligation just because you don't believe in such an outcome of the conflict. It will only continue the fight.
2. 2 Use safe humor to make things easier. Once emotions run high and logical arguments become useless due to your inability to think soberly, a little humor can really ease the tension between two people. Try a light self-deprecating joke to show the other person that you are not “big and powerful”. And remember that you need to laugh with human, not over him - this way you will achieve better results.
3. 3 If you get too involved in an argument, back off and let yourself cool off. Many couples, for example, give each other a 20-minute break so that emotions calm down and stress subsides, and only then they begin to solve the problem. This makes communication easier and better results. Sometimes all it takes to separate the wheat from the chaff is to look at yourself:
   • Ask yourself - how important is this question we are arguing about? Overall, is this something that will ruin my relationship with this person, or can I just let it be ignored?
   • Ask yourself - is there something I could do to resolve this situation? Sometimes we get angry about problems that the other person simply has no control over.
4. 4 Forgive and forget. Show a conscious desire to forgive and forget, and assume that the other person is in conflict with a similar position. Many conflicts, although they seem important at the time of their height, are blown away to the extent of simple misunderstandings. Be smart and goodbye, because this is exactly what you would like to get from your opponent.