Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 2: Assessing a Friend's Behavior
• Method 2 of 2: Ask a friend directly
• Tips
• Warnings

When your friends use you, it hurts. When people close to us seek benefits in communication, it makes us feel lost, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. Having received such a blow, we, overwhelmed, begin to lose confidence in those around us. Sometimes friends are direct about their intentions, but sometimes they deliberately use you. There are ways to determine if you are being used and if it’s time to get rid of that friend.

Steps

Method 1 of 2: Assessing a Friend's Behavior

1. 1 Pay attention to whether the person remembers you only when he needs something. If he talks to you or spends time only when he needs help or advice, if it always concerns only his desires, most likely you are being used.
   • Is your "friend" calling you to see how your day went? Or does he only appear when he needs something? For example, he asks to take him to the store, borrow a cigarette or shelter for the night. If so, then you are a lifeline who is needed only in moments of need.
   • Note if this behavior is persistent. After all, helping friends is part of a friendship. Sometimes people have black bars when they need support. If this happens all the time or this is the only reason for your communication, most likely you are being used.
2. 2 Consider if you can trust this friend. A true friend will never give away your secrets, especially if it might harm you. To assess the level of trust in a person, remember whether there were times when he gave out personal information about you, especially for selfish motives. If so, you are probably being used.
   • Think about this person's relationship with other friends. Did he betray their trust or use them? If so, then this is a signal that you, too, can be used.
3. 3 Consider if your friend is ignoring you. How often does this person invite you to social events? A friend who is not looking for benefits in your communication will always be friendly and will invite you everywhere, especially in the company of mutual acquaintances.
   • Remember, friends don't have to invite you to every event they attend. However, if a friend never calls you anywhere, and only appears when he needs help, most likely he is using you.
   • If a friend mentioned an event with a mutual acquaintance that they haven't invited you to, ask if you can go too. Pay attention to the feedback. If there is no logical explanation for why you can't go, or if a friend makes up lame excuses, chances are you're just being used.
   • An example of a justified logical explanation: Your friends are going out of town, but there is no room for you in the car.
4. 4 Watch your friend's actions. Actions speak louder than words. If a person always says that he is owed, but never does anything in return, he is probably using you.
   • Here's an example of how your friend can use you: You took your friend somewhere a couple of times to distract from sad thoughts. He promises a return service, but never fulfills and continues to complain about his problems. If this continues indefinitely, then you are being used.
   • Ask yourself: Does your friend feel grateful? Does he gratefully accept your help? If so, he probably isn't using you, but really needs some friendly help. If the person does not seem to care about your support, it could be a sign that you are being used.
5. 5 Pay attention to guilt games. If your friend often manipulates you, trying to make you feel guilty and force you to do what you do not want, then most likely he is using you.
   • Ask yourself: Would you help this person if they weren't trying to make you feel guilty about the situation. If the answer is yes, you may not be used, but really need your help.
6. 6 Consider if your friend has a control bias. If your friend tries to command you and tells you what to do, especially for the sake of himself and his friends, he is most likely using you.
   • To understand if someone is trying to control you, think about this: People who are in control are usually temperamental and use it to get what they want. They can play on other people's emotions, such as guilt or sadness, to get you into the game.Watch for signs of emotional manipulation, as this is a direct signal that you are being controlled.
   • Your friend may try to isolate you from those around you so that you have less social support. This will make it easier for this person to get what they want from you. He may try to criticize other friends or family members so you can spend less time with them.
7. 7 Trust your instincts. If it seems to you that your friend is insincere, and you experience this feeling all the time, then most likely you are right. To be sure, ask the person directly if they really feel what they are saying.
   • Rate your friend's personality. Be completely honest with yourself and ask yourself if your friend at heart is really a good person who cares about you, or if he is driven by selfish goals.
   • Character traits also include the level of honesty, sincerity, honor and trust. Think back to everything you know about this person and their relationship with you and those around you. Consider if the above traits match your friend's personality and how they feel about them.
   • For example, if your friend says one thing to people in person and then does another, chances are he is doing the same to you and using you.

Method 2 of 2: Ask a friend directly

1. 1 Prepare yourself. Your friend means something to you, so make sure you are being used before you cut any ties. You can do this by talking with a friend calmly and rationally.
   • Remember, if deep down this person is a good friend, he did not use you, but was only slightly absent-minded in relation to you and, most likely, wants to change this. If he uses you, then after the conversation he will cease to be friends with you. Well, this is probably even for the best.
2. 2 Find a quiet place. When having a serious conversation with a friend, choose a quiet place so as not to disturb the person. Make sure both of you are free to express your thoughts without going overboard. Avoid crowded restaurants where tables are close together.
   • Try starting this conversation by walking in a pleasant park.
3. 3 Talk to a friend privately. Don't bring other people you know who might interfere, even if they have the same complaints. A crowd of people can be too assertive, and this will only scare the person and upset them even more.
   • If the person criticizes you for something, you may want to take the advice and change. If more than one person criticizes you at the same time, you are more likely to feel intimidated and offended. After all, if all these people sit and say bad things about you, you will clearly feel overwhelmed.
4. 4 Speak calmly but convincingly. Explain why you suspect your friend is using you and see what they say. Use specific examples so that the person cannot call you a liar or reproach you for being false.
   • However, do not be too meticulous in the examples, otherwise the person may use it against you and call you petty.
   • Make sure you're talking about your friend's actions, not their character. Providing specific examples will make the person less upset than calling him a manipulator and a freeloader. So the conversation will quickly exhaust itself.
   • For example, you might say something like this: “I drove you when your car was repaired last month. But when my car broke down this week and I asked you to give me a lift to work , you ignored me. And I realized that you often do this when I ask you for help. "
5. 5 Expect an apology. If your friend has apologized and wants to change their behavior, you will actually notice these changes. Most likely, the person did not use you, but was only a little inattentive to you, and you perceived this as selfishness. Sometimes people are so preoccupied with the problems of their lives that they do not notice that their actions are becoming selfish.
6. 6 Be prepared to end the relationship if you feel used and nothing can be done to continue the friendship. Explain why you cannot be friends and stop communicating. Don't let yourself be convinced that he will change, especially if you have already given this person a chance, and more than one. He will continue to use you if you allow him to come back into your life.

Tips

• Make eye contact with your friend as you talk.
• Don't joke while talking. Your friend needs to understand that you are serious.
• Pay attention to classic signals of manipulation, such as playing on feelings of guilt or blame.
• Before blaming a person, make sure that the problem really exists and that you are not blowing the elephant out of the blue.
• Think if you are not a "vest" for consolation, and are needed only when a person wants to talk about their problems. You can understand this if you always listen to your friend and give a lot of advice, and when you yourself want to speak out, he changes the topic or does not express interest. He may even directly state that he does not care and does not care about your feelings. This is a sign of a lack of understanding that can turn into emotional abuse in the long run.
• Some friends selectively listen to problems. They will not ignore your problems, they will simply ignore what they are not interested in. The topic of the conversation should be about them or captivate them, and then they will deign to answer. Sometimes they don't listen or they interrupt.
• Check calls from this person. He will not ring when you leave for another city. At least not very often. This means that you were considered a source of entertainment, and now there is no need to cope with how you are doing.
• If you tried to discuss everything, and the person completely turned the situation against you, this is a signal of betrayal. If you are forced to make excuses, and a friend only accuses you and pretends to be the victim, be careful with that person.
• If in doubt, seek outside opinion! You can ask a close friend, family member, or friend of that person. This will help you understand if you are exaggerating, or, conversely, underestimating the situation.

Warnings

• If you're not sure if a friend is using you, wait a bit, ask other people for opinions, and don't start a conversation right now because you might be wrong. False accusations can ruin friendships.
• If the person disagrees with your accusations because they think they are better than you think, don't let them see your upset. He will "feed" on it, pretend that he does not care, or laugh at you.
• Pay attention if most of the "jokes" directed at you are not disguised mockery. Some fake friends can not only take advantage of you, but also suppress your self-esteem in order to feel superior. If someone is joking about you rudely and offensively, you should talk about it.
• Check to see if you are being disrespected. If a person always speaks badly about people dear to you, uses you, manipulates, behaves too childishly or does not change after his apology, it is time to get rid of him.
• Don't bring another friend with you, or the accusations may be too harsh. Make sure the conversation is face to face and that you are comfortable.
• Pay attention to the so-called friend who "forgets" what you talked about or did in the past, which served as the main bond of your relationship. Selective memory serves his purposes, but definitely not yours. Don't let that person manipulate you.