Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 4: Prevent a conflict from escalating
• Part 2 of 4: Setting boundaries
• Part 3 of 4: Asking your husband for help
• Part 4 of 4: Letting the mother-in-law bind with compassion
• Tips
• Warnings

If your mother-in-law hurts you repeatedly, physically or emotionally, it can be truly hurtful and / or cause permanent damage to your marriage. Below are some of the ways you can protect yourself, your family and your future.

To step

Part 1 of 4: Prevent a conflict from escalating

1. Distance yourself from her emotionally. Think of her as an acquaintance, not your "second mother," unless the relationship feels warm, comfortable, and familiar. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She's not your parent; you are on an equal footing. Call her by her first name, unless you live in a country (or your husband is from a country) where it is considered rude to address your mother-in-law by her first name. In that case, it is best to follow the customs of that country, so that you address it in a respectful way. Talk to your husband about a suitable name to address her with and what makes you feel comfortable.
2. Understand the underlying problem. There are often many reasons why a mother-in-law takes a negative approach to her son's new lover. She may feel that she has become less important to her child (or she still sees her son as a child, rather than someone else's husband). She may find it difficult to take second place in her child's life. Or maybe she's just completely different from you. It's easier to deal with her behavior if you know where it comes from or you might take it too personally.
3. Keep a physical distance. You don't have to emigrate right away, but you don't have to keep showing up at every opportunity. Your husband may well go to some family affairs without you. But make sure this doesn't happen too often. Don't try to drive a wedge between your husband and his family. It could also be a kind of victory for his mother - she could be alone with her child and put you out of the game. While that may seem like the easiest solution, it will lead to problems later in your marriage.
4. Remember, she probably won't change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back by speaking ill of you to other your relationship with your husband. Once she has done this, make sure you keep your distance from her, even if she is being nice. Choose other women for guidance, counsel, kindness, and role models. Face that it is not a positive influence in your life.
5. Recognize and avoid things that put you off balance. Before coming into contact with your mother-in-law, think carefully about the situations in which you react strongly. Which things make you furious, which buttons can people push on you? Once you identify the triggers that might be upsetting you (they're roughly the same, just the situation is different every time), think about ways you can avoid them.
6. Try to keep the emotions cool. If you find that conflict is inevitable, go for it and answer honestly. Don't be rude, just be clear and don't over-dress the things you say. Remember that you have done your best to avoid conflict, but your mother-in-law has shown that she does not respect your feelings on any subject. Don't allow yourself to be downplayed in the things you say to her because you are afraid of hurting your mother-in-law - after all, she won't be held back from being straight with you and showing that she doesn't care if she's you. hurts.
7. Don't let guilt talk you into. If your mother-in-law tries to manipulate you by making you feel guilty, there is a simple way to deal with it effectively. Anytime you find her trying to manipulate your emotions by making you feel guilty, you can pinpoint the whole thing by asking, "You're not making me feel guilty right now, are you?" She will probably deny that, but she will try again soon. Keep breaking this pattern of trying to make you feel guilty by reminding her over and over that she's trying to manipulate you emotionally. You are not engaged in being rude, but you are in the process of defending yourself against the weapon they are using against you, which is to start feeling guilty.
   • If you refuse to feel guilty, you can see from a more neutral position and with more compassion that she is probably trying to release the guilt because she feels powerless. If you can connect with that helplessness that lives inside her, then you have the chance to improve the relationship forever. For example, say something flattering in front of the family, such as, "We never make an appointment on a Friday night, because then we like to eat with you." We think the time we spend with you is very important. "This makes her feel important, in front of the rest of the family, and it also makes her feel needed and wanted.
8. Think of your husband and your child (ren) if you have one. Of course, you are not going to say or do anything that will harm your relationship with them. Maybe you should take the tension out of the air, or just swallow your words; sometimes you just need to go through an unpleasant situation and behave exemplary because the happiness of others depends on it too.

Part 2 of 4: Setting boundaries

1. Determine where your limits are. You determine where your boundaries are in your relationship with your husband and with your mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law is crossing your boundaries and does not realize that you are trying to signal it carefully, and if your husband is not helping you and not helping you, then you have to stand up for yourself so that you can restore the balance. Determine where your limits are; boundaries that should not be crossed and that violate your integrity as people crossing boundaries, and communicate them clearly to your mother-in-law and to your husband.
   • For example, if you value privacy, and the mother-in-law continues to make unannounced visits, she may be exceeding your boundaries. The first thing to do is recognize that it is okay to take your own needs seriously. A relationship in which you always feel that you are being violated is simply not healthy.
   • If your mother-in-law is on the doorstep unannounced right before you and your husband are out for dinner, you can say, "Gee, nice to see you. I only wish you had called to tell you to come. Because Johan and I are just going out for dinner. If we had known you were coming, we would have arranged for dinner at home. "This is to let your mother-in-law know that next time she should call.
2. Set your limits. Because if you don't say anything, she won't stop. And if you haven't talked to your husband about what you would like, then maybe your husband will continue to please his mother at your expense. So talk to your husband about it first. If he can't stop his mother, talk to your mother-in-law yourself.
   • If you have not clearly set your boundaries for years, and ensure that your boundaries are respected like an adult, and have allowed your mother-in-law to treat you like a little child for far too long, then she may not be serious about you at first. take. She may react "shocked" at first, which is usually pretended, if you are only subtly suggesting that you want her to limit her behavior. Just let her respond but stick to your position.
3. Make sure your boundaries are respected. Do this with compassion but in a clear way. After all, you may have accepted her behavior for years, and so it's partly your fault that your mother-in-law hasn't learned how to treat you with respect.But if she doesn't respond to your subtle hints, be clear when you indicate that you want her to respect your boundaries.
   • Let her know that for the next 10 days (start with 10, expand to 30 if you find she doesn't pick up the message after the first time) you will be rigorously monitoring the boundaries you've set. Make it clear that if she exceeds your boundaries even once within those 10 days, then start by not communicating with her at all for 10 days. If you need to tell her that you don't want to be in contact with her for 10 days (because she has crossed your boundaries), make sure your husband is there, and tell your mother-in-law she won't be able to interact with you for 10 days . This does not include unannounced visits, phone calls and emails - just for emergencies. After this 10-day period, you can start over with strict monitoring of your boundaries for 10 days, go through the entire process again, and see how that goes.
   • Let your mother-in-law know that both your husband and you are behind this (ideally, your husband informs his mother about this, not you). Be completely transparent in what you do. Also, let her know that you have to take these steps because she doesn't give you any other choice. Remind her that you made many attempts to let her know you meant it and that your attempts were ignored by her.
4. If you are unable to confront your mother-in-law, consider a different approach. Write down everything she says or does. This will keep the situation from getting bigger in your head if you've been angry with her for a few days. And after writing a few times, you will be able to see more clearly what she does exactly, and then you will be able to become more aware of the times when you were alone and when she insulted you, crossed your boundaries or treated your things disrespectfully. You will be better prepared for the next time it happens, and you will be less overwhelmed by that behavior and feel less like a victim.
   • Use your pen if you don't want to speak. For example, she's going to search your handbag. Just put a note in your bag saying, "This is not your property. Don't look in my bag unless I have asked you to. "Or put a lock on it. Try to find solutions that will stop her from spying or stealing.

Part 3 of 4: Asking your husband for help

1. Tell your husband about your feelings. Let your husband know that the way his mother treats you hurts you. You have the right to share these feelings with your husband. Don't criticize her - remember it's his mother - but don't protect her either. You could say something like, "Honey, your mom may not be doing it on purpose, but she hurt me tonight. In the future, if she says something like that again (give the example that hurt you), I would appreciate it if you stood up for me. "
2. Make sure you get the support of your husband. Does your husband support you? It's very important, and if you want to hang out with your mother-in-law, his support is essential. Sometimes you have to tell him if you're having a hard time with it because he might not want to bother his mom. Be clear and come up with specific solutions that are acceptable to both of you. It's important that you both take responsibility for putting your marriage and each other first and your own family second, which sometimes means protecting your marriage from your own family. If your husband is not standing up for you and protecting you from his mother, then you have a problem that can play a role throughout your marriage.
3. Make it clear to your husband that he must take charge of his family. If your husband doesn't raise the issue with his family, you will never be able to solve the problem. Your husband's mother has already shown that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do can change that. Unless your husband acts against this, sets clear boundaries that his mother should not cross, and is willing to guard the boundaries and actually have clear consequences, then you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never be able to change this relationship. That can cost your marriage and you dearly. If so, let your husband know so he has time to correct the situation before it's too late.

Part 4 of 4: Letting the mother-in-law bind with compassion

1. Have compassion, not harsh or angry. There are many ways in which you can convey things in a friendly manner, rather than calculating or manipulative. Most of the people in the world are good and have good intentions. She's probably a good person, probably suffering from the fact that she doesn't now have the special bond with her son she used to have. Try to see the good in her, aside from the reasons she feels left out or threatened.
2. Try to understand why she is acting that way. To find out, do the following:
   • Watch her. See why she behaves a certain way.
   • Understand the needs she has as a mother.
   • Understand the needs she has as a mother-in-law.
3. Only meet the needs she has that you can actually fulfill. If you can't accommodate some of her needs, state it politely and substantiate it in a logical way.
   • For example, suppose your daughter is of school age, and your mother-in-law thinks school A is best for your daughter. But you think school B is much better. For example, respond with: "I would like my daughter to go to school A." But school B has many more values ​​and norms that you would appreciate, such as being kind to each other, organic food, outdoor activities, etc. This is why I chose school B. important, but you have remained faithful to your own choice.
4. If you are confronted with a meddlesome question, or a question you find uncomfortable, ask a question back, without giving away what you want or think. For example, say, "We haven't decided yet, what do you think?" Listen to her and don't interrupt her, but know you don't have to agree with her; you can always make your own choice. Know that you are the captain on your ship. No one can interfere with you unless you allow it.
5. Set limits on talking to each other in a friendly but effective way. If your mother-in-law stays on the phone for too long, set a timer for 10 minutes. When the timer reaches 2 seconds, turn it off and say, `` I really enjoy talking to you, but I really need to go ironing, clean the toilet, feed the cats, walk the dogs, make pasta for Joris, and put something together for the boys' school project. I'm terribly sorry, but can I make an appointment with you before Friday at 10:00? Does that suit you? ". Then stick to the appointment, but make sure that it runs smoothly and briefly.
6. Think of a few rules that allow your mother-in-law to spend time with her son from time to time. For example, after every two appointments you see each other, you could allow her to date only her son. Then go for a run, do a chore, or, better yet, run her errands. That way you came by anyway, but you also showed that you are not a threat to her. She can always be alone with the apple of her eye if necessary.

Tips

• You are entitled to a peaceful life. While your mother-in-law should be respected, she is no longer entitled to privileges if she behaves in an unacceptable manner. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they have power over their families. But if you don't deserve respect, then you certainly have the right to protect your marriage and yourself, and to set clear boundaries.
• You are married to your other half, not his mother. Of course you need to adapt and sometimes make concessions, but you shouldn't have to completely change yourself because of a dominant, passive-aggressive mother-in-law or a mother-in-law who has no idea what she's doing.
• Remember that she does and says whatever she likes, and you can do whatever you want, as long as you don't stoop to her level.
• If you suspect her of feigning a disease in order to get attention, give her a taste of her own medicine. Then say, "I'm worried because you are often so dizzy all of a sudden. I'm going to call your doctor for an appointment now. "
• You cannot change others, only yourself. It is important that you stand up for your marriage and yourself, because only then can you experience harmony and joy. There are simply not many mothers-in-law who are nice. However, it is not about them; the point is that people who are unlucky with their mother-in-law learn to set boundaries. Downplaying the behavior of a nasty mother-in-law doesn't help anyone.
• Consider having a genuine conversation with your mother-in-law. Think carefully about when you want to do this. Think about the things you want to say in advance. Make sure you have your husband's support and have talked to him about it. If she keeps making you feel terrible, what have you got to lose?
• Your mother-in-law can play an important and positive role in your life, if you manage to have a healthy relationship with each other, and can also be a great support in your marriage. But you have to work to get that done, and communication is very important. Just let her know if you want to spend more time alone or something similar. You do not have to take measures until you have made your wishes known and then you notice that she is ignoring them.
• Sometimes a mother-in-law's negative behavior comes only from triviality, not malice.
• If possible, be kind and sweet to her. You achieve much more with kindness than with anger.
• Mothers-in-law can get very enthusiastic about the idea of ​​having "another son or daughter", and they can sometimes go crazy without meaning anything bad. Be kind and compassionate. Maybe she's just excited about having a new family member, and wants to be involved because she wants to help.
• Remember that you are not responsible for her happiness. Mother encourages her to volunteer, get a pet, join a reading club, or get more involved with her church. Instead of your marriage, try to make sure she has something else she can control!

Warnings

• If nothing works, move to another city. There are many people who feel that this has saved their marriage.
• If your mother-in-law attacks you verbally, your husband needs to help you. Your husband can then simply call her and say, "I heard you said this and that to my wife." I don't like that of you, you hurt my wife with it. Don't do that again. "
• If your husband does not support you, then that is a problem in your relationship with your mother and in your marriage. Then seriously ask yourself whether you should stay married.
• Sometimes a mother-in-law can be very rude and mean to you because they realize that you are surpassing them or being more successful in life. They keep getting stuck distracting you from what you are doing, denouncing you, calling you names and trying to make you unhappy. She does this because she wants to destroy the marriage, because a successful and happy person is too threatening for her. If your husband is unable to act against or correct her, the best thing to do is move and pray if you are a believer, as your mother-in-law will remain keen to destroy you and take care of it that you will have a hard time. She will never change because deep in her heart she knows she will never be able to surpass you.
• Sometimes a mother-in-law waits for the moment until there is no one left in the room (including their own husband, because they want him to be on their side). Don't be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, get up right away and go to the bathroom, go for a walk, or do something else that will help you escape the situation.
  • If you have a child, it is advisable to take your child out of the room at that time. If you don't trust your mother-in-law, then you can't trust her with your child. Do not allow her to say mean and sneaky things to your child that would undermine your relationship with your child.