Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Know what to say
• Part 2 of 3: Learning to listen attentively
• Part 3 of 3: Closing the conversation
• Warnings

Comforting someone who is very sad can sometimes make you feel helpless. Usually you can do little for this person physically. However, letting the person know that you are there for them and offering a listening ear is the most important step you can take.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Know what to say

1. Open the conversation. Let the person know that you see that they are sad and that you are available to hear their story. If you don't know the person very well, you could first state why you want to help them.
   • For example, if you know the person, you could say, “I see something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?"
   • If you don't know the person as well, you could say the following: “Hi, my name is ... I am a fellow student and saw that you are very sad. I know you don't know me, but if you want, I'm willing to listen to your story. ”
2. Don't beat around the bush. You may be tempted to downplay the problem if you already know what the other is having. If the person is dealing with a death or has just ended a relationship with someone, it may be better not to mention the problem, as you don't want to cause the other person more grief. However, the person knows what is causing the grief and is probably already thinking about the situation. Asking about the situation in plain language shows that you care about the other person and are willing to listen without making things prettier than they are. This will likely come as a relief to the other.
   • For example, you could say something like, “I heard your father passed away. That must be very tough for you. Would you like to talk about it? ”
3. Ask how the person is feeling. One way to start the conversation is to ask how the other person is feeling. Regardless of the situation, a person will be dealing with multiple emotions, even in sad situations. It can be very helpful and provide relief when you allow the person to share these emotions with you.
   • For example, if one of the parents has died after a long illness or serious illness, the person will of course be very sad. But perhaps there will also be a sense of relief now that the suffering for the deceased is over and the guilt caused by the feeling of relief.
4. Keep your attention focused on the other person. You may be tempted to compare the person's situation to one you once found yourself in. However, when someone is sad, they probably don't listen to situations you have struggled with. The person prefers to discuss the current situation.
5. Don't suddenly try to give the conversation a positive spin. It is natural that we tend to make the other person feel better by highlighting the positive side. However, if you do this, you may make the person feel like you are trying to fix the problem, which may make the person feel that their situation is not important. Listen to the story without mentioning the positives.
   • For example, try to omit the following sentences: "Well, at least you're still alive.", "It's not too bad." or "Cheer up!"
   • Instead, use phrases along the lines of, "Of course you feel sad, you are going through a difficult time."

Part 2 of 3: Learning to listen attentively

1. Understand that the person wants to be heard. Most of the time, people who are crying or sad just need someone to listen to them. Try to let the other person speak as much as possible and avoid offering possible solutions.
   • You could perhaps come up with solutions at the end of the conversation. At the beginning of the conversation you should mainly listen to the other person.
2. Make it clear that you understand the situation. One way you can listen carefully is to repeat what the other person is saying. For example, you could say, "If I understand correctly, you are sad / angry because your boyfriend / girlfriend is not paying enough attention to you."
3. Do not let yourself be distracted. Keep the conversation going and focus your full attention on the other person. Turn off the television and don't let your eyes wander to your phone.
   • Staying focused on listening means that you can't let your mind wander. So you should leave daydreaming behind. Also, do not try to think in advance what you want to say during the conversation. On the other hand, you should take in the other person's story well.
4. Use body language to show that you are listening. Make eye contact with the person and nod when he or she is speaking. Laugh at the appropriate times or show concern by raising your eyebrows.
   • You should also not forget to maintain an open attitude. This means that you should not cross your arms or legs, but lean slightly in the direction of the other person.

Part 3 of 3: Closing the conversation

1. Acknowledge the feeling of helplessness. Most people feel a strong sense of helplessness when faced with a friend who is going through a difficult time. This is a natural reaction and you probably don't know what to say to the other person. However, acknowledging this fact and letting the other person know you're there for them is usually enough.
   • For example, you could say something like, “I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm not sure what to say to relieve the pain, and I'm aware that words can't really do this anyway. But I want to let you know that I am there for you when you need me. ”
2. Offer a hug. If this isn't uncomfortable for you, you could offer the other person a hug. However, it is best to ask the other person first, as some people feel uncomfortable with physical contact, especially if they have been through a traumatic experience.
   • For example, you could say, “I would like to give you a hug. Are you okay with that?"
3. Ask about the next steps. While there is not always a solution to the problem the person is facing, sometimes making a plan can make the other person feel better. That is why now is the right time to carefully propose solutions when the other person does not know what to do. If the person already has a plan, encourage them to discuss the steps to take with you.
4. Bring up therapy. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is going through a lot, you might ask if they've ever considered seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, seeing a therapist is still often characterized by a social stigma, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend has been struggling with certain issues for an extended period of time, it may be worth talking to someone who has learned before.
   • The social stigma surrounding seeing a therapist is, of course, unjust. You may even need to convince your friend that seeing a therapist is not at all strange. You debunk the stigma by letting your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you won't see them as a different person, even if they need a little help from a therapist.
5. Ask if you can do something for the person. Whether the person wants to talk to you on a weekly basis or eat together occasionally, you may be able to help. You may also be able to provide support for more difficult tasks, such as supporting the person when he or she requests a death certificate from a loved one. Open the conversation with the person and ask if he or she can use your help.
   • If the person seems hesitant about getting your help, you could offer concrete suggestions. For example, you could say, “I really want to help you. For example, I can take you somewhere with my car or bring you something to eat. Just let me know what I can do for you. ”
6. Be sincere. If you offer support or help, make sure you can keep your word. For example, if you say, "Feel free to call me at any time if you want to talk." The same applies if you offer to do something for the other person, for example give the person a lift to the therapist. Don't leave the person out in the cold and make sure you keep your word by actually picking them up.
7. Stay in touch with the person. Most people find it difficult to approach someone who might need some help, especially when it comes to emotional support. Therefore, don't forget to check in with the person from time to time to see how they are doing. It is important to be there for the other when needed.

Warnings

• Don't force someone to talk to you if the person doesn't want to. The other person must be ready and indicate when he or she wants to start the conversation.