Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 4: Show through your actions that you are thinking about the person
• Part 2 of 4: Showing your commitment with words
• Part 3 of 4: Knowing what not to do or say
• Part 4 of 4: Understanding chronic illness
• Tips

If someone you know is sick or unwell, it can be hard to watch them suffer when you can't help yourself. While you may not be able to change their condition, you can show that you care about the person by doing and saying the right things to help you through this difficult time.

To step

Part 1 of 4: Show through your actions that you are thinking about the person

1. Visit the person. If your loved one or a close friend is in the hospital or shackled at home, the most important way to support the other person is to be there. You can help the other person take a break from thinking about his or her illness and maintain an appearance of normalcy during this difficult time.
   • Think about what you could do during your visit. If the person likes to play card or board games, you can bring them with you. If you have children, you may want to leave them at home, but you can ask them to draw a picture for your friend to cheer them up.
   • Call first and make sure it is a good time, or plan your visit in advance. Sometimes illnesses require extra care in planning visits, because of different appointments, times when medications need to be taken, naps and early bedtime, and other unforeseen circumstances.
2. Treat her as you are used to from each other. Someone with a chronic or terminal illness lives with daily memories of the illness. What the person needs is to remember to still be the same person you love and care about. Treat them as you would if they weren't sick.
   • Make regular contact. Chronic illness can be a tough test of friendship, and in order to withstand the emotional and logistical challenges of the illness, you need to make staying in touch a priority. Someone who is under treatment, hospitalized or bedridden is often "out of sight and therefore out of mind," so make sure to make a note on your calendar to remember to get in touch regularly.
   • Help the other person do the things that they normally enjoy. If a friend has a chronic or terminal illness, it is important that they still have fun and joy in life. You can help by offering to take the person out for favorite activities.
   • Don't be afraid to joke or plan for the future! This is still the same person you know and love.
3. Support the other and her family. If your girlfriend has a family or even pets, this illness is likely to be even more stressful because he or she has to worry not only about his or her own recovery or prognosis, but also about those who depend on him or her. There are practical ways you can help help his or her family through this time:
   • Cook for the person. This is a classic, time-tested way of supporting someone who is sick. Whether or not the patient is able to help, cooking a meal for the family can take a load off the person's shoulders so that he or she can rest in the knowledge that any children, husband or other dependent persons are well cared for.
   • Help her make plans for her own care. If your friend has small children, older parents, or others who depend on him or her, ask how you can be proactive in your care during the illness. For example, the person may need someone to visit and monitor their father, someone to walk the dog, or someone to take the kids to and from school or pick them up from soccer practice. Sometimes planning small logistics errands can be difficult for people who are sick, but having a trustworthy friend to help carry the load can make a big difference.
   • Help clean the house. Some people may feel uncomfortable with this type of support, so ask your friend first, but if you are open to it, ask if you can do this one day a week (or more, or less, whatever you can provide), and take care of the chores. You can offer a specific job that you know you're good at (mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, running errands) or just let the person tell you what they'll find most helpful.
   • Ask the person what they need and do so. People often say, "Let me know if you need help," but most people are too timid to ever follow up and accept that offer. Instead of asking to get in touch if the person needs something, call them and ask them what is needed. Tell them you are on your way to the supermarket and want to know if you can bring something, or ask if there is an evening this week when the person needs help with the household. Be specific and be genuine in your willingness to help. Follow it up and do it - that's the most important part!
4. Send flowers or a fruit basket. If you can't be physically present, at least send a sign of your affection so your friend knows you're thinking about him or her.
   • Keep in mind that the illness can make your friend more susceptible to strong smells (some cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy, for example, may not like a bouquet) and instead think of other things that might work like their favorite chocolate, a teddy bear or balloons.
   • Many hospitals offer a delivery service at the gift shop, so if the friend is a patient, consider purchasing a bouquet or balloon right from the venue. Most hospitals list the phone number of their gift shops on their website, but otherwise call the hospital counter.
   • Consider purchasing a larger gift or flower arrangement with friends or colleagues.
5. Be yourself. You are unique and you don't have to pretend you can solve everything, do everything, or have an answer to everything. Just be yourself.
   • Don't pretend you have the answers. Sometimes, even if you do, it's better to let someone figure things out for themselves. Being yourself can also be about your sense of humor - you may think you need to be very careful around a sick person, but being nervous or acting like you don't know what to say can make the other person feel uncomfortable, so be your laughing, joking self (if that's the person you usually are).
   • Be fun. You want to be as supportive and comforting as possible. You want to boost the other person's state of mind and not bother them with gossip or negative opinions. Even wearing brightly colored clothes can brighten up the other person's day!
6. Make the other person feel needed. Sometimes, seeking advice or asking for small favors can help someone with a chronic or terminal illness feel needed, which can motivate him or her to stay involved in the life around them.
   • In many illness situations, people are as sharp as ever, and thinking about other people's lives and problems can keep the illness out of their minds for a while.
   • Think about the friend's field and ask any questions you have that may be relevant. For example, suppose the friend is an avid gardener and you feel like planting bulbs for spring, ask for advice on when to start and what kind of mulch to use.

Part 2 of 4: Showing your commitment with words

1. Talk to the person. Learn how to be a good listener and let them know that you are there for the person if he or she wants to speak up about their condition or rather talk about something else. Either way, having someone to talk to can be a huge relief to someone who is sick.
   • Be honest with the person if you don't know what to say. Illness often makes people uncomfortable, and that's okay. What is important is that you are present for him or her and offer your support. Tell your friend that you are there for him or her no matter what.
2. Send a card or call. If you can't come by, send a card or give us a call. It's easy to send a text message or create a Facebook message, but email and phone calls are a bit more personal and will appeal to the recipient more.
   • Consider writing an concerned letter. This can be easier if you are someone who doesn't know what to say around people in difficult situations. You can write a letter and then take the time to edit and rewrite it, if you feel like you haven't conveyed your feelings properly. Focus on kind wishes, prayers for recovery, and also good news that has nothing to do with their illness.
3. Ask questions. While it's important to respect your friend's privacy, if the person is open to them, asking questions can be a great way to learn more about the condition in question and find more ways you can support the other person.
   • You can look up the disease online, but asking questions is the only way to know how the condition impacts the person, and just as importantly, how the person feels about what they are experiencing.
4. Talk to the person's children. If the person has children, they are likely to feel isolated, lonely, and confused. Depending on the severity of their parent's illness, they can also be scared, angry, and concerned. They need someone to talk to and if they know and trust you, you can act as a mentor and friend during this time.
   • Take them for an ice cream and let them talk. Don't force them to say more than they seem to want. Some kids just need you there as a reassuring force in their lives, while others want to get rid of all their feelings. Be open to their directions and get in touch every few days or weeks, depending on how close you are to them.

Part 3 of 4: Knowing what not to do or say

1. Pay attention to common mistakes. There are a lot of clichés that people use when other people are going through difficult times, and most of the time these common responses just come across as insincere or painful to the recipient. Examples of things not to say are:
   • "God will never ask you for more than you can handle" or an even worse variant, "This is God's will." Sometimes well-meaning religious people use these comments (and they can really believe it themselves), but it can be very hard on the recipient, especially if they are experiencing something that is very difficult or overwhelming. It could also be that the person himself does not believe in God.
   • 'I know how you feel'. Sometimes people say something similar to others who are going through hard times, and while it is true that everyone in life has gone through trials, it is impossible to know how anyone else is feeling. This sentence is even worse when accompanied by personal anecdotes that really don't match the intensity of what the sufferer is experiencing. For example, if someone is facing the loss of a limb, don't equate it with the time you broke your arm. That is not the same. But if you've really had an experience that matches the experience the sufferer is going through, it's okay to talk and say "I've been through something like that."
   • "You will be fine." This is a common phrase when people don't know what to say, and we often say it more as a wish than a statement of fact. In fact, you don't know if it will be okay, and in many cases of chronic or terminal illness it will not get along with the person. The person may be dying or condemned to a life of physical suffering.Saying things will be okay downplay the experience they have.
   • "Anyway ..." Don't downplay the person's suffering by suggesting that they should be grateful that their situation is not worse.
2. Don't complain about your own health problems. In particular, avoid discussing minor health issues such as headaches or colds.
   • This can vary depending on your relationship with the person and the duration of their illness. If they are chronically ill, or someone you talk to a lot in depth, then it is more likely that it is appropriate to discuss things you are going through.
3. Don't let the fear of doing the wrong thing stop you from doing something. While it is true that it is important to consider the feelings of someone who is ill, sometimes we overcompensate our fear of doing the wrong thing by doing nothing at all. It's better to apologize for an ill-considered comment than to ignore your sick boyfriend or girlfriend altogether.
   • If you do screw up and say something insensitive, just say, "I don't know why I said that." I really don't know what to say. This situation is just very difficult. "The other will understand.
4. Consider the other person's feelings. Try to pay attention to your friend's directions so that you don't visit too often or stay too long. When someone is extremely sick it can be very difficult to have a conversation and they won't want to offend you, so they can overburden themselves by trying not to upset you.
   • If your friend seems distracted by the television or her phone, or seems to be having trouble falling asleep, this could be a sign that the person is getting tired from the visit. Don't take this personally! Remember that the person is going through a lot, both physically and emotionally, which can be very stressful.
   • Be aware of the time and make sure you don't extend your stay to meals or other times when your friend may need to be alone. If you plan to visit during dinnertime, ask your friend to pick up some food or cook him or her a meal.

Part 4 of 4: Understanding chronic illness

1. Be aware of your friend's limitations. Learn about the person's condition and treatment plan so you can be prepared for side effects, changes in personality, or energy or stamina limitations.
   • Ask the person about their condition, if they want to share it, or take the time to read more about it.
   • Pay attention to the patient's body language to understand how they feel and the impact of the disease on the ability to participate in activities, stay alert, and stay emotionally stable. If the person is not acting like his or her old self, be gentle and understanding, and remember that the burden of an illness can be very heavy.
2. Consider the effect of the illness on your friend's mood. Dealing with debilitating, chronic, or terminal illness very often results in depression and other problems, and sometimes the drugs to treat such illnesses also have side effects that can affect mood.
   • If your friend is struggling with thoughts of depression, remind the person that this illness is not his or her fault and that you will be there to support them no matter what.
3. Show empathy. Try to put yourself in that person's situation. One day you may have a similar illness and you want people to be kind and sympathetic to you. Remember the golden rule: Treat others the way you want others to treat you.
   • If you were sick with a similar condition, what kind of daily activities would be a struggle? How could you feel emotionally? What kind of support would you hope your friends would provide?
   • Introducing yourself in their place can help you determine how best you can help the other person.

Tips

• If the person's friend is suffering from a dangerous contagious disease, take precautions to prevent the spread of germs, such as wearing a surgical mask and keeping a reasonable distance from the person. You can also video chat or call to stay in touch and stay connected without the risk of contracting an illness yourself.