Content

• Steps
• Tips
• Warnings

A stepfather's responsibilities can be both enjoyable and challenging. If you are the husband or partner of a woman with children, you need to accept them as part of the family; love, take care of them and protect them with all your strength. Being a good stepfather is almost the same as being a good father, and it’s also realizing that establishing yourself as a stepfather in a new family takes time and willingness to face challenges.

Steps

1. 1 Remember that children may have a biological father who is their authority. Never try to compete with him.
2. 2 Be patient while waiting for your foster child to respond to your care, affection and love. Often, children are deeply traumatized by the situation in which their biological parents are forced to destroy the marriage. Many of them perceive the new partners of their parents as a threat. The best healer is not only time, but also the ability to maintain an active-positive attitude whenever you are with your child.
3. 3 Take part in all the activities that interest your child. Helping with homework, school projects, attending sporting events and hobby groups will show them that you are supporting them. The more active you are, the faster the child will be able to accept you as a second father and the more grateful he will be for being a part of his life.
4. 4 Distribute equally the time and gifts you give to your own children and your adopted children. Now both are your family equally. Under all circumstances, avoid the urge to give preference to one of the children. Every child must be treated as an equal among equals, and no child deserves to be neglected.
   • Keep a close eye on how your foster child interacts with your own children, if you have any. Jealousy is poison for any relationship. If children show it, try to eliminate the cause right away. To maintain a happy family atmosphere, aggression from the foster child must be fought with honest and prudent methods.
   • Never treat your adopted child as if he is not worth your time or your love simply because he is not your own child.
   • Under no circumstances should your adopted child feel unwanted or unloved, or the one who interferes with your relationship with his mother.
5. 5 Encourage the foster child to participate in your favorite activities. If you are fishing, golfing, if you have any other hobbies, always let your child participate in them if possible. This will not only allow the child to understand what you like, but also give his mother some free time. On the other hand, never force your child to do what you asked - if the child is not interested in fishing or changing house wiring, do not force him or her. A little time and your enthusiasm - and the child may want to keep you company himself. However, if the child is completely uninterested, this does not mean that he treats you badly, it only means that he does not share your hobbies. Trying to force your child to do things they hate, just to prove you are friends, will cause negative reactions. Instead, try to look for something in common until you find an activity in which your child will be happy to participate.
   • Try to spend as much time as possible with the foster child and teach him to be responsible.
   • Show your child that you are ready to help him with any household chores. It is very important for children to understand that housekeeping is a job for the whole family, the responsibility of everyone who lives in the house, not just the mother. Don't be too conservative, even if the child's own father is of the same opinion.
6. 6 Communicate with your child calmly and clearly. Let your foster child know that you can be talked to whenever needed. Learn to listen if a child comes to talk to you. Be objective and ready to accept someone else's point of view - remember that before you appeared in your life, the child had his own circle of friends. Share your views with him, but avoid harshness and pressure. Always substantiate your actions and opinions.
   • Never reduce communication with a foster child to screaming. You should always pay attention to the positive things your child is doing, not just what they are doing wrong.
   • Keep your unflattering opinion of the child's own father to yourself. If you are not asked about it directly, never express your opinion about him - not with the child or with anyone else. If you are still asked about this, be careful and tactful, because such a conversation can always turn into too emotional. Each parent brings up their child in their own way, and if your own father has not withdrawn from education at all, and if he does not treat the child badly, you should not judge him.
   • Never quarrel with the child's mother in front of him. In particular, try to never use offensive remarks about her where your child can hear you. He will be sensitive to any manifestation of disharmony in the family, mainly because of the desire to protect the mother and the hope that the new relationship will lead to the creation of a strong family.
7. 7 Respect your child's privacy. Any adolescent child needs privacy and privacy, and if there is no reason to seriously worry about a child's behavior or hobbies, the more personal space you give them, the more trust they will feel.
8. 8 Raise the child according to the wishes of the mother, not against them. This means that you need to openly discuss her parenting expectations and intentions with her, and be clear about the overall parenting direction that you both will be following.Give her as much support as possible, unless her intentions are dangerous and threaten the stability of her family and relationships.
   • Show respect for the mother's routine of chores and homework. Even if you think that he is too strict, never discuss it in front of the child or make comments that call into question the authority of the mother. Instead, talk to her about your concerns one-on-one and try to reach a compromise that will benefit the child the most.
   • Discuss any decisions that directly or indirectly affect your foster child with the mother. Do not enroll your child in a club or summer camp without discussing it with the mother. Do not buy potentially dangerous toys or gadgets without your child's knowledge and consent. Never take your child with you on a trip in a potentially dangerous form of transport without her permission.
   • Discuss the moral impact of computer games and video games with the child's mother. Often the mother allows her child to do something because of social pressure: "everyone does it." Each family should have its own standards and ethics. The child's mother needs your support and your advice on whether to let the child play violent games with explicit graphics or watch age-restricted films.
   • You must understand that your spouse is a mother, and she may not always have time to spend it alone with you. There may always be times when she needs to spend time with the child or help the child exactly when you want to spend time with her.
9. 9 Help the mother plan for your foster child's future. The responsibility to save savings for training, buying your first car, and finding your first job may fall on you. Be actively involved in deciding what exactly is required to provide for the unborn child, first discussing this with the mother, and then involving the child himself when necessary.
10. 10 Be a good example for your adopted child. Smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, the use of light drugs - all this should not be in the house where the child lives. This is not a behavior that could be called exemplary for a child, given the negative impact of tobacco smoke on young lungs and the danger of taking soft drugs as "the norm." If you have problems with addiction to harmful substances, see your doctor. If you wish to smoke, smoke outside the home, away from your child.
11. 11 Remember that the foster father is the leading role in the group (family). Learn to accept the unique qualities of each family member, their flaws, even oddities. You will have a lot of pleasant, even wonderful moments, but there will also be quarrels, disagreements and disappointments. Patience, love, and compassion will help you cope with difficulties. You are an adult, and no matter what happens, you must always remember this, as well as the fact that those problems that may seem huge today will be forgotten tomorrow in the hustle and bustle, and in a year they will seem ridiculous to you.
    • Be yourself. It is almost impossible to constantly do, love, behave in a way that is not typical for you, to be what you are not. So you can only impress the child for a short time, but your true personality will sooner or later show itself.
    • You made a choice and started a relationship with a woman who already has children, which means that you made a choice to be a role model for her children.
    • It is a great idea to maintain good relations with the natural father of the adopted child, except in cases where the father of the child is not allowed to take part in his life. Quite a large number of stepfathers maintain friendly relations with the fathers of their adopted children - if both act in the best interests of the child and help each other in this. When there is common sense in such a relationship, serious difficulties rarely occur.
    • Never miss an opportunity to tell your foster child that you love him.
12. 12 Try to forget that this is not your own child. Sometimes, if you think about it too often, you will feel awkward and unnatural with your child. Treat him the way you would treat a loved one: if you love your spouse, how can you not love her children?

Tips

• Few things are more effective in winning a child's favor than small, well-deserved rewards and tokens. Appreciate achievements not only in words, but also in material reward, even if it is some little thing, but a little thing that the child will definitely like, because you were attentive to him and know him well. This will awaken his best qualities, it can motivate his good behavior better than any punishment, and it will tell the child that you are treating him honestly and with love. Honesty is of the utmost importance to children. By rewarding and praising them, thanks to them every time they do something for you, you demonstrate, not in words, but in deeds, that you are a good person. You know what good is, and you act kindly, your words do not differ from your deeds.
• Spend a lot of time with your foster child. This will allow you to establish a good relationship with him and how you should get to know him. It will also show your child that you are passionate about him and that you are interested in spending time with him.
• Pay attention to the child's merits, and make it a habit to brag about your adopted child the same way you would brag to your family. "My daughter is so smart that she knows better computers than I do." “Yesterday I heard my son sing my favorite song - he has real talent!”. Whatever the child's talents and interests, be proud of him as a part of your family. Just do not try to do it with a child. If you get used to this, the child will notice the result in the attitude of others towards him, and sooner or later he will hear you praise him, simply because it will become so much a habit that you will not even notice that the child is listening to you. The more casual you do it, the better it will demonstrate how wonderful a father you are, a true team player you can always rely on. This simple technique will not hurt in relationships with their own children, and will help them gain self-confidence.
• Pay attention to each child, family or not, as a person.
• Don't let your desire to be your child's best friend overshadow your ability to think soberly. If the child wants to do something dangerous or something that the mother does not allow him, he may try to enlist your support, and this is fraught with conflict with the child's mother. Never give your child your permission without getting the mother's approval. Never let your child walk or do something without asking her consent.
• The best way to bond with a child under the age of ten is to play educational games with them. Let the level of rewarding creative play match or exceed the school curriculum. When you are able to get the child interested in such games, ask the child's mother to participate. Try to make these games regular so that your child is always looking forward to spending time with you while mom is busy.
• Under no circumstances should you set double standards, especially if it puts your own children above foster children. The child will always take it negatively, even if your intentions were good. Avoid even the slightest hint of dishonesty in your relationship. Discuss certain rules of conduct with your spouse, have her agree with them - and only then apply them equally to all children.
• Before you enter a relationship with someone who already has children, prepare yourself for the emotional stress that relationship will put on you."You are not my real dad" - you can hear this quite often. The best answer to those words is “No, not real. I am your stepfather. I love your mom and I love you because I see a part of her in you. I don't want to replace your father, but I want to be your friend. I will try to do everything that depends on me, but I do not want to supplant your real dad, I just want to become a part of your life. Even if I'm not your real dad, I'm still a good father. "
• Do not overdo it, but remember that it is easy to bribe a child. Just do not use large sums of money for this. It is much better to carefully observe the child, understand what he really likes and give thoughtful gifts. A glass figurine for your favorite collection or a long-awaited book with your favorite characters, assembling a model that you could do together, any hobby item will be a great, albeit small, gift. Don't do this every day, but give your child something as a welcome gift when you first arrive, and then give something from time to time, spontaneously.

Warnings

• Never say, “You should follow your brother / sister's example,” never compare children. Each child is a person, a unique personality, with their own needs, talents, goals and personal qualities. Accept each child for who they are and judge by their true capabilities and talents. For one child, achieving something in the most difficult subject for him means much more than for a child who understands this subject well. When judging results, take into account how much effort has been put in.
• Don't complain about every little thing your adopted child does. Remember that it is not easy for a child to adapt to a new environment and automatically learn to respect you.
• Never put your spouse before a choice: you or her children. Most likely, she will make a choice not in your favor. But even if she chooses you, you both will fail, losing the love and respect of the child.
• Do not reward your child for every routine task or behavior he or she performs. In this case, the child will begin to fulfill the responsibilities assigned to him only for the encouragement, and will lose interest in the hobbies if you reward them too often. Save rewards for special accomplishments, such as improved school performance, thorough spring cleaning, for every action that goes beyond the usual.
• Never complain to strangers about your adopted children. Under no circumstances. Don't do that to your children either. When you talk about your children or adopted children, mention their best qualities and talk about what you like about them. Remember that negative assessments of children do not make you look in the best light either - if they are so terrible, then your relationship with your spouse leaves much to be desired.
• Your role as a stepfather makes it your responsibility to protect your child from a variety of dangers. Be alert to the risks your child may face and be vigilant to eliminate any danger in the home. Small children suffer from trauma every day, the cause of which is the same - inattention of adults.