How to deal with controlling parents

Video: 3 Tactics of Controlling Parents ... and Ways to Handle and Heal

Content

Steps
Method 1 of 4: Brace Yourself
Method 2 of 4: Try to fix the situation
Method 3 of 4: Build Relationships
Method 4 of 4: Respect Relationship Barriers
Tips
Warnings
Additional articles

Children often feel that their parents are restricting their independence too much. Sometimes this is due to the fact that the parents do not fully realize that the child has become old enough and is trying to push the boundaries a little, and sometimes this is due to the fact that the parents are trying too hard to control the child's life. There are many reasons for the need to control your child, including the fear that the child will repeat the mistakes of the parents. At the same time, sometimes parents simply do not realize that their behavior is causing harm to the child, and not protecting him.

Steps

Method 1 of 4: Brace Yourself

1 Understand what is controlling behavior. Some parents are very demanding of their children, but this does not mean that they are trying to control them. Usually, people use certain behavioral tactics to control. The tactics can be overt or covert. Controlling behavior can range from open criticism to veiled threats. For example, there are the following signs of controlling parenting behavior:
- isolating the child from other family members or friends, preventing him from spending time with friends or relatives;
- constant trivial criticism (for example, the appearance of the child, his manners, the choice made);
- threats to harm yourself or your child, for example, with phrases of the following type: “I’ll beat you if you don’t come home right now!”;
- manifestation of conditional love and recognition in the form of phrases: “I love you only when your room is tidy!”;
- keeping a record of the mistakes made by the child, reminding them to upset him or force him to do something;
- manipulation of feelings of guilt in order to force the child to do something, for example, phrases of the following type: “I suffered for 18 hours in childbirth in order to give you life, but you can’t give me a couple of hours of your time?”;
- espionage and other disrespect for a child's personal space, searches in his room, reading SMS on his phone, and so on.
2 Take full responsibility for your actions. Even if your parents control you, you are responsible for how you respond to this behavior. Only you decide whether to let them rule you or oppose them. You are also responsible for whether you talk to your parents politely or be overly aggressive and aggravate the situation.
- Sometimes it's helpful to think about your own behavior and take a detached view of it by talking to your reflection in the mirror. Play out various scenarios for the development of events that may occur when communicating with your parents. This will make it easier for you to control the situation when it's time for a real conversation.
3 Don't try to please your parents. The task of the parents is to raise the child to be happy, healthy and well-mannered. And the child's task is to grow up as a happy, healthy and well-mannered person. If you are not happy with what your parents have in mind, you should strive to please yourself, not them. This is your love life.
4 Make an objective plan of action. Most likely, you will not be able to instantly throw off the canopy of the controlling parental atmosphere.You will need to come up with a skillful and realistic plan of action to start making your own decisions. The starting point for your plan might be something as simple as reminding yourself daily that you are in control of your life. This will help you develop self-confidence. Ideally, the plan should include a gradual increase in the number of decisions you make yourself.
5 Accept that you cannot change your parents. Just as parents cannot control your thoughts and feelings, you cannot influence their thoughts and feelings. You can only influence how you yourself react to them, and this sometimes helps to change the attitude of your parents towards you. But only parents can decide when and whether they should change at all.
- Trying to force your parents to change is analogous to the control they are trying to maintain over you. If you are aware of this, then accept the fact that parents are free to make their own decisions.

Method 2 of 4: Try to fix the situation

1 Physically distance yourself from your parents. Basically, to establish control, people try to appeal to each other's feelings. This may involve anger, guilt, disapproval. If you want to free yourself from the controlling oppression of another person (parent or someone else), then it would be wise to distance yourself, for example, start spending less time together, less often call up.
- If you still live with your parents, it will be difficult to distance yourself (especially if you are also the youngest child in the family). However, even in such a situation, some barriers can be set up in the relationship with the parents. A family psychologist can help you with this.
2 Try not to jump into self-defense. Cutting back on time with your parents can make them upset and take their anger out on you. If your parents start complaining about not spending much time with them, or accusing you of not loving them, try not to go into self-defense.
- Try responding like this: “I'm sorry you're upset. I understand how upset you are. "
- Keep in mind that the atmosphere of the relationship with the parents may get a little worse before the improvement occurs. However, it is very important to keep your distance and not be led by threats. For example, if your mother threatens to commit suicide for your neglect, tell her that you are calling an ambulance and hang up. Don't forget to do this. You should not give up everything and rush home to your parents to please their whims.
3 Get rid of financial dependence. Another lever of control for parents is the child's financial dependence. If you are able to make a living on your own, split your finances. It may not be so easy, but you will have to pay your bills, buy your own things, plan your own budget. This will not only make you a more responsible person, but also weaken parental control.
- It will be difficult for the youngest child, but it is not impossible if you move in small steps. Even if you are not yet paying your rent and utility bills yourself, try to start earning your own money for personal spending. This does not mean that your parents will immediately relieve you of control, but spending your own money on entertainment such as movies will allow you to remove one of the components of parental control.
4 Refrain from asking your parents for favors. Asking for a favor will give your parents the right to bargain with you. If you want to get something from your parents, then you will have to do something for them in return. While there is nothing reprehensible in this, in such a situation it is easy to transfer control over decision-making into parental hands. When you need help, it's best to talk to friends or other family members.
5 Learn to identify abuse. If your parents are abusive to you, contact the guardianship and guardianship authorities or talk to an authority figure at the school (teacher or psychologist). Abuse can be expressed in many different ways, so if you are unsure if you are being abused, it is best to talk to a school counselor first. Abuse can include:
- physically abusive treatment in the form of spanking, hitting, tying up, injuring and burning;
- emotionally cruel treatment in the form of name-calling, humiliation, accusations and unreasonably high demands;
- sexual harassment in the form of inappropriate touching, sexual intercourse and intercourse.

Method 3 of 4: Build Relationships

1 Let go of the past. Holding back a dislike for your parents or yourself is not the best way to fix a relationship. It will be more useful to forgive parents for their mistakes. It's also helpful to forgive yourself for your own reactions to your parents' mistakes.
- Remember that forgiveness is not limited to one person who has stumbled. Forgiveness is also important for your own emotional well-being. By forgiving your parents, you let go of the anger you feel towards them, but you do not at all confirm that their words and actions were acceptable.
- In order to forgive someone, you need to make a conscious decision to let go of the anger you are feeling. To do this, you can write a letter to the parents, but not send it. In the letter, you need to honestly express all your feelings about what happened, explain why it made you angry, and also express your assumptions about the motives of the parents' behavior. The letter should be completed with a phrase with the following meaning: "I am not satisfied with what happened, but I decided to let go of my anger and forgive you." You can repeat the same thing out loud to yourself.
2 Learn to respectfully confront your parents. The first step is to explain to your parents how you feel and why you have decided to distance yourself from them. Parents will not be able to start solving a problem that they simply do not know exists. However, you should not blame anyone or show disrespect. Tell your parents how you feel, not how they dealt with you.
- You should not say such phrases: "You have violated my personal rights." The following phrase will sound more constructive: “I felt like a completely powerless person”.
3 Establish relationship barriers for yourself and your parents. When you begin to restore normal relationships, you must try to avoid reverting to old habits. Decide in advance what decisions parents are allowed to give you advice and in what cases it is not required. Barriers can also be set as to what parenting decisions you will be allowed to interfere with and what you can ask your parents for.
- For example, you may decide to consult with your parents about important career decisions (such as choosing a higher education institution or a specific job position). However, you can leave some decisions to your own discretion, for example, about who to date and whom to marry.
- You can also opt out of participating in family decisions that your parents are trying to pass on to you. However, you can offer your parents your support if they have serious health problems, such as cancer or heart problems.

Method 4 of 4: Respect Relationship Barriers

1 Respect established relationship barriers. Once these barriers are in place, you need to respect them. Parents cannot be expected to respect your privacy if you don’t do the same to them. If you have any problems because of the barriers you have set, talk openly with your parents and try to find a solution.
- When problems arise in relations with parents, phrases built from the point of view of teamwork sometimes help to resolve the situation. Try saying something like this: “I respect your barriers, but it seems to me that you don't always respect mine. What can we do to meet all our needs? ”
2 Stop your parents' attempts to interfere with your personal choices. If parents break the barriers to what is allowed, you must let them know. You don't have to be angry or upset. Calmly and respectfully inform your parents that they have crossed the line and ask them to stop. If they respect you, they will leave you alone.
- A humorous communication style also often makes it easier to communicate with controlling people. For example, if your parents constantly criticize your career choices, try to answer them with a joke like this: “Mom, look at you. Are you satisfied with your career? No? Then what claims can there be against me? "
3 If the problems persist, pause. If the situation does not develop as planned, you will again need to reduce the time you spend with your parents. This does not mean that you should break off all relations with them. It's just that children and parents often get too close to mutually respect the agreed barriers in the relationship. Spend a little more time apart and try to start over from the beginning.
4 Consider seeing a psychologist if the situation does not change. In some cases, the problems can be so serious that they will require contacting a family psychologist to resolve them. If you have honestly tried to respect the barriers you have set and have failed, talk with your parents about getting family counseling from a counselor.
- Try to address them like this: “Our relationship is important to me, but I think we need help to make it better. Would you like to contact a family psychologist with me? "

Tips

Discuss problems with friends or family. They may be able to help.
Try to discuss relationship problems with your parents before trying to distance yourself from them. Sometimes problems can be solved in a more pleasant way.

Warnings

If you think you are being mistreated and need help, contact your local guardianship and custody agency.
Do not consider any parental advice as an attempt to "control." Parents usually act out of your best interests and have more life experiences than you.