Content

• Steps
• Method 1 of 3: Identify the reasons behind your behavior
• Method 2 of 3: Commit yourself to a serious relationship
• Method 3 of 3: Understand dating trips

People who have a fear of commitment may want to completely surrender to the relationship, but perhaps because of past traumas, they fear being hurt. And so, instead of getting closer, they move away. If you need help dealing with your fear of commitment, we recommend that you see a psychotherapist who can help you sort out your feelings. As you work through the problems that caused you this phobia, learn a few tricks to help you navigate the dating world. If you're already in a relationship, learn ways to work through some of your fears with your loved one.

Steps

Method 1 of 3: Identify the reasons behind your behavior

1. 1 See a psychologist. Look for a psychologist or therapist who can work with you to research your commitment issues.You might want to contact someone who specializes in relationships and attachment theory. Despite the fact that on the territory of the Russian Federation, the activities of psychologists are not subject to compulsory licensing, make sure that the specialist has a higher basic or postgraduate professional education.
   • Attachment theory focuses on the child's early bonds with his parent. This is important to consider when undergoing therapy because your early connections with your parents or close family members may have influenced your commitment phobia and the way you behave in an adult relationship.
   • Talk to your therapist, contact your insurance company (if you have a voluntary health insurance policy), or contact a community counseling center for advice when looking for a psychologist. Alternatively, you can enter “find a psychotherapist” into a search engine on the Internet to find websites with information of interest to you.
2. 2 Explore your life story. Fear of commitment is most likely the result of past experiences. Think about what events in your life might have contributed to your fear. A psychologist or a close friend who will be there to listen to you can help you with this. You can also talk to trusted family members for more information about your childhood experiences. Keep in mind that the trauma and your age at that time may affect your memory.
   • Perhaps in your previous relationship, you thought everything was going well, but it ended abruptly without any warning.
   • You may have experienced psychological or physical abuse in a previous relationship.
   • You may have suffered abuse as a child or experienced other trauma while growing up.
   • You may have experienced parental divorce as you grew up.
   • Perhaps you have unmet needs or attachment problems stemming from childhood.
3. 3 Give a name to your fears. Find out what exactly scares you about commitment. Different people may have different frightening aspects of commitment. Typically, most people are afraid of intimacy and genuine emotional connection, but there is often some other aspect that keeps them from pursuing or seeking a serious relationship.
   • You may be afraid of making the wrong choice. You can be with someone and at the same time think: "What if there is someone better for me?"
   • Perhaps you are afraid of losing your freedom. After all, then you will no longer have a free weekend or the opportunity to do what you want when you want. You will have to consider the needs and wants of the other person.
   • Perhaps you are afraid of monotony. Being in a relationship, you will be forced to work on them, because they give not only fireworks of emotions and butterflies in the stomach. Real relationships require a lot of investment in order for them to flourish.
   • You may be intimidated by negative experiences in past relationships. Think about when you first felt anxiety or discomfort in a serious relationship. This may shed some light on the reason.
4. 4 Keep a diary. Take time to write in your journal about your fears of commitment. Keeping a journal can help you clarify your feelings and understand yourself better. A written report will also help you track your progress, which will increase your self-esteem.
   • Try to turn off your inner critic and write quickly without worrying about spelling or punctuation.
   • Try to get into the habit of keeping a regular journal. Many people take about twenty minutes first thing in the morning to clear their minds and focus.
   • Be sure to reread what has been written to see if any clarifying points come up. Don't worry if they don't appear regularly, as logging is a process.
5. 5 Explore other areas of your life for possible commitment phobias. Pay attention to the aspects that often cause you stress or anxiety, and consider whether you can blame it on commitment issues. Is your fear of commitment manifested in relationships and in other areas of your life? If you notice a pattern, you might want to talk with a psychologist about how to break this vicious circle.
   • For example, you rent an apartment in an area where you have lived for many years because you are intimidated by the thought of settling somewhere or buying your own home. Or maybe you turned down a vocational training program for a desired position because you feared it would diminish your options in the future.
   • You may find it difficult to stay in one job for a long period of time. Lack of permanent employment records can lead to career difficulties or stagnation in the future. See a career counselor to help you identify your professional goals and develop an action plan that can be helpful in the situation.
   • Find out what makes it easier for you to cope with your phobia of non-relationship commitments. For example, you may find it easier to purchase an expensive item if you first gather a lot of information about it. Or maybe the key to consistency will be the reward for sticking to the plan. For example, if you don't quit your job for two years, you will reward yourself with a cruise.

Method 2 of 3: Commit yourself to a serious relationship

1. 1 Have realistic expectations and stop comparing. Understand that there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. Every relationship has its stumbling blocks, but every relationship also has its own unique, wonderful aspects. If you are comparing your relationship to someone else's relationship, or to a relationship in a TV series or movie, it is important to stop doing so.
   • All couples quarrel. After all, suppressing conflict is bad for a relationship. It is to be expected that from time to time there will be a difference of opinion between two people.
   • In all couples there is some kind of dissatisfaction with the partner (and it doesn't matter if people are ready to admit it or not!). Mature couples understand that as long as the behavior of one partner does not violate the values ​​of the other, there will always be something unpleasant or annoying in the chosen one, which should be resigned to.
2. 2 Chat with your partner. Don't hide anything to avoid surprises or trust issues on both sides. Be honest about your fears so that your loved one can help you deal with them.
   • Be specific about the problems you need to deal with and how they make you feel. You could say, “Last night you asked me when we were going to be engaged. I felt psychological pressure from you. " Such a phrase is better than: "You are always pressuring me about the wedding!"
   • Show empathy for your loved one by actively listening to them and retelling what you hear in your own words. For example, if your girlfriend says, “I don’t know if you’ll ever want to marry me,” you might reply, “You are worried that I don’t want to marry you.” This will help you better understand your partner's position.
   • Apologize if you made a mistake or hurt his feelings. Take responsibility for the behavior that hurt the person. For example: “I’m sorry that I didn’t call you last night. Now I understand what made you worry. " Remember, apologizing is not weak. An apology shows humility, warmth, and trust.
   • If you both need help in a relationship, couples therapy can teach you how to better communicate with each other. Look for a psychologist who specializes in this area.
3. 3 Explain your fears to your partner. Of course, he may be upset to learn that you are afraid to commit yourself to him, but that is better than keeping him in the dark. Remember, there is nothing wrong with staying in a relationship, as long as you are honest about your fears of commitment. Your partner can end the relationship any time they want. But let's hope you are doing inner work on yourself and you roughly understand why you are afraid of a serious relationship.
   • You can say, “I really care about you, but I noticed that the closer we get, and the more I love you, the more I feel the urge to push you away. It's not because you're doing something wrong. It’s because I’m afraid. ”
   • Try asking for understanding. Say, “I know this is likely to upset you, but I hope you understand what I mean. I am afraid to rush things after my previous relationship. Do you think you will be able to support me and help me be less afraid? "
4. 4 Think about your personal goals for the future. Determine how you would like to see your life in five or ten years. Is there a place in your picture of the future for a serious, long-term relationship (married or not)? Do you want to have a family? Discuss your thoughts with your loved one.
   • If you and your significant other are discussing more serious obligations to each other (for example, living together or getting married), and you feel that things are moving too quickly, talk about it. Say, “I know that you are ready to take this step, but it worries me. Are you ready to wait until I get used to this idea? " Ask your partner how much time they can give you.
   • Keep in mind that it is also important during this period to work on your fears of commitment and to consider if you really want to be with this person. Don't just stay in a relationship and hope for a sign from above.
5. 5 Remember why you are dating a loved one. Revisit what made you choose it, and think about why you are still interested in it. It can be helpful to make a list of the things you like about it.
   • Keep this list in a safe place that you can access at any time in case you feel anxious or anxious to run away. Your words about how you value this person will help you stay focused and stay focused.
   • Show the list to your partner. He will find it very touching when you find out how much you appreciate him.

Method 3 of 3: Understand dating trips

1. 1 Make specific plans and don't cancel them. Attachment phobias are notorious for making plans or accepting invitations clearly. Make it a point to make dates a week in advance (or choose a different time frame outside of your comfort zone) and not cancel them.
   • Don't say, "I'll try to drop by," or, "I might be able to do it." Say: “Yes, I would love to come” - and keep your word.
2. 2 Stop erratic behavior. If you have an addiction to promiscuous sex, understand that your behavior may be the result of seeking a close connection with someone. The next time you feel the urge to have friendly sex, try calling and chatting with your friend.
   • Call a close friend and offer to meet at a coffee shop, bar, or other place where you can talk.
3. 3 Stop collecting numbers of people you won't call. Don't set other people up to be disappointed. If you have no intention of continuing with the person, don't mislead them.
   • Let's say you are chatting with someone at a party. The man says: "Listen, maybe we will meet sometime?" You know that the person you are talking to is not very attractive to you, and you are not interested in continuing the relationship.Say, "Thanks, but I'm not in the mood for dating at the moment," or, "That's so sweet of you, but I'm working on some personal difficulties right now."
4. 4 Get the person you really care about. Often times, people who have a fear of commitment do not reach out to those they really like because they fear rejection, as well as potential relationships. Instead, they are often content with those with whom they have little in common, or people with whom they see no future.
   • Strive for someone who shares common values ​​with you. If you want to develop a sincere relationship with someone, you need to make sure that you share some common foundations on which that relationship is built. It could be things like a shared culture or faith, a value you place on your career or family, or personality traits that you both value in others.
   • Take a chance and ask someone you really like on a date. While rejection can be painful and feel like failure, you’ll realize that this is not the end of the world. See failure as a chance to be braver.
   • If the person responds to you in return, that's great! Be bold and take your time, and notify him about it. You might say, “I like you very much and want to get to know you better, but I have had difficult times in the past. I hope you will understand with understanding that now I do not want to rush. "