Content

• Steps

Relationship building has been hard, and breaking up is even more difficult. After a breakup, there are many reasons why you might need to consider talking to your ex. You may want to maintain a friendship with your significant other even if your relationship is not developing. Perhaps you two have children together, and this means at least you have to talk to him or her about child care. Maybe even because you want to try to get back together. But before you start making calls or texting, be sure to take a moment to think about the reasons. No matter what they are, there are several steps that can help you to communicate smoothly with your ex.

Steps

Method 1 of 4: Reflect on your reasons

1. 

   Ask yourself why you want to talk to your ex. There are probably many reasons why you feel like you want or need to communicate with your ex. And there are also many things that you need to consider. Do you want to talk to your crush because you haven't been in contact for a long time? Or are you two maintaining a friendship and now you want to ask your ex to keep some distance? Or do you have to talk because it involves the kids? Take a moment to think about why you want to talk to your ex to make sure this is what you really want to do.

2. 

   
   
   Avoid contacting the person just to make a complaint. Although the two's love story ended, at some point, this relationship also brought about good things. Relentless whining and evoking pain won't help you solve the problem, and it won't help your relationship if you're trying to maintain a friendship with the person.
   • If you have children with your ex, think about the effects of complaining about them as well. You don't want your kids to look at you like a complaining bad guy all day long.

3. 

   
   
   Be frank. Shouldn't be roundabout. If you need to discuss something important with the person, talk to them directly. Do not allude or say passive statements, be clear and honest. Mention any possible boundaries you need (for example, texting / not texting, emailing / not emailing, etc.).

4. 

   Avoid sending false messages. Are you looking for casual relationships that only involve having sex? Although your ex will be a good candidate for the position, it is likely that he or she will still harbor feelings for you. Trying to start a new relationship with your significant other without setting clear expectations will only make you both suffer.

5. 

   
   
   Don't use your ex as spiritual support. It can be easy to rely on someone you know when you are lonely or hopeless. You may think that your ex is the best place to be more relieved. However, you should be careful to avoid seeing the person as your spiritual support. You should reach out to friends and other resources.

6. 

   It is important to remember clearly why the two broke up. Regardless of your decision (to chat with your ex or not), remember that you broke up for a reason. If you think there might be a way to work things out, be realistic. One more date will not make the person a new person. And promises to change from both sides are often meaningless. advertisement

Method 2 of 4: Contact

1. 

   Probe. Perhaps it had been a while since the two last contacted each other. Things have changed with that person, and with you. You should consider starting with caution, perhaps through social media. You can send your lover a text or an email and share about the positives that have happened to you since you last chatted. Do not overdo it; you should only keep it short, simple and friendly. Allow the person a chance to express yourself close to you.

2. 

   Offer to do something together. If the person responds and seems more interested in having a conversation, offer to meet at a place you used to enjoy and have positive memories. Give them more options and ask them which option they prefer. If your ex is unable to see you in person, or does not live near where you live, arrange to chat with them over the phone. Ask about when the person is free so you can make a call. By planning ahead, you can avoid not being able to reach them due to busy schedules.
   • For example, have the two of you met at a coffee shop where you both have only positive memories? Or is it at a certain park or bakery that has nothing to do with you and your ex? You should choose places like this for your first meeting so you don't get in the way of your relationship progressing.
   • If your relationship with your significant other has a lot of conflict but you need to meet each other to talk, for example about your children, a public place may be good enough to encourage you to take control of your emotions.
   • Skype is also an inexpensive means to stay in touch when the two are quite far apart (or even quite close). As long as you have a computer or tablet with internet connection, you should be able to use Skype. And for Skype, you don't have to use a camera if you don't want to.

3. 

   Be kind and considerate. If you want to continue to be friends with your ex, being attentive will encourage your ex to think about you positively. How kind and considerate to act is up to you, but it should be based on your personality and how comfortable you feel in doing it. Don't go too far and make the person feel bad, however, think about the things that they value and enjoy. A good option is to show them that you still remember something specific about them (for example, liking a single store of chocolates, a passion for a tea, etc. ) and this will prove that you haven't forgotten a good time with them.
   • For example, maybe your friend loves a traditional beer that is only available in a few places, or they like to collect items like figurines or snowballs. Such simple, inexpensive yet thoughtful things are a beautiful gesture that shows that you still remember many wonderful things about your ex.

4. 

   Show clear intentions. You initiate this communication for a particular reason. You have decided that you want to form a different kind of relationship with your ex. You must understand what you want and make it clear to your ex. If you just want to be friends with them, make sure they understand it. If you want to go back to the way it was, be clear. If you don't want to contact them unless you need to discuss important matters like your children, you should also let them know. The ex may be wondering what you want and you may be surprised when they ask. You should have your answers ready.
   • The best way to state your intentions is to set specific goals. Determine what you want from the person and stick with it. If you hope the two get together, be clear. And if you just want to be friends with your ex, get your ex to understand the problem immediately. And if the person asks you to accept things that are less than you would like, consider walking away.

5. 

   Be prepared for negative reactions. Remember that you broke up for a reason. Your ex may experience some feelings about the breakup without your knowledge or understanding. Be prepared to accept a negative reaction from your ex to all your suggestions, even if you only mean well. Don't make denial a big deal, and don't say something you will regret later.
   • Before you meet or talk to your ex, think about any reactions they might exhibit - good and bad. Consider why your ex acted this way. Have maneuvers for every reaction (in general) so you won't be surprised if it does happen.
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Method 3 of 4: Talk

1. 

   Consider your personal communication style. Everyone has a slightly different communication style. They can affect your ex's ability to understand what you say. If you understand your conversational style well, you can become more aware of how others understand your words. This will help you avoid misunderstandings and conflicts, and will also help you change your style if you know that the person won't respond well. For example, if you often put things straight, but your ex is easily frightened, minimize your frankness, at least initially.
   • People communicate in a friendly way tend to love cooperation. When they need to make a decision, they often gather opinions from a variety of people before reaching a conclusion. This means that they often listen to what the other person has to offer and consider it before making a decision.
   • People communicate in a competitive way love power and domination. They tend to make their own decisions without cooperation. They are often assertive (but not aggressive), direct, and sometimes challenge people who disagree with them.
   • Direct type communication person as their name suggests - direct. They speak frankly, and are not circular. If they want something, they will tell you.If they don't like something, they'll let you know too. Straightforwardness allows others to quickly get to know them. Usually, they will not vaguely present what they want. Sometimes people who talk too face-to-face are often seen as being forced or aggressive.
   • People who communicate indirectly have difficulty communicating your thoughts, wants, or needs to others. They often give hints about things they hope others will understand their implications of. This type of communication often creates a lot of confusion and confusion, but at the same time, it can also make you appear less aggressive.

2. 

   Become an active listener. Listening is an important part of communication. Realizing what your ex is saying (what he or she is saying AND what they mean) is seen as active listening. Active listening is even more important in the face of any distractions you may experience while in conversation. Phone rings, car horns, TV sounds, the sound of other people arguing, etc. can all stop you from focusing on the person and divert your attention. There are specific things you can do to train yourself to be a good listener.
   • Repeat and summarize the other person's words. You can repeat by using words to help clarify and simplify the meaning. That way, the other person will realize that you are paying attention, and they will know if you really understand what they mean.
     • For example, you could say: “I / I heard you say you want the kids to come over to your house every other week, not every week. Right?".
   • Do not interrupt. If the person is trying to say something, express attention by making eye contact, and nod or say short sentences to encourage them to continue. Allow the person to say everything without forcing them to stop or interrupt their thinking. This includes keeping quiet when the other person is thinking or trying to find the right words to express.
   • Ask questions. If you don't understand or want to clarify something, just ask. If you feel like your ex has only barely expressed his thoughts or feelings, ask questions to let them explain in more detail.
     • Try to use open-ended questions, rather than begging. For example: "How do you think we will interact with each other in the future?"
   • Confirm the person's feelings. You need to sympathize with everything they say. If the situation they are discussing sounds annoying, tell them they look frustrated. Tell them what makes them feel better because you opened up to you. If your ex has just told you about a really difficult problem they are hard to overcome, thank them for sharing it with you.

3. 

   Keep the conversation open. Make sure your conversation style and active listening skills don't ruin what your ex is trying to say. This factor is especially important if one of the reasons why you broke up was due to lack of communication or poor communication. If the communication style you used in the past doesn't work, you need to try a new style, otherwise you won't be able to continue. There are many things you should avoid when talking to your ex.
   • Don't ask too many why questions - especially with questions that start out like "why don't you ...". Asking questions of this kind often tends to put people on the defensive, and can lead to both arguments.
   • Don't ease the person's feelings by saying that they shouldn't worry about something, or that they shouldn't allow others to disturb them. You are not judgmental about what may or may not cause anxiety or disturb the other person. They have the right to feel anxious or upset about something.
   • If you begin by presenting a clarifying question or a question that allows the person to explain more thoroughly but looks hesitant, stop. Don't force them to say something they don't want. If that person wants to speak, they will.
   • Don't assume that you understand the other person's feelings. This includes telling the person their story every time they share their story. If your ex told you about a time when they were extremely upset about a problem, don't make it a story about when you also grieved.

4. 

   
   
   Use the subject ‘I’ (the subject of the sentence is yourself). If you are trying to explain your current (or past) feelings to your ex, don't turn it into the process of blaming just trying to list everything they've done that has let you down. - "You often ignore me / me", "I / I never want to spend time with you", or "I / I always want to hang out with other friends". Instead, remember to use the subject 'I' in every sentence - “I feel like I'm ignored”, “I'm so sad I didn't spend a lot of time with you” , or "Sometimes, I feel like I've been left out". The same goes for not to exaggerate what really happened by using the word "always" or "never".

5. 

   
   
   Avoid turning the conversation into an argument. You are not always right, and your ex does not necessarily agree with you, or vice versa. The goal of this conversation is not to argue or fight to win, but to build positive and intelligent communication on important topics that you need to discuss with your ex. There are no winners or losers in this.
   • This does not mean that you are not allowed to feel your ex's feelings or thoughts. You can still get angry or upset with what they say, but don't express your feelings without thinking. Take a few minutes to reflect on why the person did or say something and ask yourself if it makes sense.

6. 

   
   
   Examine the source of your emotions. You are both human and sometimes have some unpleasant emotions, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel that way. There's nothing wrong with having a certain feeling or thought, but it's important to try to be clear when you are venting your feelings on others and acknowledging it. You will even have a perfectly plausible explanation why you sometimes have such thoughts or feelings, perhaps due to your past experiences.
   • For example, if you dated someone who cheated in the past, and they often lie to work late, then when you hear your current partner say they have to work late, you might think irrational things about them. Take the time to explain this to your ex. Let them know where this way of thinking comes from, and that you understand that it does not affect your beliefs, but you still cannot remove them from your mind because of the bad experience. past.
   • Sometimes, feelings and thoughts can be very absurd. For example, you might feel jealous when your ex has a new lover, even if you don't want you both to get back together like before. Your feelings may just be because the person means a lot to you. You are completely allowed to have that feeling.

7. 

   Be open, honest, and respectful. Since this conversation involves accomplishing specific goals with your ex, you need to be as clear, concise, and honest as possible. Explain what you want - from your ex and from your relationship. Highlight the expectations you want to receive from the relationship. Tell them why you are feeling. Accept that you have your own needs and dreams, and that this is okay.
   • Maintain understanding and honesty even if your ex doesn't respect you.If your ex treats you badly, or says something hurtful, remember that you are prepared to deal with the problem. Friend can will get over it and you will be fine. There's no point in lowering yourself to the person's level and responding to them with the same disrespect as them. You will regret it later.
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Method 4 of 4: Forget your ex

1. 

   Remind yourself of the reasons you broke up. Breaking up with others, especially someone you have a strong crush on, will make you feel as though the world is crumbling at your feet. Remind yourself that there is always a good reason your relationship ends. There might be a good reason why you two broke up, even if you can't remember in the darkest of moments. Avoid pursuing a pragmatic relationship.

2. 

   Allow yourself to feel. You need to know that you can feel pain and sadness. Don't force yourself to do what you don't want to do. You can lie in bed all day and call sick. Don't worry if you eat too much chocolate. One of the most important things to do is try to overcome the urge to call your ex to feel better. You can do it!

3. 

   Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think. You will get past this stage, even if you don't feel that way right now. You will find yourself reminiscing about certain events and thinking about why things didn't go well. The problem is you'll probably never understand. Perhaps the reason will not be very good. But you don't have to know the cause of the breakup to get over it. You just need to pass hour by hour, day by day, week by week - go step by step.

4. 

   Get help. Don't try to fight your grief alone. You should contact friends, family, and professionals for help. Talk about your feelings and allow yourself to feel sad. Let people know that you are having a hard time, and you will feel more comfortable realizing that you are not the only one dealing with your feelings. If you are having difficulty communicating, write about your thoughts and feelings in a journal, and seek friendship from family and friends.

5. 

   Learn from what happened. After you've passed a time when you can't think through or do anything useful, you can begin to see how powerful this whole experience can be. You will also realize that even though you feel bad, you are actually getting better than before. You feel better. You have recovered a bit, then soon you will recover more.

6. 

   Take care of yourself. Once you find yourself on the path of recovery, get back into your regular routine, including doing a relaxing activity that you can enjoy (e.g. taking a walk, reading, taking a dip yourself in a soapy bath, etc.). Say "no" when necessary. Get out of the house or vice versa if you want. Get enough sleep and eat healthy. advertisement