Content

• Steps
• Advice

Revealing sex to parents can seem intimidating and difficult for many gay, lesbian, asexual and bisexual or transgender people. Your parents spend more time with you than anyone else, and coming out can mess with their perception of you. However, it is important to be honest with yourself and to be honest with your parents. Making a plan to reveal your gender will make it easier for you to handle the matter.

Steps

Part 1 of 4: Making a plan to reveal sex to parents

1. 

   Consider parental reception when receiving news. If you think your parents may have doubted your sexual orientation and they will support them, keep planning. If you think your parents will be extremely shocked, consider their reaction.
   • If you think your parents might react negatively, wait a bit longer to talk to them. Consider questions like whether your parents make statements that discriminate against homosexuals, will it hurt you if they react negatively, or whether you are financially dependent on them. If the answer to any of these thoughts is "yes", then it is better to wait until you can live independently and financially or until you feel ready with one. Strong support team.
   • Listen instinctively about whether to talk to your parents. There is a difference between feeling anxious when speaking to supportive parents and feeling apprehensive when speaking to a parent who is likely to be overreacting.
   • Remember that your parents will think they know everything about you because they raised you. If they are not in doubt, keep this in mind when considering how to speak to them.
   • Be upright if you want to know more about their reaction.

   

   
   

   Jin S. Kim, MA

   Jin Kim marriage & family therapist is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with people from the LGBTQ community, people of color, and those who have trouble reconciling intersecting gender identities. Jin received his master's degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles in 2015, with a major in LGBT Confirmation Psychology.

   

   Jin S. Kim, MA
   Marriage & Family Therapist

   Expert advice: Before revealing it to your parents, look for key factors that may affect how they react, like religion and other cultural nuances. Consider whether you are in danger of being evicted and need to make sure there are sufficient resources to support you in the event that your parents react strongly to your revelation.

   
   

2. 

   Decide how to talk to your parents. There are different ways you can do this, such as live chat or mail.
   • Consider interactions between family members when planning how to talk to them, and how you feel most comfortable communicating. Explaining things in writing will be easier for you and can give them more time to absorb the news. Conversely, maybe your family prefers to chat face to face, or maybe you express better verbally.
   • Be persistent with your decisions. This will prevent procrastination or headless talking when confessing to your parents.

3. 

   
   
   Coordinate with support resources to get through the conversation with your parents. Once you've decided how to talk to your parents, the next step is to create a support team of people who will be there for you when you need it.
   • If you have a relative, friend, teacher or counselor who already knows that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, set up a support team with them. Make sure they don't mind you when you go to see them for advice and in case your parents react negatively to hearing your gender presentation.
   • Have parents of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people act as supporters for your parents. You can send parents to a group of parents in similar situations to help them accept your sexuality. Ask other parents to be willing to meet them before you reveal your gender.
   • Make sure you are prepared for this conversation and ready to answer your parent's questions. Also, you should consider accepting treatment if prompted, as this demonstrates that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

4. 

   Find books, handbooks or websites about the LGBT community for parents. Giving them more information to help them better understand your point of view will help them through this period of loss.
   • www.facebook.com/LGBTVietNamOfficial/ Official social networking site of the Vietnamese LGBT community.
   • www.transrespect.org This is a website that summarizes the legal status, health care and social situation of transgender people in 190 countries (including Vietnam).
   • YouthResource.org
   • PFLAG community (Homosexual parents, relatives and friends)
   • Novel "Call Me By Your Name" (Call me by your name)
   • The novel "Danish Girl"
   • Brokeback Mountain Love Story
   • The book The loner
   • The book "When you look out the doorway: How did Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin contribute to society?"
   • Books recommended by the Gay-Straight Alliance Network
   • The books are recommended by UWSP University
   • Trans-Youth Family Allies website

5. 

   Research questions that you anticipate your parents might ask. Be well informed when talking to your parents to assure them that you are serious about the matter and that this is not simply a "stage" or an illness that can be "cured." Have answers to any of the following questions or comments:
   • "Are you sure?"
   • "Why did you become a gay man?"
   • "Mom / Dad heard that all gay men are infected with HIV / AIDS."
   • "Is gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender all unnatural?"
   • "Why haven't you let me know that until now?"
   • "Can I get a job?"
   • "How can I get married?"
   • "According to a parent's religion, homosexuality is wrong."
   • "What if statistics on gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender assaults?"
   • "Will you have a happy life?"
   • "So will you be different now?"
   • "Will you come out about your gender? This will make my parent feel very uncomfortable."
   • "How can you help me?"

6. 

   Have a back-up plan if the conversation goes bad and you're living with your parents. For example, if your parents don't provide financial support or kick you out of the home, you need somewhere to go and someone to help you during this time.
   • Seek help from a friend, relative, teacher or counselor with whom you have revealed your gender. Ask if they can let you stay, or can help you find a safe place to live in the event of a parent eviction. This is also an ideal place to go if you already have a home but need someone to talk to and support after being strongly opposed by your parents about your sexual orientation.
   • Take the time to save some money so you can support yourself. This means you should get a part-time job, if you are of legal working age or save some other income.
   • If you do not have your own means of transportation, find a means to get around and get to where you need to go. This means you can hitchhike from someone or family you are with, from a friend or support person or use the public transportation system in the city.
   • Find ways to thank the person or family you will be staying with during this time. You can pay them "rent" if you can afford it, or help them clean the house and do other chores to make things easier.

7. 

   Have a back-up plan if the conversation goes bad and you're on your own. You will still need help in case things don't go well.
   • Seek help from a friend, relative or a counselor who has been revealed by you and who is available to assist you. Arrange to meet one of them at their own home or in your favorite place in case the conversation goes bad with your parents.
   • If you live independently from your parents but still receive financial support from them and you think there is a chance that they will no longer support you, get a part-time or full-time job for you. can take care of themselves.
   • Think about giving your parents some time and space. Try contacting them by phone, email or in person from time to time, or waiting for them to contact you. Choose the ways that best suit your family.

8. 

   Choose an appropriate time and place to reveal your gender. There is never a "right time" to do such things, but you need to think about when to tell them.
   • Avoid revealing your gender during quarrels, family gatherings, celebrations, or family crises. This may cause your parents to think that you are revealing your sex because you are angry or want to portray a different person.
   • Find or create a moment with only you and your parents. You will not be disturbed or interrupted while speaking.
   • Make sure the disclosure is done at home rather than in public. Your parents may overreact, which will cause trouble in public. They may also think you are joking, or trying to embarrass them.
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Part 2 of 4: Choose what to say to your parents

1. 

   Think about how you want to initiate a conversation. This will probably be the most difficult part, because opening is always the most difficult step.
   • “I have something to say to my parents, because I feel like I've kept it a secret for a long time. I'm ready to talk to you and parents about this right now. ”
   • "I've had some hard things in mind for a long time."
   • “I need to talk to my parents about something important to me. It is very important that you be honest with your parents. ”

2. 

   Disclose your sex to your parents by explaining your sexual orientation. There is no right or wrong way to talk about this, so choose the one that you feel most comfortable with.
   • "I am gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender. I have realized this about myself a long time ago."
   • "I think I could be gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender. I feel attracted to people of the same sex and I don't know what to think." OR "I feel there is a mistake I think I will be more comfortable being a boy / girl, doing things that guys / girls do. "
   • “Right from when I was ___ years old, I knew I was gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender.”

3. 

   Explain your point of view in the present moment to help your parents understand. The more you can explain to your parents to understand you, the better.
   • “To me this is quite natural, like a natural feeling a parent has with the opposite sex. I'm not like that; because you are yourself. "
   • “You are still the child of the past. Now I want to show that I am gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender, because I have been hiding my identity for so long. ”
   • “You are attracted to both women and men. I reveal my gender to my parents because I feel guilty about hiding this truth, and I want to be honest about my identity. ”
   • “I want to do the actions that boys / girls do. I am attracted to these actions a lot and feel quite natural, but now they seem unnatural because I am a boy / girl. ”

4. 

   Explain to your parents why you didn't reveal your sex to them in the past. This will greatly aid in helping your parents understand you.
   • "I'm afraid that you will deny me."
   • "Our society is very stigmatized against homosexuals, and I'm afraid of how others think of me."
   • "I'm afraid this will ruin our relationship and I take our relationship very seriously."
   • "Does our religion teach that gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender is a sin and I don't know how to deal with it."
   • "I feel I have to keep it a secret because society imposes that this is wrong."

5. 

   Share with your parents what they can do to support you. There will still be others with whom you are revealed, and their support will help you do that.
   • "I would love it if you take the time to learn more about what it means to be gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender."
   • “I'd be happy if you allowed me to talk to you more about my friends and how important they are to me. When parents feel ready, it would be great if they met them. ”
   • “I have this book for you to read so you can understand more. It will answer all your questions, so I hope you will read. ”
   • “I found a list of websites that you can visit to get more information. It would really make sense if you take the time to do it. ”
   • “There is a support team for LGBT individuals and their families. You have information about the meeting times, so we can come when you feel ready. ”
   • "I want you to tell me what I can do to support them, because I want to do it for you too."
   • “I want my parents to stand with me and the LGBT community when I hear we are attacked. Our community will become stronger as we have more allies. "
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Part 3 of 4: Disclosing sex with parents

1. 

   Disclose gender to parents according to the prepared plan. Follow a route plan so you can chat or mail them.
   • Be willing to answer their questions
   • Provide your own books, manuals and other materials so they can learn more.
   • Remember to switch to a backup plan if things don't go well.

2. 

   Be clear in deciding to disclose your gender to your parents and in your own perception that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. A firm stance in your self-awareness will help your parents to lessen their confusion.
   • Show your parents the certainty of your sexuality and make sense by taking a stand.
   • Share why you reveal to your parents what you want to be honest with them and strengthen your relationship with them.

3. 

   Understand that your parents will go through similar emotional episodes as if they've suffered a loss. This will be the path to their approval, but keep in mind that some parents may skip some stages and some parents may never really accept it. It will be a particularly challenging time for them to go through the first few stages.
   • Shock
   • Negate
   • Guilt
   • Express your feelings
   • Make your own decisions
   • Honestly accepted

4. 

   Keep calm when you talk to them. Parents will see your maturity and seriousness in this conversation.
   • Remember to avoid anger and turn the conversation into an argument.
   • Take time to explain to them. At this point, your role can be reversed for your parents as they need to do some research to understand your gender identity. You may find you need to teach and guide them to accept this.
   • Answer their questions to the best of your ability, and when you can't answer a question, show them a resource so they can find the answer.
   • Avoid getting upset, upset, or angry if they seem slow to understand what's going on. They need time to adapt.

5. 

   Reassure your parents that you love them and that you are doing this to improve your relationship with them. Reassuring helps maintain a strong relationship with parents.
   • It can be helpful to reassure your parents that you love and accept yourself. They will want to see you truly happy.
   • Remind your parents that you are in good health. Perhaps they will quickly accept when reassured by this thought.
   • Be a fulcrum for parents during this time. The act of showing great love for your parents and wanting to help them through this stage of understanding is to support them. Do whatever you can to help them learn and understand why you are revealing your gender and understand more about the LGBT community.
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Part 4 of 4: Continued support after sex disclosure

1. 

   Remember that this will take their time. It won't be as simple as getting back to your "normal" life right after a conversation.
   • Remind yourself of the stages your parents go through in the process of accepting your gender revelation.
   • Consider the emotions a parent might experience when faced with your sexual disclosure: guilt, self-blame, fear, confusion, distrust, rejection. Your parents will most likely blame themselves and think they raised you the wrong way. For them, this will be a challenging time.
   • Either parent can accept faster than the other. Even though you think of your parents as an independent individual, remember that they are individuals who handle things differently and have distinct personalities.

2. 

   Accept your parents' feelings. When your parents are confronted with your gender revelation, it's important that you accept all of their feelings.
   • It's strong even when a parent expresses anger, pain, or sadness. Over time, they will master their emotions and begin to think more rationally about revealing your gender.
   • Avoid creating negative feelings for your parents. That is, you should avoid getting angry when you reveal your sex to them, you should avoid creating negative feelings for your parents when they are trying to accept this. Being angry or hostile towards them will slow down the acceptance process.

3. 

   Encourage parents to "disclose" to others. Part of the parental acceptance process may include sharing this information with close family members or close friends.
   • Lead parents to parents who have gone through the acceptance of their child's gender status for support.
   • Encourage them to look for support systems such as PFLAG (gay parents, relatives and friends).
   • Have a supportive relative, become a bridge for you and your parents. Parents will have a few more intimate and trustworthy people to talk about about coming out of your gender.

4. 

   Learn to accept no matter how long your parents accept the truth. Not all parents can truly acknowledge that their son or daughter is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, and you will need to learn to respect that as well. how to interact with a parent in this case.
   • If your parents are ready to learn more, take the time to introduce them to gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender friends. This can help them cope with personal prejudices.
   • If your parents don't want to talk about this, then you should be cautious when talking with them about your sexual orientation. They may need more time to accept, so don't put pressure on.
   • If either parent does not want to accept this, contact the support team for help on how to resolve the problem. A parent can agree and continue to support and have a positive outlook.
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Advice

• There is no right or wrong way to disclose it to parents. Do the things that make you feel most comfortable for yourself and your family.
• Be ready for adverse reactions.
• Have confidence in yourself that you can do this and make it through.
• There is always an outside support team, one person or a group of people you can ask for advice and comfort.
• Make sure your parents know about the people you have revealed so that they don't accidentally tell someone you are not ready to reveal about your gender.