Content

• Steps
• Advice
• Warning

Dealing with an unfaithful spouse is probably one of the hardest things to do. How to settle things smoothly, perhaps there is no suitable answer to this question. All you can do is talk to your spouse, listen to yourself and decide whether to save the relationship or not. If you decide to handle the problem properly, you have to deal with each one and remember to take care of yourself.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Knowing what not to do

1. 

   Don't blame yourself. There is not always a clear reason for your spouse's cheating, and you naturally tend to blame yourself. Maybe you think you've become distant, or that you're not really open to being married.Perhaps you were too focused on your work and not spending enough time with your partner. However, these may be reasons for your relationship to be strengthened further, but know that nothing you do will cause your spouse to cheat, and you should not blame. tell yourself about their mistakes.
   • Yes, you must be at fault of some degree and admit this. But never assume that your own fault is the cause of your spouse's cheating.
   • If you focus too much on blaming yourself, you will accidentally let the other person out of responsibility. So you also have to focus on their behavior.

2. 

   
   
   Don't think much about the third person. If you want yourself to go crazy, ask a million questions about that man or woman, spend hours following their Facebook, or even follow to catch this person in real life. You often think that finding out everything about them can help you realize what's wrong with your relationship, but in reality it doesn't give you any answers, even if it hurts you more. .
   • When a spouse cheats on, a third person is rarely the cause of the problem. Unless your spouse thinks she / he is indeed in a meaningful relationship with a third person, in most other cases adultery is the traitor's way of dissatisfied with yourself or with your marriage. If you focus too much on the third person, you will not be able to think about your spouse or your relationship.
   • While knowing a few things about that sneaky affair may be more comfortable for you, you shouldn't know too much about them, like how they look, what they do, or any other information. can distract you or feel bad about yourself. It's just not worth it.

3. 

   
   
   Don't try to find a good reason for the problem. You often feel that you can move forward if you find a reasonable explanation for your spouse's cheating, such as your husband has been feeling down since he lost his job, or a third person regularly sees. leaving your wife so she can't control it, there is no point in rationalizing the nonsense. Admit that you are hurt and need to find a way to move on with your life, but don't think that giving a spouse cheating excuse is the way to do it.
   • What makes them decide to cheat on you can be very absurd. So you don't need to spend too much time figuring out the perfect reason for their betrayal, instead find a way to continue with your life.

4. 

   
   
   Don't tell the world. Perhaps you are deeply hurt and very angry, you want to tell all your family and friends, or even post it on social media to relieve your feelings. However, if there is a situation where you want to reconcile and settle things well, then you will face the different outlooks they have for your spouse and your marriage throughout. rest of his life. Instead of telling people, you should only talk to loved ones that can help you think deeply.
   • After telling everyone about your problem, you may feel good at first, but then with pain and regret. You may not realize that you are not ready to accept people's advice or judgment.
   • If you want to let a close friend know about your spouse's infidelity, be sure to do it with caution when you're not sure what you want to do. If your friends think you have to give up the traitor, they will tell you a thousand things they dislike about her / him, and that doesn't really make you feel better, later on. It can be intimidating if you choose to stay married.

5. 

   Don't be obsessed with what friends or family think. As well as not telling people what happened, don't worry about what people think about it. While people close to you can give you helpful advice, in the end, it's crucial to find out what's best for you, and you shouldn't worry about their thoughts if you decide to give up or keep. This marriage again. After all, it doesn't matter what people think, and you shouldn't let their judgments overshadow your ability to make decisions.
   • Communicating with people close to you will certainly help strengthen you, as well as a new perspective on your situation. In the end, getting their opinion can never be a substitute for your own opinion.

6. 

   Don't take big steps before thinking hard. There are times when you may think that you have to gather things or kick a traitor out of your house as soon as you learn of their deception, but you need to think more about it. Sure, you can avoid seeing your spouse for a while, but don't say you want a divorce or take drastic measures right away. Take time to think about what happened, what's best for you and your marriage, instead of doing things that you might regret later.
   • It can be a good thing to immediately decide not to see each other for a while, but don't say you want to get a divorce as soon as you get the news; even if that's what you really want in your heart, wait until your mind clears up before you make a definitive decision.

7. 

   Don't punish your spouse. Maybe you feel better about treating them cruelly, taking things they love, or even cheating for revenge, but this kind of behavior doesn't do you much good, nor does it improve. get relationship. Even though you are hurt, just treat them coldly and keep your spouse apart for a while, and you shouldn't intentionally make them feel miserable, or both will suffer.
   • Punishing your spouse will only make you feel more bitter, and the relationship will eventually end up in a dead end. You may avoid seeing them for a while, treating them more coldly and further than usual, but intentionally being cruel won't solve the problem.
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Part 2 of 3: Taking the first steps

1. 

   Make your request. Think slowly about what you want from your spouse before starting your conversation. Don't start talking right away about their cheating and crying and making a fuss. Instead, take time to make a plan so your spouse knows what to expect from them if they want to stay in the relationship. The plan is not to punish, but to move you two forward.
   • Let your partner know what they need to do for you to continue the marriage. This could be going to see a mediator together or each person walking alone, taking steady steps to rediscover the things you love to do together, spend time talking every night, or sleep separately until you feel comfortable sharing a room.
   • If you are planning to get a divorce, you should hire a lawyer as soon as possible. The earlier you do this, the better will be your bargaining position.

2. 

   Give yourself time. Whether you feel ready to forgive your spouse or get things back to normal, it will take time to regain trust and affection for them. Even though you are both determined to make peace, it takes a long time for you to feel “normal” again because you cannot communicate well, and for you to feel love for the person you married. This is completely natural. You can get in trouble if you try to push things too quickly.
   • You won't be able to forgive them or feel like everything is back to normal overnight. It may take months or even years for you to rebuild your trust.
   • You also have to take the problem slowly. It may take days for you to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with your spouse, going to dinner with them or doing things you enjoy doing together. Be prepared for that.

3. 

   Speak out how you feel. Let your spouse know how you feel. Let her / him know your anger, hurt, betrayal, and pain you've been experiencing. Don't hide it and act like there's no big deal; Let her / him see your pain and feelings.If you are not being honest and open about what you are going through, you will not be able to move forward together. Even though you may feel shy or afraid to reveal your feelings, you really should.
   • If you are nervous about facing your spouse or afraid of not being able to say everything you want to say, write down what you want to share. That way you won't get lost and forget what's important to say.
   • If you are too emotional to talk about what happened, wait a few days or so to be able to talk honestly and comfortably about it. Of course, a conversation can never be completely pleasant, but take some time to regain your balance if needed. You should say that, but you should not delay the talk for too long.

4. 

   Ask the questions you want answered. Perhaps you want to be clear about what your spouse did. If you want to put the whole story together, ask how many times they cheated, when and how it happened, or even ask about your spouse's feelings towards the second person. father. However, if you want the chance to mend your relationship, think twice before asking for information that is probably better than you shouldn't know.
   • Asking questions helps you to better visualize the situation of your marriage. However, you should avoid questions just to satisfy your curiosity, as the answers can hurt you badly.

5. 

   Get tested. This is quite subtle, but you should get tested as soon as you find out your spouse is having an affair. You cannot know what a third person has, and do not know if you have been infected with it. While your spouse asserts this is not necessary, what you need to do is to make sure you are both safe.
   • Through this, they will also understand the seriousness of their actions. The fact that they sleep with others while they are also puts you at risk, and it's important for them to admit it.

6. 

   Listen to your spouse. At this point you are hurt, betrayed, angry and have a lot of emotions that you want to release, but you still have to sit and listen to your spouse. Listening to them at this point is difficult, but if you want to understand the point of bringing the relationship forward, you have to hear their side of the story. You will probably know what emotions or frustrations they are experiencing, but you may not have noticed before.
   • It is not fair to assume that she / he has no right to speak his mind, or has no feelings in all of this. Even though you are not ready to deal with their feelings, you have to let her / him talk about their feelings if you want you both to move forward.

7. 

   Improve daily communication. After you have started talking about cheating, you can try to improve your lines of communication. Remember to be open and honest, talk often and avoid passive aggression as much as possible. This seems impossible after what they have done, but you still have to maintain good communication if you want the situation to improve.
   • When you are ready, make a conscious effort to meet each other every day, set aside all distractions, and discuss the state of the relationship. If you find this tiring and only evoke old feelings, talk more about the present and the future, avoiding mentioning the past.
   • It is important that you both watch each other to know each other's feelings. This is a time to be cautious and you two must focus on your relationship. If you don't communicate well, it will be difficult for the relationship to work.
   • Try to express your feelings with the subject of "the speaker" such as "I feel sad when you don't greet me after coming home from work", instead of using the subject "listener" like " I never pay attention to you when I come home from work ”, because that way of saying gives a sense of accusation.

8. 

   Determine if you want to resolve the issue properly. Of course, after you start talking about adultery, you have to make an important decision: do you think you will forgive your spouse and rebuild the relationship, or you just think that there is no muscle left? any association for this? It's important to be honest with yourself and think about whether it's worth saving the relationship. The most important thing is that you need time and space to be able to think carefully and avoid making any hasty decisions.
   • After spending enough time thinking, if you have talked to them, expressed your feelings, and heard their stories, then you can decide whether to save your marriage.
   • If you decide to forgive them, you have to work hard. If you think the relationship is irreversible, then it's time to go through the divorce proceedings. With this decision you should consider the laws of your country and / or state - the laws can be very different depending on where you live.
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Part 3 of 3: Relationship rebuild

1. 

   Do what's best for you. There are no documents or anyone who can tell you what decision is best for you or for your family. If you have young children, this decision becomes even more complicated. Even if you think there is only one correct answer, in the end you will have to be honest with yourself and do what your heart tells you. It may take a long time to figure out the truth, but the most important thing is to admit that no one can force you to do anything or how to feel - your spouse, much less.
   • This thought frightens you, as it is likely that you will need a long time to find your answer. But if your mind is telling something, then you better listen.

2. 

   Choose to forgive. Remember that forgiveness is really an option you should consider, that is not beyond your means. If you are willing to forgive them, or even if you must try to forgive, make a definitive decision to do so. Not just say forgiveness, but the two of you need to work for it. The first step is to acknowledge that you are trying to heal the relationship.
   • Be honest with your spouse about this. Don't be ambiguous about whether or not you will accept forgiveness. Let them know you really want to rebuild your relationship.

3. 

   Spend time together without being affected by adultery. If you want to rebuild your relationship, both of you should spend quality time together without mentioning about your spouse's cheating. Try to do things you would normally do together, and avoid going to places that remind you of their cheating. Make an effort to start over, ensure the relationship has a strong foundation through daily activities and avoid pushing the relationship too quickly.
   • You can explore a new activity together, like hiking or cooking. This helps you to have a new perspective in married life. However, make sure that the other person is not suffering or trying too hard to participate in the activity.

4. 

   Take care of yourself. When dealing with an cheating spouse, it feels like taking care of yourself is just the last priority. Perhaps your mind is filled with complex emotions so you cannot think about things like eating three meals a day, sunbathing or getting enough rest. However, if you want to stay healthy during these difficult times to have the energy to heal your relationship, then that's exactly what you have to do. Here's what you need to maintain:
   • Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep each night. If you cannot sleep because you are uncomfortable lying next to your spouse, don't hesitate to discuss a different sleeping position.
   • Try to eat three healthy meals a day. While you are more prone to being tempted by unhealthy foods from stress, like foods high in sugar, you should try to maintain a healthy diet to keep you mentally refreshed. High-fat foods can make you feel lethargic.
   • Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. This time is good mentally and physically, when you can be alone and not think about your spouse's cheating.
   • Write diary. Try to journal at least a few times a week to connect with your thoughts.
   • Don't isolate yourself.Spend more time with friends and family feeling like you still care.

5. 

   Seek advice. Not everyone wants to see a counselor, but you and your spouse should give it a try if you want to heal the relationship. This may seem too embarrassing or too much for you to bear, but it is really the best way to create a safe and comfortable space when you are sharing your feelings. Find a trusted counselor and do your best in mediations.
   • If this is important to you, make it clear to your spouse that it is imperative to see a counselor. Since they have violated your trust, they will do this for you.

6. 

   Reassure your children. If you have children, it can be more complicated to deal with an cheating spouse. Your children often feel tension in the family, it's best to be honest and tell them the truth that you and your spouse are having problems. You don't have to go into too much detail, say that you've always loved them, and you're doing your best to fix the problem.
   • If you plan to end the marriage, do not let them take advantage of your children to convince you to continue with the relationship. They may argue that children will be happier if they have all their parents at home, which is not true if parents are always arguing or no longer care about each other.
   • Spend time with your children, even when you are busy dealing with this difficult situation. Being with your children can also help you become stronger.

7. 

   Know when to end a relationship. If you have done your best to heal the relationship but still cannot forgive your spouse or see no improvement, then it is time to end the relationship. Don't get angry at yourself for not forgiving them, even if they try hard to regain faith in you, for there are simply things that we cannot forgive. If you feel like you can't continue the relationship after all the healing efforts, then it's time to make a decision to move on with your life.
   • Don't get mad at yourself if you feel like you can't forgive them. You tried but your spouse was the one who violated your trust first.
   • If you can go on with your life without them, don't be ashamed of "giving up". You have made the best choice for your relationship and family, and no one can judge that decision.
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Advice

• From time to time you can look at your spouse's phone and pick out an unknown number or two, then call those numbers with another phone number to see who answers.
• It is very likely that the number of a third person will not be in the contact list, so that you cannot know whose number it is.

Warning

• Don't act jealous so that they think you are following any information, or assume that you are speculating out of the ordinary. You should ask straight questions at first.
• When you talk to them, don't show yourself as curious, as the story will be diverted and you won't be able to find out the truth.