Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Dealing with unavoidable interactions
• Part 2 of 3: Setting healthy boundaries
• Part 3 of 3: Processing your feelings of hate

Do you have a family member that annoys you terribly? While it is not possible to choose your family or the people who make up it, you can choose how you want to respond and deal with difficult situations within your family. You probably cannot completely withdraw from family relationships, and you may even have a wonderful relationship with all other family members except this one. There are ways to resolve situations with your family in a calmer way so that family relationships are less tense and more fun.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Dealing with unavoidable interactions

1. Think about how you want to behave. Before you spend time with this family member, take a moment to decide how you want to behave. Maybe you and this family member have argued more than once in the past. Ask yourself what caused these arguments and if there is some way to avoid disagreement this time.
   • You may be proud of being an atheist, but your aunt may honestly believe that you are going to hell as an atheist. It is probably best not to talk about religion around your aunt.
2. Wait before you say anything. Especially if you have strong negative feelings towards someone, it is better not to react too quickly or speak without thinking. Take a deep breath before speaking. If you find yourself having a hard time keeping negative comments to yourself, politely excuse yourself.
   • Say something like, "I'm going to go to the bathroom" or "I'm going to see if I can help in the kitchen."
3. Get help. If you find yourself having a hard time dealing with a family member, let someone in your family (such as your partner or a sibling) know that you want to minimize contact with that person. That way, if a conversation threatens to turn into a discussion or argument and you want to leave, you can send a distress signal.
   • You can arrange a sign in advance if you need to be rescued during a family affair. For example, you can make eye contact and arrange a hand signal that means something like, "Help me get out of this situation!"
4. Have fun. You don't have to dread going to a family event because of a family member. Focus on having a good time with family that you can get along with and do fun things. Even though the family member you hate is in the same room, focus on different things. While talking to this family member, find something distracting to help you get through that moment (such as playing with the dog).
   • If you are afraid of having to sit next to that relative at mealtimes, suggest making name tags and sitting far away from them.
5. Keep the family member entertained. One way to deal with a troublesome family member is to assign that person a task at family gatherings. If a meal needs to be made, ask that person to cut onions or set the table, and let him or her do it in their own specific way. That way, the family member will feel like they are contributing and will be out of the picture for a while.
   • Look for ways to let this relative participate but keep them busy at the same time.
6. Use humor. Especially when the situation is tense or uncomfortable, you can use humor to defuse difficult behavior and make the situation a bit lighter. Make a loose comment indicating that you do not take yourself or the situation too seriously.
   • If your grandma keeps telling you to put on a sweater, say, "I'll get a sweater for the cat too, soon it will get cold too!"
7. Have an emergency plan. If you dread conversations with this family member, make sure you go to the event complete with emergency plan, indicating why you need to leave right now. You can have a friend call you (or you call a friend) about a “crisis situation,” or tell you that the house alarm has gone off, or that your pet has become ill. Whatever seems credible to you, arm yourself with it as a possible excuse should you feel uncomfortable or angry with the family member.

Part 2 of 3: Setting healthy boundaries

1. Avoid repetitive heated conversations. If your uncle loves talking about politics but you'd rather not talk about it, don't start the conversation. Do your best not to involve politics in this family setting. Even if your uncle comes up with it and tries to drag you in, you decide how you react. This includes rival sports teams, universities or rivalries between cousins.
   • Say, “We can agree that we disagree and leave it at that” or “I'd rather not talk about that right now and would like to make this family gathering fun, without dragging in this discussion again. "
2. Choose your battles with care. Your cousin may say something that really offends you and you may want to respond or correct him immediately. Then take a deep breath and decide whether or not it's worth going into it or not. If your grandfather says something offensive, ask yourself your comment will change his premise, or if it will just result in an altercation.
   • Sometimes it is better to bite your lip and say, "Everyone is entitled to his opinion."
3. Resolve conflicts. If you can't stand a relative because of a conflict, see if you can resolve the conflict between the two of you. You may need to find time to sit quietly, be honest with each other, and clear the sky. Be kind, compassionate, and not offensive when approaching the family member.
   • The sooner you resolve conflicts, the less resentment will build up.
   • Be open to forgive. You don't have to ignore the situation or pretend it didn't happen, but learn to forgive so that you can let go of the pain from the hurt feeling from within.
4. Say "no". If you have a relative who wants things from you (money, free labor, a place to stay, etc.), don't be afraid to say no. Don't forget that you have the right to say “no”. If you want to consider things before you say "yes," then you have the right to wait and think things over before agreeing to anything.
   • You don't have to justify your response or make an excuse. Just say, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that." You don't owe anyone an explanation.
5. Avoid passive aggressive manipulation. Perhaps your problems with the family member are a result of certain passive aggressive comments made by that person, comparing you to other grandchildren or nieces and nephews (“Jason went to college, but you did a great job in college”). You may even feel manipulated by the family member's passive aggressive comments or actions. If the family member is passive aggressive towards you, distance yourself as much as possible and don't associate with that person too much; remember that it is not about you and it is not personal.
   • If you feel like you are being manipulated, find an escape plan to end the conversation (“I'm going to see if I can help out in the kitchen” or “I'm going to play with my cousins, haven't seen them for so long! ”). Do not continue the conversation.
6. Stick to family rules. If it is difficult to adhere to your own family rules towards family, let them know clearly that family rules apply at all times. If you are uncomfortable with how a family member treats your child (such as bossing the child or feeding the child that is unhealthy), let the family member know that the behavior is against family rules and that family rules apply at home and away from home.
   • Be clear and business-like when discussing this with the family member. Say, "Allison is not allowed to play that game at home and therefore not here."
7. Deal with delicate situations. If a family member has done something unforgivable, set boundaries necessary to feel safe. Whether this means not inviting this person to family parties, avoiding them completely, or letting the family know that the relationship is ending is up to you. Focus on feeling safe and not punishing the family member.
   • Use common sense when explaining the situation to other family members. Keep in mind that while the situation is unforgivable to you, the rest of the family may not feel the same and stay in touch with the family member.
   • While you want to keep your distance from the family member for your own safety, remember that estrangement can be extremely hurtful to you and your family members.

Part 3 of 3: Processing your feelings of hate

1. Take care of yourself. If you know you have to spend a day with a relative you hate, be prepared to face off as well as you can. If this person brings out an aggressive or irritable side of you, get a good night's sleep the night before. If you feel tired and cranky at the family Christmas party, leave early. And make sure you have eaten beforehand: if your blood sugar level is stable, you are less likely to get angry or aggressive.
2. Remember, it has nothing to do with you. If someone puts you down, puts you down, or says mean things to you, it's important to realize that this is more a reflection of who that person is than yours. Stay steadfast and don't forget who you are. Do your best not to pay attention to the words (and remind yourself), “This is not about me. This is a projection of my aunt. ”
   • People can often be mean because they are dealing with their own problems that they are facing. This can happen when people have low self-esteem, get angry easily or suffer from stress.
   • Other people can act that way and actually believe it's okay and normal. This can be caused by a number of factors, but an example could be that someone is a person who allows their competitive and ruthless business style to seep into their personal life.
   • Some individuals simply do not have the biological tools necessary to feel empathy. This can be due to genetic differences or to a person's upbringing (eg: the environment in which someone was raised).
3. Realize that you cannot change this person. There is probably nothing you can do to change the person you can't get along with. Maybe you have a fantasy about a happy family spending the holidays together every year, and then when the family members come over, that fantasy is crushed.It is up to you to let go of this fantasy and accept that this is the family you have, and that fantasy is nothing more than a happy and fun thought that, however, is not based on reality.
4. Accept the family member. Instead of approaching this family member with a lot of criticism and disgust, try to accept that person and be empathetic. Listen when the family member talks and try to understand this person's point of view.
   • Be loving and show compassion. Take a deep breath and look at the family member. Then think, “I look at you and see that you are experiencing distress and pain. I do not understand your pain, but see that it is there and accept that it is affecting me at the moment. ”
5. Look for reasons to be grateful. While you may hate family gatherings, especially since you hate spending time with difficult relatives, no doubt you can still find something you can look forward to, or be grateful for. are about meeting your family. You might enjoy seeing your cousins ​​again, or whether you can start cooking (or don't have to cook).
   • Look for things you are grateful for before going to the party. That way you can enter the situation with a feeling of gratitude.
6. See a therapist. If you are finding it difficult to move beyond the pain and distress the family member has caused, therapy can be helpful for you. A therapist can help you process your feelings, find coping techniques, see things from a different perspective, and help you process feelings of depression, anxiety, or other diagnoses.
   • You may also want to consider family therapy if you would like to go into therapy with the family member. While this can be difficult, it may help you tackle difficult topics and then discuss them with the family member.