Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 3: Recognize your behavior
• Method 2 of 3: Change your approach to conversations
• Method 3 of 3: Using specific talking tools
• Tips

People talk about themselves about 30-40% of the time. That is a lot. Studies have shown that self-talk is strongly linked to increased activity in the mesolimbic dopamine circuit, the same part of the brain that experiences pleasure through things like food, sex, and money. The good news is that knowing how the brain works and reacts is half the battle. Once you know why, you can master the how.

To step

Method 1 of 3: Recognize your behavior

1. Watch your vocabulary. If you use the words me, me, and me in your conversation, you may not have any conversation at all. Maybe you are only talking about yourself. Actively pay attention to this when you are talking to other people. After all, the only way to stop behavior is to recognize it.
   • An exception are statements such as, "I agree," or "I understand what you mean," or "I would suggest approaching the matter this way." Using "me" statements shows that you are interested and know that conversations are two-way.
   • A great way to remember this is to put on a rubber wristband. Anytime you find yourself using these words, pull the rubber band. This can hurt a bit, but it is a proven psychological method.
   • Start practicing these steps during conversations with friends. Ask them to tell you when you missed a step, as friends will always be the most supportive.
2. Notice whose story it is. If someone tells you a story about something that happened to them, remember that this is their story, not yours. Don't forget that he shares something with you that is important to him.
3. Resist the urge to shift the focus to you. This transition to the next stage is natural. After learning not to use "me," "me," and "my," but replace it with "you" and "your," it is just plain to work on shifts in your conversations. It's easy to fall into the trap of turning your attention back to yourself.
   • If your friend tells you about her new SUV and that it makes her feel safe, don't immediately start talking about how much you prefer a more elegant mode of transport and then start talking about your own Mercedes.
   • Try something like, "That's interesting. I prefer the safety, style and elegance of a sedan. Do you think an SUV is safer than a sedan?" This shows that you are interested and curious about your girlfriend's opinion.
4. Keep references to yourself concise. Sometimes during a conversation it is impossible not to talk about yourself. This is completely natural, but you are not supposed to talk about yourself 100% of the time, although it is important to listen 100% of the time. When this happens, you can steer the direction of the conversation away from yourself and put your conversation partner back in the center.
   • For example, if your girlfriend asks you what kind of car you have, you could say something like, "I have a hybrid. It saves you on fuel costs and there are other benefits, such as discounts and no parking fees. thought to buy such a car? "
   • This way of responding ensures that you briefly talk about yourself, after which the attention is immediately returned to your girlfriend. That way, you've made your girlfriend the gatekeeper of the conversation.
5. Look for constructive ways to get your thoughts and opinions heard. It is important to learn to listen well and actively, but you will also have to put your own thoughts and opinions into words. If you want to talk about yourself less often, try things like keeping a diary, open microphone events, and submitting essays or reports as an opportunity to do so. This also encourages you to be more aware of what you are saying, rather than just talking to just say something.

Method 2 of 3: Change your approach to conversations

1. Focus on collaboration rather than competition. A conversation should not be a competition to determine who can talk about themselves, or who can speak most of the time. Think of it this way: In childhood you took turns playing with toys or games. A conversation is the same. When it's your girlfriend's turn, let her do the talking. You will get your chance, because a conversation is two-way, but give your girlfriend the opportunity to talk about herself and give her your full attention.
   • Don't approach it as if you're trying to convince the other person that your idea of ​​seeing / acting is the only right thing to do. Rather, try to learn and grow from what the other person is saying.
   • Don't manipulate the conversation in such a way that it serves your own agenda or overwhelms your conversation partner.
   • Consider the following approach: You belong to the same team, looking for an answer. Conversations about sports, for example, are much more fun if you complement each other instead of opposing each other.
2. See what you can learn. There's an old saying that goes, "You can't learn anything new when you talk." You already know your own point of view. In order to broaden, change or confirm that angle, you will have to let others put forward their points of view.
   • For example, if you are discussing what will be ordered in the restaurant: "I would rather order tapas than a starter, because then I get a taste of everything the cook has to offer. What do you prefer?" (Then have the other respond) "That's interesting; why do you think this is so?"
   • Of course, your response will depend on what the other person is saying, but you can continue to probe the other person's reasoning so that you get a thorough understanding of why he / she thinks, feels, or believes the way he / she does.
3. Ask questions that delve deeper into a topic. You cannot start talking about yourself if you ask well-thought-out questions. It requires the other person to be the center of attention. This takes the idea, "watch what you can learn, not what you can say," to a whole new level.
   • Not only does this ensure that your conversation partner is the center of attention, but also enables them to delve deeper into their knowledge / feelings / beliefs, which in turn strengthen the bond.
   • Be present in the moment and listen when the other person answers your question. This will always lead to a mindset where more questions can arise, resulting in a very positive experience for all involved.
4. Show what the world looks like through your own eyes. This may come across as the exact opposite of what you are trying to learn, but there is a difference between talking about yourself and your worldview.
   • First, express your views, such as, "I view the two-party system as limiting choice and making it more difficult for alternative voices and ideas to play a role in the American political system." Follow this with something like, "How do you think this works in our government?"
   • Once you have established your own unique point of view, use what you have learned in your conversation so far to get your conversation partner to elaborate on their point of view. Then examine their point of view by asking questions with the aim of learning more. This is the way to exchange ideas at a higher level.

Method 3 of 3: Using specific talking tools

1. Give the other your appreciation. Think of it like a credit card. How happy would your conversation partner be if you gave him money for his advice or opinion? He would probably be quite happy with himself. But he'll feel just as good if you give him the appreciation he deserves.
   • Thank the other person for their recommendations or advice. If your friend recommends you a restaurant, tell the people around you, "X suggested going here. Isn't that great?"
   • Always only give your appreciation for success when it is appropriate. If you've completed a work project well, you can say something like, "I have a great team to work with; it wouldn't have worked without it."
2. Compliment other people. It takes humility and the ability to recognize the strengths of others to do this. That way your conversation partners become more interested and they get a good feeling from the conversation with you, because the other person knows that you also have something good to say about him or her. Some examples of compliments are:
   • "Doesn't Gina look great in that dress? Great.And it pales completely against her wit! "
   • "I think Evelyn's ideas about global warming are very insightful and run through possible solutions. Why don't we talk to her for a minute? I think you'll find her particularly fascinating."
3. Learn the art of listening. Listen, and then really listen, is an art. It requires you to let go of your own thoughts and yourself for a moment and focus fully on what the other person is saying. This effort allows you to actually eliminate yourself. Your need to talk about yourself diminishes and then disappears completely.
   • Make an agreement with yourself that you will not say anything until your conversation partner asks you to respond to something. Then make another appointment with yourself: you immediately make sure that you bounce the ball back to the other, and you continue to listen.
4. Use active listening techniques. This involves concentrating fully on what the other person is saying, and requires you to respond to the speaker by paraphrasing or repeating their main point (s).
   • You can also add something yourself when you are done paraphrasing by using certain words: what does that mean; So; that requires; so you want; etc., after which you indicate what you think will happen next.
   • Nonverbal cues such as nodding your head, smiling, and other physical or facial expressions let the other person know that you are listening with interest and thinking about the things he or she is saying.
5. Ask questions. Additional questions that give your conversation partner more time to talk about their topic are also essential and come in several forms, including:
   • Closed questions. These are often “yes or no” questions. These are answered in one way or the other, after which no more questions follow.
   • Open questions. These give your conversation partner enough space to elaborate on what he or she has already discussed, making your knowledge or the subject of the other person more complete. These questions often start with words like, "how do you view ..." or "what / why do you think ..."
6. Confirm what your conversation partner is saying. This depends on the situation and the topic you have been discussing. Think of it as a personal or more general validation.
   • • You (Personally): "Wow, it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself so openly and admit things like that."
     • You (General): "That's one of the most insightful analyzes of the case I've ever come across."

Tips

• The key to not talking about yourself is empathy. You will need to know how other people react to what you say.
• Count the number of times you use "me" in a conversation. You will notice to what extent it is a problem, after which you can try to reduce it.