Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Make a plan
• Part 2 of 3: Having the conversation
• Part 3 of 3: Following up on the conversation
• Tips

Coming out to your mom can be very stressful, and it's normal to be nervous about how she might react. Prepare in advance and plan for when you want to have the conversation and what you will say to her. Give her time to process her emotions and ask questions. It can be tricky, but hopefully this conversation will help you understand each other better. Be proud of yourself for doing something brave and being honest about who you are, even if she doesn't understand you right away.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Make a plan

1. Choose a quiet and peaceful place to have the conversation. Choose a place where you won't be disturbed and you don't have to worry about others around you. Instead of a café or restaurant, the living room or kitchen table may be more suitable for open conversation.
   • You can also ask your mom to take you for a walk. Go somewhere quiet and peaceful, rather than a busy walkway or street.
   • If you want to talk to your mom at home, but you have siblings, or another parent you don't want to be with, try to find a time when everyone is out of the house. You can also tell your mom that you only want to talk to her so that she can help you find the right time.
2. Write down what you want to say so you don't forget. If you're nervous, write a letter to your mom - when it's time for the conversation, you can use the letter. Or, write down the most important things you want to say point by point. You are probably nervous at the moment, which can make you forget things quickly.
   • For example, you might want to talk about when you found out you were gay, what it was like for you, and why you decided to share it with your mom now.
   • If you live in a household that disapproves of homosexuality, you may be able to tell your mother that you were born this way and that it is part of who you are, rather than that you chose it.
   • You can end the letter or list with a wish for your relationship with your mother. For example, you may hope that you can have an open relationship and that she accepts you for who you are. Maybe you hope she helps you tell your other parent. This is entirely up to you, and the relationship you have with your mother, so take some time to think about this.
3. If you're concerned about your mother's reaction, make your safety a priority. If you're worried she might turn violent when you tell her you're gay, you need to have a plan. In situations like this, it may be better to talk to her in a public place. It may also be wise to have someone else with you for emotional support.
   • At the very least, have an escape plan so that if she gets verbally or physically violent, you can go somewhere.

   Warning: If you feel like you could be injured or kicked out of the house, this may not be the time to talk to your mom. In some cases, it is wise to wait until you are financially independent and can live alone before coming out to your mother. Talk to a professional about your home situation if you have any concerns.

   
   
4. Talk to a care counselor or professional in advance. If there are people in your life who already know that you are gay, ask them for their support. Coming out can be daunting, including for your mother. Talk to them about your fears, ask them for advice, and lean on them if you are concerned.
   • If your mom is the first person you go to, this may not be possible. But even so, you can still talk to a counselor or therapist ahead of time to get support.
5. Tell your mom that you are with her about something important want to talk. Rather than surprise your mom with this big conversation, tell her ahead of time that you want to talk. You can do this on the morning of the day you want to tell her, or you can tell her a few days in advance. Realize that once you've said this to her, she probably won't want to wait very long to have the conversation.
   • Try saying something like, "Mom, I have something I want to talk to you about. Can we talk to the two of us this afternoon? "
   • You could also say, "There is something I want to share with you, but I want it to stay between the two of us. When can we talk? "
   • When she asks what the conversation is about, say, "It's about me, but I'd rather wait until we can sit down and talk more about it."

Part 2 of 3: Having the conversation

1. Be honest about your journey to self-discovery. If you've taken notes or written a letter, keep it with you. Do your best to focus on your personal feelings and experiences. If your mom tries to interrupt you, say quietly, "I know you have a lot of emotions and questions, but I have to say this."
   • It's okay if you get emotional, you start to talk faster, or forget something. Even if your words don't come out perfectly, you can still be proud of yourself for speaking your truth.
2. Ask your mom if she has any questions and tell her you're happy to talk. After telling your mom you're gay, say something like, "I know this is a lot to handle. I've been thinking about it for a long time. Do you have any questions for me? I'll do my best to answer them. "Stay with her even if your mother seems angry or sad or confused, even if it is uncomfortable.
   • At best, your mom will be supportive and loving. Even when this happens, she may still have questions! Make sure to give her time.
   • If your mom says she needs time to come to terms with what happened, say, "I totally get it. Let me know when you're done and we can continue talking. "

   Tip: If your mom says something like she doesn't know who you are, try to answer with something like, "I'm the same person I've always been, you just know me better now than before.

   
   
3. Respond to comments and questions calmly and with confidence. It can be difficult, but try not to get defensive, angry, or aggressive. Some of the things that are clear to you may not be that clear to your mother. For example, if your mom asks, "Is this my fault?", You might want to yell at her that being gay isn't wrong. If you can, respond calmly with something like, "You've been a great mom and this is just who I am. It's not because of something you did or didn't do. "
   • You may feel like you've changed roles with your mom. This is a very common phenomenon when a child comes out.
4. Set limits on the number of people your mom can share this news with. When and how you come out should be up to you, so make sure to talk to your mom about keeping your conversation private until you're ready to let others know. If you don't want your grandparents, cousins, or others to know you're gay just yet, ask your mom to keep your news to herself.
   • Say something like, "I haven't been out with a lot of people yet. It's something I'm still working on. Until I'm ready, I would appreciate if you could keep this between us. "
   • If you want to help tell someone else you're gay, say something like, "I haven't told Dad I'm gay yet and I'm nervous. How do you think I should do it? "
5. Be proud of yourself for having a difficult conversation with your mom! Regardless of how your mother responded, it was difficult and brave to have this conversation. It is a huge step in your journey and in living with your sexual identity.
   • If the conversation went badly or didn't go the way you wanted, it's also okay and normal to be upset. Talk to your support system and try to remember that many parents need time (weeks or even months) before they process this new information.

Part 3 of 3: Following up on the conversation

1. Keep the lines of communication open. About a week after your first meeting, ask your mom if she has any questions or thoughts she would like to share. Try to show her that you are still part of her family and want to be connected.
   • For example, say something like, "It's been about a week since we talked, and I thought you might have more questions for me. Is there anything you want to talk about? "
   • If you are unsure about your mother's feelings, say something like, "I know we haven't talked much since our conversation." I would like to know what you think. "
2. Give your mom time to digest the news. Try to remind yourself that you've been thinking about it and processing it for a long time, but it's all new to your mom. You can even tell her this if you think it would help. She may need a few weeks or even months before she can get used to this change.
   • Even mothers who initially react negatively to this type of news can come round. In the meantime, seek comfort from your friends and support system.
3. Understand this is a process for your mother and try emphatic to be. Your mom is probably experiencing strong emotions even when she was happy and super supportive to you. Give her the space she needs to figure out what she's thinking and how she's feeling, rather than expecting her to adjust quickly.
   • Your mom may feel guilty that she didn't realize you were gay or that you felt like you couldn't tell her about it sooner.
4. Offer your mom some LGBTQIA + materials so she can learn more. It can be super helpful for your mom to read about other families who are in the same circumstances. PFLAG is a great resource for parents, friends and families of people in the LGTBQIA + community. Or maybe you have a boyfriend who is gay whose parents have been through this too. It can be helpful to put your mom in touch with them so they can talk.
   • If your mom is willing and interested, invite her to go to pride parades and gatherings and try to include her in your life. She could eventually become your biggest advocate!

Tips

• If you're nervous about what to say, try practicing it in front of a mirror first.
• If your mother responds negatively, it can be helpful to talk to a supportive therapist who can help you deal with feelings of rejection or confusion. In the long run, you could even ask your mom to attend sessions with you if you think it can help.