Content

• Steps
• Part 1 of 3: Think about how to discuss this situation with your partner
• Part 2 of 3: Discuss the situation
• Part 3 of 3: Move on

The news of a betrayal of a partner is always painful. Infidelity greatly undermines trust between partners and is generally very difficult to deal with. Before you start solving the problem, you need to make sure that you have proof. Decide how and when you want to talk about it. Try to stay calm. Express your feelings and decide what to do with your partner now, how to be and where to move. If you decide to end this relationship, discuss the decision with family and friends for their support. If you and your partner want to be together, it is important to focus on building trust.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Think about how to discuss this situation with your partner

1. 1 Make sure you have proof. You don't want to push your partner against the wall without clear evidence. Even if you are absolutely sure that your partner is cheating on you, in a frank conversation, he may lie to you or become defensive if you do not present him with obvious evidence. If you want to discuss this situation with your partner, it is important to provide evidence.
   • Consider if you can find something to support your suspicions. For example, some get evidence of cheating from a friend or girlfriend. Or you may accidentally discover dirt when you clean up your house.
   • Plus, having enough evidence will give you confidence and it will be easier for you to relax. After all, conversations of this kind are always very difficult, they usually bring discomfort to both partners. It will be easier for you to start a conversation about this topic if you are absolutely sure that you are right.
2. 2 Plan this conversation. No need to run into the room in a panic and shout at your partner. Perhaps in the imagination and in the cinema, such an expressive manner of sorting things out looks impressive, but in real life such tactics are unlikely to end with something good. In order to achieve a certain result in the course of this serious conversation, you need to draw up an action plan.
   • Choose a place and time to talk. Choose a time that is convenient for both of you so that no one distracts you. For example, arrange to meet and talk over the weekend after lunch when you both have enough time.
   • Instead of asking questions, go straight to the demonstration of evidence. If the person has cheated on you and cheated on you, chances are they will try to lie again rather than admit their guilt. Therefore, it is best to plan to start the conversation with evidence: “Your sister told me what was going on. I know you had an affair. "
3. 3 Think about what you want to achieve. Before moving on to such a serious conversation, you need to think about what result you expect, what goal you are pursuing. You cannot predict how your partner will react and act, what he wants to do, but you can sort out your thoughts and decide what you yourself want to achieve with this conversation.
   • In what direction would you like to proceed next? Do you want to come to a common decision with your partner, or have you already decided on your own that you are going to break off the relationship?
   • You probably have specific questions. Most likely, you will want to get an explanation from your partner why he allowed himself to have an affair on the side. The desire to find out what made your partner do this, and whether he wants to correct his mistake and return the relationship, is quite normal. In this case, you can ask the question: "After all, I was always there - why did you prefer her?"
4. 4 Write down your thoughts. It is very important to start these kinds of conversations with a clear idea of ​​what you want to say. Therefore, you should write down your thoughts on paper in advance. It is usually very difficult to improvise during such difficult conversations. Therefore, it is a good idea to formulate and write down your thoughts in advance.
   • Think about how you are feeling. What's the best way to express this? What is the best way to convey your feelings so that your partner understands everything correctly? Try to think through these points as you formulate your thoughts and write them down on paper.
   • Think again what you want. Are you pursuing a purpose with this conversation? If so, be sure to include it in your thinking.

Part 2 of 3: Discuss the situation

1. 1 Find the right time to talk. It is important to catch your partner at the right time. Talking about cheating falls into the category of really serious conversations. Do not bring up this topic when you and your partner are both busy with business.
   • Ask your partner ahead of time when you can talk to them calmly. You can suggest the time that seems most convenient to you. For example, say, "If it's convenient for you, we can talk tomorrow afternoon."
   • Then try to eliminate all distractions. Before such a serious conversation, it is better to turn off all gadgets (phones, TV). You need to treat this conversation very responsibly and carefully.
2. 2 Express all your expectations. You should not start a conversation if you are in the mood for a certain scenario of its development. After all, this is what affects your behavior, and so it will be more difficult for you to relax. Talking about cheating is an emotionally difficult and draining experience. If in your ideas your partner is angry or defensive, it means that you will start the conversation on the platoon.
   • Instead, try to act like you don’t know at all how this conversation will go. As you enter the discussion, think to yourself, "I don't know how this will go." As you talk, also remind yourself, “I don't know what's going to happen. And I don't know how my partner will react. "
3. 3 Try to stay calm. If you want to effectively deal with this situation, it is very important to maintain a calm attitude. Most likely, you need answers to certain questions and a solution to the problem that arose in front of you. And in order for the conversation to be fruitful, it is necessary to maintain control over the situation.
   • Take a few deep breaths before engaging in conversation. It may be best to first express your emotions in a personal journal or in conversation with a friend or family member so that those emotions don't get in your way.
   • It is perfectly normal to show emotions in such a situation. You may cry or get angry. However, try to control your feelings so that they don't interfere with your effective communication.
4. 4 Use self-statements. This construction of sentences allows you to get away from the judgmental tone. Instead of immediately pouring out the objective truth about the situation on your partner, express your own feelings. Self-statements have three parts. Start with "I / me / me" and then just express how you feel. Then tell us what action or behavior made you feel. And at the very end, tell us why you feel this way.
   • For example, you may be angry or upset.And this can easily provoke you to the following words: “You do not respect me at all, because you kept this affair in secret instead of admitting to me that you had feelings for another person. If you had told me the truth, we would have come up with something! "
   • The same remark can be rephrased using the self-statement. For example: “I feel deeply offended because you had an affair with a colleague. But if you told me the truth, we could, as a couple, come up with something. "
5. 5 Discuss the reasons for the cheating. Usually such situations occur for good reasons. Most likely, there is a serious problem in your relationship, and you should not shift all the blame to just one partner. You need to discuss this problem in order to understand how you should proceed next. This step is especially important if you want to save a relationship.
   • Perhaps your partner will hesitate whether he should reveal to you the true reasons for what happened. Usually, the factors that lead to an affair or romance on the side are delicate things, and your partner may not want to "finish off" you by voicing these factors. However, for a normal resolution of this conflict, it is still important to discuss the underlying causes.
   • After you have discussed the reasons that led to the affair, it is important to pull yourself together and tune in correctly. Do not consider only one of the partners to be guilty. You both had a hand in the fact that at some point everything went wrong. And you both need to think about how to fix it.

Part 3 of 3: Move on

1. 1 Consider if you want to keep the relationship. In fact, cheating is not always an insurmountable obstacle to a happy relationship. Many couples find a way to solve this problem and move on. However, even in this case, betrayal greatly undermines the trust of one of the partners. Perhaps after this conversation, you decide that this relationship is not worth fighting for.
   • Remember that you need to know as much as possible about the situation that has arisen before making any informed decision about how to proceed. Most likely, in the course of this serious conversation, a lot of details about your relationship and about your partner will be revealed that you did not even know about.
   • Don't make a decision right away. Take a few days to think, weigh the pros and cons. Deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship after an affair is not easy. So take your time and think as much as you see fit.
2. 2 If you want to keep the relationship, agree with your partner that you will work on it together. If you and your partner still want to be together, you both need to work to improve the relationship. Try to combat your anger and urge to blame your partner. Move together as a pair and help each other.
   • In fact, the decision to move on together is reassuring for the betrayed partner. At the same time, such a decision serves as a motivating incentive for a partner who has acted dishonestly. Now you both need to work on building a new foundation for your relationship.
   • Accept that it will take time for you to regain trust and intimacy in a relationship. Establish some simple rules for good communication. For example, it might be a good idea not to bring up the topic of cheating just yet. You can say something like this: “I think we need to work to make our relationship as normal and healthy as possible. And I don’t want to raise and discuss the topic of treason any longer without special need. ”
3. 3 Get tested for STIs. Regardless of which partner had an affair on the side, both of you should get tested for STIs. If you and your partner have had sexual intercourse while they cheated on you, you too have a risk of contracting an STI. See your doctor and go through the full range of tests for STIs.
4. 4 Talk to loved ones. After you find out about your partner's cheating, it is very important to get emotional support. If you want to speak up and get support, it is best to reach out to family or friends.
   • Don't take revenge. You do not need to show your rejection by the act of your partner to everyone and everything. Focus on yourself and your feelings instead of complaining about your partner. Talk specifically about your feelings. Instead of: "He's a complete idiot, he hurt me so much," it is better to say: "It hurts so much because of what he did."
   • Regardless of whether you decide to stay in a relationship or break up, the support of others in such a situation is very important. You deserve to be cared for, loved, and supported after being betrayed.
5. 5 Consider seeing a family counselor. If you decide to move on and work together on this relationship, a psychologist can help you. An experienced, qualified professional can help you deal with this problem and find a healthy and happy relationship. Ask your friends to advise you on a good family psychologist or find a specialist on your own, on the Internet.
   • It would be better to turn to a psychologist with experience in providing psychological assistance to couples who are trying to maintain their relationship after infidelity.