Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Determining if you are self-centered
• Part 2 of 3: Unlearning self-centered behavior
• Part 3 of 3: Caring more about others
• Tips
• Warnings

Nobody likes to be told that they are self-centered. Someone who is self-centered is mostly interested in himself and shows little interest in others. We all want to believe that we are empathetic, compassionate, and consider the feelings of others as much as our own. But habit can creep in that we focus more on ourselves than others. Find out if you have characteristics of someone who is self-centered so that you can make changes in your habits and mindsets to be more responsive to the needs and feelings of others.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Determining if you are self-centered

1. Rate your conversations. Characteristics of self-centeredness become especially evident in interactions with others. When you become aware of the nature and development of the conversations you have with others, you can get a better picture of whether you may be self-centered. After talking to others, ask yourself the following questions:
   • Who spoke most of the time?
   • Who seemed to dominate the discussion or to steer it in a particular direction?
   • Have you learned anything new about your interlocutor?
   • Have you asked questions of the other person that were not related to your own life or experiences?
2. Assess your listening skills. Self-centered people often tend to take the conversation to themselves, rather than listening to and appreciating what others have to say. In fact, sometimes self-centered people don't really listen to what others are saying at all. Think about whether you can listen well and show interest in the other person, or whether you are always waiting for silence so that you can lead the subject back to yourself.
   • Ask yourself if you listened to what the other person said and how he / she said it. Did he / she tell you something you didn't know about him / her? Did you ask questions, nod, or confirm things to deepen the conversation? If he / she was sad, have you noticed? If so, how long did it take you to notice?
3. Pay attention to how you feel after talking to others. Did the conversation feel like some sort of competition? Did you feel like you had to arm arm to get enough speaking time, or did you keep interrupting the other person to be able to express your ideas? Do you always feel that your story should be more dramatic or powerful than the other's? These could be signs of self-centeredness.
   • Another sign that you are self-centered is when it is more important to you that you win a discussion or be proved right than trying to understand the other person's opinion or ideas.
   • If you feel exhausted or empty after a conversation, that can say something about you too, especially if you are cranky because you feel that you haven't "won" the conversation.
4. Consider how much time you spend taking into account the feelings of others. Another classic sign of self-centeredness is the inability to put yourself in the place of the other. If you barely consider the feelings of your friends or family, you can be self-centered. It's okay when you think about how to keep yourself happy and content, but others (especially your loved ones) should never feel ignored or invisible by you.
   • If you routinely upset people with your behavior, and you don't understand how you make others feel, you may need to develop more empathy and be less self-conscious.
5. Ask yourself if you are often concerned with how you come across in your contact with others. Self-centered people often engage in social interactions to show how interesting, attractive, charming, or unique they are. If you regularly walk away from conversations without really paying attention to your conversation partner, but even more so to how cool, interesting, or smart you appeared, you may be self-centered.
   • Do you spend a lot of time ruminating on what you yourself said, how often you made others laugh, or which people were clearly attracted to you? If you think about this and nothing else, you may be self-centered.
6. Assess how you respond to constructive criticism or feedback. People who are self-centered tend to distrust or dismiss criticism from others. While it's generally good not to let negative feedback get you down, you can hurt your personal and business relationships if you never listen to others and don't respect their opinions. Notice if your initial response to criticism is often defensive or angry, rather than trying to understand the other person's perspective.
7. Think about whether you often blame others when things go wrong. If you forgot to pay a bill, or if a project at work wasn't finished on time, do you automatically blame others? If this is your natural response, you may be self-centered and really think you are incapable of making mistakes.
8. Consider generational differences. Research shows that young people today are more self-centered than previous generations. People born between 1980 and 2000 ended up in a world in crisis, and it affected their lives in many ways. What seems like self-centeredness can also be their way of dealing with this.
   • Generational difference or not, no one likes to hang out with people who are so self-centered that they only care about themselves. Thinking about others and showing you care is behaviors that can be learned, and you are never too old to learn.

Part 2 of 3: Unlearning self-centered behavior

1. Stop expecting praise. People who are self-centered often wait for compliments from others. If you don't just like compliments, but really live for them, you might be self-centered. It's normal to think of a compliment as an unexpected surprise, but if you feel like you deserve a compliment for being so great, it's a sign of self-centeredness.
   • Compliments are supposed to be a nice "extra" that gives you a boost, not something you expect to receive.
2. Be open to doing things in different ways. If you have a hard time accepting that others do things differently, you probably think your way is the only right way. If you are organizing a project or a party at school or work, you may think you know exactly how to do it and you can't stand it when others want to take the reins. Then you may have to become a bit more flexible. You may hate not being able to take credit, or having to admit that someone else was right, but learning that will open up a little more.
   • If you find yourself angry, irritated, or even furious that someone is trying to do something in a different way, your ego gets in the way of your development.
3. Let go of jealousy about what someone else has achieved. Self-centered people find it difficult to be happy for others when they are praised or recognized. If someone in your circles receives praise, be it a little brother with good grades, or a coworker who has completed a project really well, you should actually be happy for that person. If you find yourself feeling jealous, angry, or confused because you can't take credit, you may need to work to become less self-centered.
4. See if you remember birthdays, anniversaries, or other important events in other people's lives. If you always forget birthdays, weddings, promotions, or other important things in your friends' lives, you may be self-centered.
   • Consider whether it is your organizational talent. If you often forget these things, or daily appointments, it could also be that you are just not well organized in general. Even if you have an attention disorder like ADHD or ADD, that forgetfulness may be due to it, and not to self-centeredness.
5. Develop friendships with varied personalities. People who are self-centered usually don't like being around people who are outgoing, boisterous, and popular. They don't like competing for attention, preferring to be the center of attention. They are looking for people who are gentle and sometimes shy, so that they can always steal the show themselves. If you think you have that tendency, work on developing relationships with people of varied personalities. It can be good to spend time with both introverts and extroverts, and you should be able to talk to all kinds of people.
   • This can also apply to your relationships. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who likes to be the center of attention, it could be because you don't want someone to take attention away from you.
6. Be nicer to everyone. People who are self-centered can be very blunt with others because they don't think the other person matters. If you are unkind to servants, shy with colleagues, or show up half an hour late to a dinner with a friend, you are sending signals that these people don't really deserve your attention. Even if you don't mean to, you seem to care more about yourself than others, which makes you appear selfish.
   • Self-centered people even hate it when people treat them badly, but constantly reject others without seeing how hypocritical it is. If you are aware of how you want to be treated yourself - and treat others the same way - you can improve your social relationships and others will see you as a better person.

Part 3 of 3: Caring more about others

1. Develop awareness. Most of us are unaware that we don't consider the feelings of others. You can become more aware by taking a step back and observing your own behavior. Once you are aware of your own behavior, you can start to change it. To become more aware, ask yourself the following questions after spending time with a friend:
   • "What did I do to make sure the conversation wasn't about me and my interests?"
   • "What have I learned about my boyfriend today, about his / her feelings or situation?"
2. Ask questions when you are with others. By asking questions you show that you are interested in the perspective of the other. If you are talking to a friend or acquaintance, ask them how they feel about the situation you are talking about. Ask how he / she achieved a goal or completed a task. People like that others care enough about them to want to know how they handle certain situations in their lives. You will be amazed at how people reveal themselves when you ask the right questions.
   • In a business situation you can ask the other person directly how he / she would approach a project. You can then focus on listening to and appreciating his / her suggestions, rather than imposing your ideas.
3. Apologize if you hurt someone. People who are self-centered often don't care how others feel, in part because they are not even aware of the other person's feelings. If you want to overcome your self-centeredness, try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person and apologize if you've hurt someone.
   • Sincerely apologize. It doesn't matter what you say, as long as you really mean it and can empathize with the other. If you've never apologized and don't know how to empathize, it can be a bit uncomfortable; but that doesn't matter. It will naturally become easier as you gain experience, and you will likely have to apologize less often.
4. Be attentive when you have a conversation. Be careful not to impose your own experiences until the other person has finished talking about theirs. Listen to what the other person is saying and try to enjoy and learn from what the other is saying, even if you are not contributing to the subject yourself. You must have paid so much attention that you could repeat the story.
   • This habit will make people know that you have heard them and that you respect them. It also helps if you are flexible when you listen. Do not hold on to a particular point of view in advance. Let the ideas of the other convince you. Try to pay enough attention to what the other person is saying that you could summarize it and explain how he / she feels about the situation.
5. Show genuine interest in others. Also try to think about your friends when you don't see them. If someone is having a rough time, send a message or do something nice to show that you are thinking about them. Remember what your friend talked about last time. Do things that show you care. Just give us a call and ask how it goes. That shows that you care about what your friends do and what interests them.
   • Don't just say that you care about someone and that you support them. Show it through your actions. This means that you listen carefully, but also that you show that you value his / her opinion. For example, you can ask a friend's opinion before making a major purchase. Asking his / her advice will make him / her feel appreciated.
6. Do something for others. Don't just think about yourself, do something for others who need help. Consider volunteering for a good cause. Do something without expecting anything in return. When you do that, you develop a sense of empathy and learn to care for others.
   • Make sure you value your friendships for what they are, not what you get out of them. You have to stop using people or situations for your own profit.
7. Have a good sense of self-worth, or self-love. The line between self-love and self-centeredness is not easy to define. It's important to love and acknowledge yourself so that you know others see and hear you. Self-esteem prevents others from despising and hurting you, but that doesn't mean you should hurt others to make yourself feel better.
   • Self-love is about finding a balance. If you can love yourself as well as others, you are not self-centered.

Tips

• Read books on building confidence, anger management, and patience. Keep in mind that there are all kinds of resources available.
• If people try to tell you that you are self-centered, don't think they are rude or dismiss them. You may be hurting someone, so remember that they are just trying to stop you and not that they want to insult you.
• If you listen to someone else's opinion, try to respect and understand them. If that opinion is wrong in your eyes, try to explain in a calm and friendly way why you think so.

Warnings

• Don't be surprised if people build walls in your area, or if they choose to spend as little time in your area as possible. This is a standard way of dealing with a self-centered person. After all, non-self-centered people know that they cannot change you. See their absence as a sign that your selfishness has become too much for them.