Content

• To step
• Method 1 of 2: Think before you forgive
• Method 2 of 2: Forgive the other
• Tips
• Warnings

If your spouse or partner has cheated on you, you feel sad, overwhelmed and unsure about how to proceed. If you want to keep the relationship, it's time to get in touch with your feelings, try to mend the bond you have, and look to the future. It's never easy to forgive someone who has cheated on you, but the following steps can get you through it.

To step

Method 1 of 2: Think before you forgive

1. Decide if you should forgive the cheating. This is the most important step. Before you start trying to make the relationship work, you need to determine if it's worth it. As much as you love the other person, you should know that forgiving infidelity is one of the hardest and most emotionally tough things you'll ever do. But if you really want it to be okay, here are some great reasons to forgive the cheating:
   • If it was a moment of madness. Maybe you had a big fight, maybe alcohol was involved, or maybe he / she met someone who was really, really special… for a while. While they are never good reasons to cheat, if it was really just a one-off thing, you might be able to get over it.
   • When the other person really regrets a lot. This is an important one. Does the other person regret it very much, is he / she depressed and emotional, and does everything possible to show you how devastated he / she is and that it never more will happen?
   • If you feel like giving up just like that if you don't try to get out. If you know that you have something very special and that quitting feels like giving up, then you should try to hold on to see if things can turn out okay.
   • If you've already had a long, healthy, great relationship together. Your relationship may not feel great right now after your partner cheated on you, but if it's normally a really stable, happy relationship, it might be worth saving.
   • Don't forgive if cheating is a recurring problem. If your partner has cheated on you before, it's time to pull the plug. Even if you have a house together, or children, or a lifetime together, it just isn't worth it. What if this is the only time you've found out about it, when you've suspected him / her of it a few times before? Then maybe you were right back then.
   • Don't forgive someone who is cheating on you at the beginning of the relationship. If you have just met someone and they are already cheating on you, the foundation of the relationship is not stable enough. Be glad it happened right away, then it won't be that hard to let go.
   • Don't forgive cheating if it's a sign of a bad relationship. If you think the cheating happened because the two of you grew apart, are no longer attracted to each other, or because it just doesn't work anymore, take this as a reason to quit altogether.
   EXPERT TIP

   Take the time to cool down. As much as you want to talk about it, scream, or hurt the other person, don't do it right after you find out. If you got hit when you found out, take a step back and take a deep breath. If you've found out, but your partner doesn't know it yet, think carefully about what you're going to say to him / her.

   • This is a difficult step. You may feel like you should have said it as soon as possible, but you are not. Being too quick to talk or argue can only make things worse.
   • Go for a walk, exercise, or just whine in your room. Do whatever you need to do to contain your emotions so that you can think more rationally.
   • This could even mean moving away from your partner for a few weeks. If you live together it may be very difficult, but if you have to leave, try staying with friends or family, or even a hotel if necessary.
2. Don't blame yourself. This sounds like a clincher, but it is one of the most difficult parts of the process. Don't think that they cheated on you because you aren't attractive enough, because you can't talk well enough, or because you've been too busy with work or the kids.
   • The other person cheated on it and that is his or her fault, and you didn't do anything to cause it to happen (unless you cheated at first, but then it's a different story).
   • Give yourself never blame for your partner's cheating, but think about things you may have done that contributed to the deterioration of your relationship.
   • Let your partner be you too never blame. If that happens, get your things and go.
3. Take stock of your relationship. Once you've regained your senses, think about your relationship with the person who cheated on you. How do the other make you feel? Can you imagine a future with him / her? Was it a good relationship, or are you just afraid to let it go? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
   • What's so special about your relationship? Do you want to forgive him / her because you really have such a great relationship, or because you are afraid of being alone? If you can't figure out what's great about the relationship, you may have to move on without him / her.
   • How is the relationship going? Did everything go well for a long time, and did it suddenly go wrong, or has it been getting worse for a long time? Try to think of reasons why the relationship developed in a certain way.
   • Can you think why the relationship prompted your partner to cheat? Remember, this is different from blaming yourself. Try to think about the problems in the relationship that caused the other person to cheat, whether it is the fact that he / she is jealous because you have more experience with sex or because you have been together since high school and he / she has the idea has that he / she has missed something.
4. Make sure the other person also plans to go all out. If you've decided that you want to forgive the other person because the relationship is worth saving, make sure they feel the same way before you spend months - or even years - working hard on it.
   • Make the other person really sorry. There is a difference between saying sorry and being really sorry.
   • Make sure that he / she not only regrets, but also promises to continue with you.

Method 2 of 2: Forgive the other

1. Affirm your feelings. It is important for your partner to acknowledge your feelings. He or she may be sorry, but that's different from understanding the pain and confusion you're going through. Tell the other person how you really feel, and make sure he / she knows what's going through your mind.
   • Your partner must fully understand that he / she did something terrible to you before you can move on. He / she will also have a hard time, especially if he / she has had to end a relationship, but it is important that your feelings are understood.
2. Talk about it honestly. Have an honest conversation about what happened if you want to move on. Schedule a day to sit down together to talk about what happened. You may have already argued about it and yelled at each other, but this is different because you are now going to discuss it rationally. You can do this:
   • Ask your partner what happened. You don't need to know all the details about what your partner did to that other man or woman. Just ask for the facts. How many times have they seen each other and when exactly was it?
   • Ask what he / she feels about the other person. The best answer is "I don't feel anything for him / her". The worst answer: "I don't know". Your partner is absolutely not allowed to have feelings (anymore) for the other person. Pay close attention to what he / she really feels.
   • Ask him / her if this has happened before. Although there is also something to be said for not taking old cows out of the ditch, you should try to gather as much information as possible in order to make a good choice.
   • Ask how he / she feels about your relationship. Find out why he / she cheated on you and how he / she feels about you together.
   • Tell him / her how you feel. Although you will have shown how you feel by now, you should clearly state how you feel about it if he / she has told you his / her side of the story.
   • Discuss what you can do to make amends. You can do it very business-like and take notes. What does it take to make the relationship better so that the other person does not cheat again? Should you spend more time together, be more honest with each other, or try to find whole new manners in the relationship? Perhaps you should talk about the problem in relationship counseling or with friends, or would you rather try to work it out together?
   • Set up rules. If the person your partner cheated on with is a co-worker, should he / she switch jobs? Many relationship therapists think so. Does he / she have to report where he / she is every hour? He / she may see that as a humiliation, but remind him / her that it is mostly you who feel humiliated.
3. Try to communicate openly. Once you've had an honest conversation about what happened, you can try to make open and honest communication a part of your daily life. Be honest and open with each other, and take the time to hear what the other person really has to say. Here are some ways to establish open communication:
   • Make time to talk every week. Be open about what is going well in the relationship and what things you need to work on. This shouldn't be to feel forced, but it is a necessary step.
   • Let each other know how you feel. While you may have become a little more closed when you found yourself being cheated on, now try to talk about both positive and negative emotions.
   • Don't be passive-aggressive. If you are angry, just tell them at the right time.
4. Work on improving your relationship. Unless the cheating really was a one-time miss and everything else is perfect between you two, you will have to work on the relationship. There are all kinds of things you can do to build a better relationship and start fresh. Here are some things you can try:
   • Take up a new hobby together. Do something neither of you have done before, whether it's rock climbing or pottery making.
   • Try to share more interests. Perhaps you have grown apart because you feel like you are out of touch and have nothing to talk about. Plan to read the same book every month or watch a new series together. It makes a big difference if you share even a few small interests.
   • Learn to compromise. Don't always let the other person get their way, and know that you can't always have your way, even if you are the one who has been cheated on.
   • Go on vacation together. Doing something completely new together can refresh the relationship. While a vacation is not a good long-term solution, it can help you take some distance from cheating. Only do this if you have already had enough time to reflect on your feelings and if you feel like you want to spend extended periods of time alone with your partner.
   • Stop blaming your partner. This may seem impossible, but if you really want the relationship to be saved, you can't keep saying that your partner cheated on you. You can talk about it when you have a conversation about your feelings, but mentioning in passing that the other person has cheated will only make it worse.
   • Don't let your partner crawl in front of you. While you may enjoy all the compliments, flowers and shoulder massages, try to treat each other equally. Even if your partner is really sorry, he can't go through the dust for you throughout the relationship to prove his / her love to you. That is too exhausting.
5. Don't obsess over the other man or woman. Doing so can drive yourself completely crazy and destroy your relationship. If you know the other man or woman, or if you have met him / her by accident, continue to try to avoid contact. It's natural for that to seem impossible, but tell yourself to focus on your own relationship, not what an outsider is doing with his / her life.
   • Don't compare yourself to the other man or woman. Don't let him / she make you feel bad or inadequate. You don't know his / her situation. Maybe he / she really fell in love with your partner, or maybe he / she didn't even know your partner was in a relationship. Just don't think about it.
   • Don't follow that other man or woman on Facebook or other social media. Do not go through his / her profile, or look for what the other has or what you do not have.
   • Do not stalk the other man or woman in person.
   • Don't talk to your partner about that other man or woman. Focus on your relationship and don't get stuck in the past.
   • If you're really obsessed with that person, talk to a friend about it, but that's all.
6. If you still can't forgive your partner, let it go. If you've tried everything but you keep getting angry and can't find a way to get on with this relationship, then you should call it quits. If you can no longer look at your partner, let alone touch them, or if you feel paranoid every time he / she is out alone or interacts with someone of the opposite sex, then it is time to stop to keep.
   • It's much better to end the relationship than to force yourself to hold on to something that isn't going to work. Maybe you hate your partner more and more, and you start hurting him / her by cheating on your own, or you grow so apart that communication becomes completely impossible.
   • Remember, it may just be too late, even though your partner is trying hard to save the relationship. You really don't have to stay with him / her if it doesn't feel right for you.
   • You can be proud of yourself for trying to save the relationship, even though it didn't work out. It was very brave of you.

Tips

• Don't let financial dependence be the reason to stay with your partner. If you are sure that you can never be happy again with the man / woman who cheated on you, then money is no reason to get stuck in a bad relationship.
• Forgiving cheating is even more difficult when children are involved. Also consider what is best for your children, in addition to what is good for you; Do you prefer to stay in a situation that is far from ideal because it is better for the children, or do you think it is ultimately better for the children if you do what is right for you?

Warnings

• Note that someone who has cheated on you may still be able to do that. If it happens again, stop it. Don't be a doormat.