Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 3: Knowing what not to do
• Part 2 of 3: Taking the first steps
• Part 3 of 3: Rebuilding the relationship
• Tips
• Warnings

Learning to deal with a cheating husband could just be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. When making the decision - whether or not you want to try to fix things - there is no one-size-fits-all answer. All you can do is communicate with your spouse, listen to yourself, and determine whether or not the relationship is worth saving. If you decide to clear the air and save the relationship, you will have to look at everything from day to day, and most importantly, don't forget to keep taking care of yourself.

To step

Part 1 of 3: Knowing what not to do

1. Don't blame yourself. It's not always clear why your husband is cheating on you, so you might instinctively blame yourself. You may think that you two have grown apart, or that you may have fell short between the sheets. Maybe you let your work overwhelm you and didn't make enough time for the relationship. While these could be signs that your relationship is in need of some refurbishment, remember that nothing you do can ever cause your husband to cheat. Therefore, never blame yourself for the crooked skate your husband has ridden.
   • Of course, you could play a role in a particular relationship problem, and it's important to recognize that too. However, you should never think that your wrongdoing justifies your husband's cheating.
   • If you are too busy to blame yourself, then you are holding your partner over your head - and you are not supposed to let your partner get away easily with his infidelity. It is important to also address your partner's behavior.
2. Don't obsess over the third party. If you want to drive yourself crazy as quickly as possible, you can ask a million questions about that other man or woman, spend hours checking his / her Facebook profile, or maybe even trying to get a glimpse of him / her in person. You may think that you can find out what was wrong with the relationship by finding out everything about the third party, but it won't give you any answers at all. In fact, that will only hurt you more.
   • When a spouse is having an affair, it almost never involves that third person. Unless the spouse believes that he / she has genuinely built a meaningful relationship with them — something less common — the cheating itself is more often an expression of dissatisfaction with themselves or the marriage. If you get too involved with that other man or woman, you won't be able to pay enough attention to your husband or your relationship.
   • While it can be comforting to know a few things about the affair, you probably don't want to learn too much. You don't need to know what he / she looks like, what he / she does for a job, or whatever. Such details will only distract you and can make you feel bad about yourself. It is absolutely not worth it.
3. Don't try to rationalize it. While you may think you can get over the affair if you can find a logical explanation for the cheating - for example, if your husband felt powerless after losing his job, or if your wife couldn't resist because another man tried so hard for her - no use looking for nonsense. Accept that you are hurt and that you need to find a way to move on, but don't think making excuses for your spouse will help you.
   • What went through your husband's mind when he / she decided to cheat defies logic. Don't waste too much time coming up with the perfect reasons for cheating; rather work to be able to look ahead and leave this situation behind.
4. Don't hang it on the big clock. You could feel really hurt and angry, and possibly even have the urge to tell all of your family members and best friends. To really get your heart out, you could even get the urge to post on social media that your partner has cheated on you. However, there is a chance that you will want to reconcile with him / her and try to mend the relationship. If that is the case, and you have already overheard your partner's cheating, then you should be aware that everyone will look at your husband differently for the rest of your life. Rather than telling everyone, it is best to only tell people with whom you are really close, and who you really think can help you through this.
   • If you tell everyone what happened, it might be a relief at first. However, that relief could soon give way to pain and regret. You may not realize that you weren't ready for everyone's advice or judgment.
   • If you choose to tell your best friends about your partner's infidelity, do so with caution - especially if you're not sure what to do about it yet. If your friends think you will absolutely leave your partner, they could just tell you a thousand and one things that they didn't like about him / her. That will certainly not make you feel better. In addition, it could eventually lead to uncomfortable situations if you decide to keep the relationship going.
5. Don't worry too much about what your friends and family will think. In addition to not telling everyone what happened, don't worry too much about what the people you do tell will think about the affair. While these people might be able to give you helpful advice, it's all about what's best for you. Therefore, don't worry about what people will think of your decision, regardless of whether you decide to keep the relationship going or to leave your partner. It's not about what the rest of the world thinks. Don't let the judgment of others cloud your decision making.
   • Talking to people around you can help you gather strength and may also provide you with new insights. Know, however, that their opinions can never or should never replace yours.
6. Don't make big decisions without first reflecting on the situation. While you may think you want to pack your bags or drop your partner on the doorstep as soon as you find out they cheated on you, it's important to take a little more time to think about it. You can of course distance yourself from your partner for a while, but avoid immediately saying that you want a divorce or taking drastic measures. Give yourself time to reflect on what happened and think about what's best for you and the relationship; don't do things you might regret later.
   • While it can sometimes be good to take a break, avoid filing for divorce as soon as you find out. You need to overcome your instincts on this, and wait until you've got it all sorted out before putting an end to the relationship.
7. Don't punish your husband. While it might feel good to be mean to your spouse, deprive him / her of things he / she likes, or even start an affair in revenge, this type of behavior is not going to do you any good. Nor will it help the relationship any further. Sure, you can feel hurt and miserable, be curt with your partner for a while, and distance yourself for a while, but don't actively look for ways to make him / her feel worse. Because if you do, you'll both start to feel awful.
   • Punishing your husband will only make you more bitter and make the relationship worse. It's okay to spend some time apart and be a little colder or more distant than usual, but actively doing your best to be as cruel as possible won't help you any further.

Part 2 of 3: Taking the first steps

1. Put your demands on the table. Take the time to think carefully about what you want from your partner, and do it before starting a conversation with them. Don't just start talking about cheating, only to burst into tears and then make amends. Rather, take the time to create a battle plan so that your partner knows what you expect from him / her if he / she wants to continue the relationship. This shouldn't feel like a punishment, but rather like a plan to move forward together.
   • Let your partner know what he / she needs to do for you to continue the relationship. For example, you can go into therapy together or separately, take concrete steps to relearn how to enjoy things you used to do together, make time to interact every night, or sleep in separate bedrooms until you feel comfortable again. share a space.
   • If you are considering filing for divorce, it is wise to hire a lawyer as soon as possible. The sooner you do this, the better your negotiating position will be.
2. Give it time. Even if you think you are ready to forgive your partner or return to normal life, you should realize that it can take a long time for you to regain confidence and love for your partner. Even if you are both determined to mend the relationship, it can take a long time for everything to feel “normal” again. Also, you won't feel the same affection for your partner overnight as you did before. This is completely normal. Trying to rush things could throw a spanner in the works.
   • You will not be able to forgive your partner overnight, nor will you immediately feel that everything is okay again. It can take months, even years, to fully restore trust in each other.
   • You will also need to take it slow. It may take a long time for you to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as your partner, going out to dinner again, or enjoying the things you used to enjoy doing together. Be prepared for that.
3. Open your heart. Let your spouse know what you are feeling. Tell him about the anger, suffering, betrayal and pain he / she caused you. Do not build walls around you and do not pretend this was a sinecure; really show him / her how much pain he / she caused you and explain how you feel. If you are not honest and open about what you are going through, you may never be able to really move forward together. While you may feel shy or afraid to reveal your true feelings, it is essential that you do so.
   • If you are nervous about facing your spouse or can't say everything you want to say, you can write down everything you want to say on a note. That way, you will not be upset and you will not skip important points.
   • If you are too emotional to have a conversation about what happened, you can wait a few days (or more) until you feel comfortable talking about it candidly. Of course it could be that the conversation never feels completely pleasant, but you can take the time to get back together. That said, you probably don't want to put off this conversation for too long.
4. Ask questions you want answers to. You may want some clarification about what your cheating partner has done. If you want to find out exactly how this happened, you can ask your partner questions about when it happened, how often it happened, how it started, or even what your spouse feels about the other person. However, if you want the relationship to be successful, it is probably better not to ask for details that you should not know.
   • Ask questions that you think will help you get a better idea of ​​where the relationship currently stands. However, try to avoid asking questions that are only intended to satisfy your curiosity; the answers to those questions could be too painful.
5. Get tested. It may sound embarrassing, but if you've found out that your partner has cheated on you, get yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases - and your partner too. You never know which diseases the third party might have, and you don't know if they have been passed on to you. While your spouse may say that you don't need an STI test, you should be absolutely sure that both of you don't have STIs.
   • This process will also help your husband see the seriousness of his / her actions.If your spouse has shared the bed with you and someone else at the same time, you are at risk for an STI - it is extremely important to recognize that.
6. Listen to your husband. It's important to also listen to what your spouse has to say - even if you feel hurt, overwhelmed, betrayed, angry, and any other negative emotion. It may seem like listening to him / her is the very last thing you would like, but if you want to get clarity and mend the relationship, then you will also need to hear his / her side of the story. Who knows, your spouse may share new feelings or frustrations that you were completely unaware of.
   • It is not fair to think that he / she does not deserve to tell his / her side of the story, or that he / she is not entitled to any feelings in this case at all. While you may not be ready to confront his / her feelings, at some point you need to let them express themselves - if you want to try to mend the relationship, anyway.
7. Improve communication every day. Once you and your spouse talk about the cheating, you can start working on improving communication between the two of you. Make sure you are honest and open with each other, that you have regular conversations with each other, and that you try to avoid passive-aggressiveness as much as possible. While this may seem impossible after what your partner did to you, two-way communication is extremely important if you want things to get better.
   • Once you're ready, make it a point to engage in conversation every day. Put aside any distractions and talk about the relationship. If you find this exhausting and feel like only taking old cows out of the ditch, then you should work to talk more about the present and the future than the past.
   • It is important that you and your spouse speak up regularly so that you both know how the other person is feeling. Now is the time to be alert and focus on the relationship. If the communication is not good, it will be very difficult to make progress.
   • Learn to express your feelings with “I-phrases”. For example, say "I feel sad if you don't greet me when you get home from work" instead of "you phrases" like "You never pay me attention when you get home from work" - "you phrases" come a much more accusatory about it.
8. Decide whether or not you want to mend the relationship. When you start talking about cheating, you have an important decision to make: Do you think you can eventually forgive your partner and have a healthy relationship again? Or do you think that opportunity has been lost? It's important to be honest with yourself and consider whether the relationship is worth saving or not. The most important thing is that you take the time and space you need to be able to really reflect on the situation; avoid making hasty decisions.
   • Only when you've talked to your spouse, expressed your feelings, heard his / her side of the story, and taken the time to reflect on your feelings, can you start deciding whether or not you want the relationship try to recover.
   • Do you choose to mend the relationship? Then know that you will have to put in a lot of effort. If you know it's over and out as far as you are concerned, now is the time to initiate a divorce. Hire a lawyer and get advice on the steps to take.

Part 3 of 3: Rebuilding the relationship

1. Do what's best for you. Unfortunately, magazines, friends, relatives, and doctors will not be able to help you make the right decision for you — and / or for your family. When children are involved, the decision becomes even more difficult. While you may think there is only one right solution, be honest with yourself. Find what your heart really tells you. It can take a long time to find the truth, but the most important thing is to acknowledge that no one else can tell you what to do or feel - let alone your spouse.
   • This can be an intimidating thought as chances are it will take you some time to find the answer. But if your gut feeling is already whispering something to you, then you better listen to it.
2. Make the choice to forgive. Remember that forgiveness is actually a choice; it is not something that either does or does not happen. If you are willing to forgive or even attempt to forgive your husband, then you will have to make that choice consciously. Forgiveness will not be handed to you or your partner on a silver platter, and you will have to work hard to get there. The first step is to accept that you are going to do your best to mend the relationship.
   • Be honest with your partner about this. Don't let the desire to forgive or not to forgive your partner shrouded in mystery. Let him / her know that you really want to try to mend the relationship.
3. Spend time together that has nothing to do with the affair. If you want to rebuild the relationship, you and your partner will have to spend quality time together that has nothing to do with your partner's cheating. Do things that you used to enjoy doing together and try to avoid places that remind you of the affair. Do your best to start from scratch so that your relationship has a strong foundation that you build with daily activities; do not rush.
   • You can even discover new activities, such as hiking or cooking, to do together. This can help you see the relationship in a new light. Just make sure that you don't feel like your partner is trying too hard or is going through an agony.
4. Take care of yourself. If you're dealing with a cheating spouse, personal care could become a mess. Maybe you're too busy with that whirlwind of complex emotions that confront you to even think about eating three meals a day, grabbing a little sunlight, and getting plenty of rest. However, if you want to stay strong during this difficult time and have the energy to work on the relationship, then that is exactly what you need to do. Here are some things to keep in mind:
   • Try to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep per night. If you can't sleep because you are bothered by your partner sleeping next to you, feel free to make alternative sleeping arrangements.
   • Try to eat three healthy meals a day. While you may be tempted to eat unhealthy foods because you are stressed, such as sugary snacks, try to stay healthy to keep up your spirits. Fatty food can make you feel weak and sluggish.
   • Try to exercise for at least thirty minutes a day. This is good for body and mind, and allows you to be alone for a while and not think about the affair.
   • Write in a journal. Try to sign up for it at least a few times a week so you can collect your thoughts.
   • Don't isolate yourself. Spend more time with friends and family to keep your feet firmly on the ground.
5. Get therapy. While therapy is not for everyone, you and your spouse should give it a try. Perhaps therapy is too embarrassing or too much for you, but it can certainly benefit. In fact, it can be the best way to create a safe environment for you and your partner. It can provide an environment where both of you feel comfortable sharing your feelings. Find a therapist you trust and make sure you give your all during the sessions.
   • If this is important to you, make it clear to your partner that it is non-negotiable. Your partner has broken your trust, and he / she should therefore be willing to do this for you.
6. Reassure the children. If you have children, learning to deal with a cheating spouse will be even more difficult. Most likely, the kids will feel the tension at home, so it's best to be open and honest with them about you and your spouse having some issues. While you don't need to go into detail, let them know that you love them and that you and your partner are doing your best to resolve the situation.
   • If you are thinking about ending the relationship, do not allow your spouse to use the children as a tool for blackmail. While he / she may claim that the children will be better off with two parents at home, this is not the case if the parents are always arguing or no longer loving each other.
   • Make time for your children even during this difficult time. Dealing with the children can also make you feel stronger.
7. Know when it's over. If you've tried everything to save the relationship and just don't think you can forgive your partner in a significant amount of time, it may be time to end the relationship. Don't be frustrated by the fact that you yourself are unable to forgive your husband, even if he / she has done his / her best to regain trust; some things cannot be forgiven. If you feel like you've done everything you can but just can't continue the relationship, then it's time to take the plunge and move on.
   • Don't get mad at yourself if you can't seem to forgive your cheating spouse. You did your best; your partner is the one who has broken your trust.
   • If you are able to put the infidelity behind you, then you shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that you have "given in". You've made a choice that you think is best for you, your relationship, and your family - and no one should judge it.

Tips

• You can try to quickly rummage through their cell phone to see if you see one or two phone numbers that you don't recognize. Try calling those numbers with a secret number and see who answers.
• Chances are there will be no name next to the phone number. That way you cannot see whether the number is of a specific girl or boy.

Warnings

• Don't be jealous or let them think you've been looking for information or suspecting certain things. You can try asking them honest questions at the beginning.
• Try not to appear too meddlesome when you talk to them. If you do, you will throw a spanner in the works and not find out things that you want to know.