Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 4: Teaching verbal control
• Part 2 of 4: Making amends after an incident
• Part 3 of 4: Taking the consequences into account
• Part 4 of 4: Making changes in the long term
• Tips

You may be in the habit of saying whatever comes to your mind and making others angry or hurting their feelings without meaning. Or maybe the problem isn't your out of control tongue, but someone else you know and care about. Whether it's yourself or someone else who needs control over what they're saying, learning to think about what's being said and the impact of an out of control tongue can help tame it.

To step

Part 1 of 4: Teaching verbal control

1. Calm down. Some people have a tendency to rattle when they are nervous. In fact, research shows that you are more likely to make a verbal mistake if you are already in an extremely stressful situation. Soothing can help you control your mouth.
   • If nervousness makes you say things that you later regret, take a few deep breaths to help calm yourself.
   • Visualize that the meeting is going well. Imagine how calm you will be and control what you say.
2. Count to ten. Pause 10 seconds before saying something to give yourself time to think about whether what you're saying is a good idea. If it still seems like a good idea to speak after these 10 seconds, then go ahead. Counting to ten can keep the conversation going without your comment, so your rude comment may have become irrelevant by then.
   • Sometimes the person will wait for your answer, and 10 seconds can make for an awkward pause. Take at least three seconds to think about your words before answering.
   • Take time to think about something more appropriate that you could say instead.
   • Remember to take a 10-second break before posting, commenting, or replying to anything online. Make sure what you post isn't something you might regret later.
3. Think about the consequences. Take a moment to think about the effect your words can have on the other person and on the situation in general. Tap into empathy and ask yourself, `` How would I feel if someone said this to me? '' Or, `` What feelings is this comment likely to evoke in the other person? '' Realizing the shame and harm you can cause with your words is one way you can learn to keep them in.
   • Remember that words can hurt and even though they forgive you, people remember how you hurt them. The person may not say anything at the time, but it can damage your relationship with the other.
   • Do you really want to upset the other person? If so, why? Even if someone has angered you, hurting them with your words is not the way to handle the situation. It could actually escalate the problem.
   • Negativity breeds more negativity, and there is little to be gained from complaining or killing someone else.
4. Think it, don't say it. Everyone has had something negative or mean about someone or a situation at one point or another. That is normal. You can think what you want; the problems only begin when the thoughts become words that hurt other people. Keep your tongue in check thinking what you want, but only say what is appropriate.
   • Stick to the advice, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
   • If you can't think of anything positive to say, smile politely, nod, and subtly change the subject.
   • For example, if a girlfriend tells you she's had a makeover, and all you can say is that she looks like a clown, don't. Instead, you smile, nod, and say something like, "Why did you change your appearance?"

Part 2 of 4: Making amends after an incident

1. Acknowledge what you have said. Even if it's just for yourself, admit you said something wrong. Don't just put it aside and move on. Admitting that you shouldn't have said what you said is the first step in making up for your slip.
   • Think about what provoked your words and what you could have done differently.
   • For example, you might think, "Wow, his attitude really pissed me off." I felt defensive so I raged on him. I could have calmed down before responding to him. "
   • Don't wait for someone else to correct you. Most people usually know when a comment they made went too far before someone else points it out. Take responsibility for your words yourself.
   • You can admit that you are wrong by saying, "What I just said came across much harder than I intended."
2. Apologize immediately. If you know, or even think that your comment was offensive, rude, or hurt someone, you should sincerely say you're sorry as soon as possible. Apologizing right then will mean more to the people you've offended than saying sorry later.
   • Acknowledge what you said and then immediately say something like, "I'm sorry, that was not necessary. I'm working to keep my tongue in check, but there's no excuse for what I've said. I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. "
   • Depending on what has been said and in what context, it may be appropriate to take the person aside and apologize privately. This also gives you the chance to explain more about what you said and why, as well as how to work on taming your tongue.
   • If your comment was addressed to a specific person online, delete it if possible and send that person a private message apologizing.
3. Openly apologize if necessary. In situations where your words touch multiple people or have been made known to many people, you may need to offer a public apology. Not only is this good for the people who have hurt your words, but it also helps tame your wild tongue by making you more humble.
   • For example, if you made a rude comment in front of a group of people, you should apologize to the group rather than to each individual individually.
   • It is appropriate to post a public apology for comments online that are offensive, especially if you know that several people have seen it.
4. Continue after the incident. According to an old saying, things never change. Take the time to sincerely apologize, think about what you did and why, and how you can behave differently in the future - then move on. Thinking about the incident, apologizing, and then moving on with what you learned from the situation can help keep your tongue in check in future circumstances like these.
   • Make a goal to do better next time. Plan to re-enter the 10-second comment pause until you feel like you're better guessing the audience.
   • For a while, try to be especially careful about what you say around that particular person or in similar situations.

Part 3 of 4: Taking the consequences into account

1. Protect your career. Letting your tongue run wild and swearing at work can earn you an official reprimand or even lead to dismissal. Before saying anything inappropriate, think about your career.
   • When giving feedback, remember to put a little criticism between positive comments. For example: "I can see that you have put a lot of effort into this. It would be even stronger if we add more to this. That addition would reveal the possibilities you introduced earlier. "
   • During meetings or other group discussions, make sure you don't forget to take a 10-minute break before responding.
   • Also pay attention during the break. Don't let go of your out of control tongue in the casual atmosphere. You are still working so avoid gossiping, belittling others, obscenities, etc.
2. Protect your reputation. Studies suggest that people who swear, insult, and use sarcasm a lot are seen as less intelligent, mature, and able to handle stressful situations. Think about what you want your reputation to be and don't let your wild tongue get in the way. Say things that show your intelligence, maturity, and problem-solving skills.
3. Think about your relationships. Some of the things you say when your tongue is out of control can upset your loved ones or make your partner wonder if the two of you should stick together. Thinking about the consequences of your words and the fact that you can endanger relationships may help you control your tongue more easily.
   • For example, do your harsh tone and words make your partner feel like you don't respect or care about him or her?
   • Have family members told you that the things you say hurt their feelings?
   • If you're unsure, ask your loved ones if your wild tongue is affecting them, and in what way.

Part 4 of 4: Making changes in the long term

1. Think about your motives. Figuring out why and when you have a wild tongue can help you tame it by recognizing situations where it is likely to happen. Think about why your first reaction is to say something rude or mean. Think about whether you can't keep your mouth shut in certain situations or with certain people.
   • Is this a natural reaction for you? Are you just not good at communication? Is this something you've always struggled with?
   • Does your tongue rage when you are around a certain person or people? For example, is there an annoying colleague that you want to lecture all the time?
   • Are you looking for attention? Have you found this to be a way of getting people to notice you - for better or for worse?
   • Does it happen more often when you are nervous, stressed or defensive? For example, do you throw something out when you are put on the spot or end up in an uncomfortable situation?
2. Limit alcohol and other drugs that reduce inhibitions. Sometimes alcohol disinhibition can lead us to say things we later regret. Consider whether alcohol plays a role in loosening your tongue and, if it does, limit or avoid alcohol altogether when you're in situations where you're worried about what you're blurting out.
   • For example, if you know that alcohol lowers your inhibitions so much that you say things that you will later regret, you better stick with one drink at the company party or drink nothing at all. That way, you don't have to worry about saying anything that could offend your boss or even mean your dismissal.
3. Learn to listen. Many people who insult constantly spend a lot of time talking and very little time listening. Keep your tongue in check by consciously choosing to really listen when someone is talking instead of thinking about what to say back.
   • Listening to the person can give you hints about which topics may be sensitive and which ones should be avoided.
   • Instead of answering, try asking the person an open-ended question, such as, "What did you do then?" Or "How do you feel about that?"
4. Avoid sensitive topics. Ignore finances, discrimination, romance, religion, politics, etc. when speaking to people outside of a close circle. These topics are closely related to people's beliefs and values. Your out of control tongue can provoke anger and cause people to be extremely offended.
   • When other people talk about these things, just keep out of the conversation. If possible, steer the conversation in a different, safer direction.
   • If you absolutely have to comment, don't forget to pause for 10 seconds and think about what you're saying and the impact it can have.
   • Keep in mind that some things said as jokes or sarcasm can be perceived as discriminatory.

Tips

• Be patient with yourself. You will miss the point every now and then, but if you keep working on it, you will be able to tame that out of control tongue.