Content

• To step
• Part 1 of 4: Understanding what sexuality is
• Part 2 of 4: Coming out
• Part 3 of 4: Finding relationships
• Part 4 of 4: Maintaining relationships
• Tips
• Warnings

Asexuals (who often call themselves "Aces") are people who have no sexual attraction to other people of any gender (although the label is very large, and there is a fair amount of leeway). Read this article if you are new to asexuality or if your loved one is asexual.

To step

Part 1 of 4: Understanding what sexuality is

1. Be your natural self. If you naturally not are asexual, then you cannot make yourself asexual. If you naturally well are asexual, you cannot make yourself sexual. Never try to be anyone other than you, regardless of the pressure that may be placed on you. You can pretend to feel a certain way for a while, but the truth will always catch up with the lie. Whatever your personal preferences, there is nothing wrong with your sexuality. Be yourself because you are beautiful just the way you are.
2. Don't let labels limit you. You have to understand that human sexuality is incredibly complicated. There is not a single box that someone exactly fits into. Even if you think you have found the perfect box, that box will not always be perfect. Do not let yourself be forced into a specific box in that knowledge, nor force yourself into it. Do what you feel comfortable with.
3. Distinguish between different types of attraction. It is extremely important for asexuals to know that there are different types of attraction. There is sexual attraction and romantic attraction. By definition, asexuals do not experience sexual attraction; on the other hand, they can feel romantic attraction.
   • This means that you can be homosexual and asexual at the same time. This way you can have romantic feelings for people of the same sex, but still don't want to have sex with them.
   • Most asexuals do kissing, cuddling, spoon-spoon, and other affectionate acts. Don't think you shouldn't.
4. Differentiate between sexual needs. Asexuals often differentiate between the physical need for sex (they consider this to be like hunger, or going to the toilet), and the desire for sexual intercourse with another person. For example, if you feel the need to masturbate (even to porn or other sexual fantasies), but lose interest when you think about someone specific, you may be asexual.
5. Look for sources of information. There are many sources of information that you can tap into. There is also a very active asexual community online. You may be able to find information about asexuality through a counselor at school or through a local clinic. The resources can provide you with more information and can help you map your feelings. At the same time, you will be able to make contact with fellow sufferers.
   • There is also another label called "Questioning" - this means that you have not yet committed to a sexual orientation or are still searching. If you are not yet sure where your preferences lie, this can be a useful label.
6. Get to know people who are just like you. It can be incredibly good for you to get to know other people who fly the banner of the LGBTQ community. In this way you can share your feelings and experiences with like-minded fellow sufferers, and you will find out that you are completely normal and that there is nothing wrong with you. There are other people just like you! Participate in (online) group discussions to find people who have the same ideas and feelings as you.
7. Accept changes. Just because you've decided to rank yourself among asexuals now doesn't mean you have to do it forever. You may have been sexual in the past, and you will be again in the future. Your needs and desires can change over time, and that's nothing to feel guilty about.

Part 2 of 4: Coming out

1. Don't let yourself be pressured. Coming out is an extremely personal experience. The answer to the question of when is the right time to come out is "when you think it is the right time." Don't let anyone convince you whether or not to come out. If you want to tell people, tell them. If you don't want that, then don't. Just know that if you start a relationship with someone, you will have to tell them sooner or later - and early on this is preferable. It doesn't get any easier, and if you wait it can only cause problems.
2. Make time for it. If you are going to come out, it is wise to choose the time and location carefully. Pick a quiet time when you both have enough time to talk. Also make sure you are both calm and in good spirits.
3. Be straightforward. Make no bones about it and say you are asexual. Avoid insecure and / or apologetic language. Explain exactly how you feel. You do not have to fill yourself guilty for anything. If the situation is rather sensitive, you can release a test balloon by asking if your conversation partner knows anything about asexuality, or what he / she thinks about it. Otherwise, it's best to start the conversation like this:
   • "Hey, I want to talk to you about something that's incredibly important to me. Are you okay with that? Let's sit down for a minute. Because you're very important to me, I want to let you know that I'm asexual."
4. Explain what asexuality is. Do this after you have talked about yourself. Ask if he / she knows what asexuality is, and offer to explain what it is and how it works exactly. You don't need to go into more personal details about your preferences than you want.
   • Create context. If this concept is completely new to someone, then you want to explain it in a way that he / she understands. Use examples that he / she understands. It is usually easiest to use cultural examples to compare your situation with. For example, think of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, and / or some Sherlock Holmes performances - these are also asexuals.You can also draw the comparison with historical figures, such as Buddha.
   • Provide information sources. Make sure you have some extra information with you, especially if you are talking to parents or partners. Chances are that they will be confused or disturbed by your disclosure. You can choose to print out some information or send a digital version. However, ask them in advance if they would like to receive that information. There is no point in forcing someone on something they don't need, especially if they have a hard time accepting your confession. Doing so can cause extra tension.
5. Give them the opportunity to ask you questions. It's perfectly normal to have questions. Since asexuality is uncommon, and some people don't even know it exists at all, don't feel offended if they have trouble understanding you. Give them time to learn, and let them know you're always willing to answer questions.
6. Draw desired boundaries. Tell them what you are and are not willing to talk about. Do that before or after your explanation. This prevents offensive questions. If you don't want to reveal details about your feelings, say so. If you don't want to say much about your personal sex life, say so.

Part 3 of 4: Finding relationships

1. Look for other asexuals. The easiest way to find a relationship as an asexual is to date another asexual. You can find and meet people through local support groups, by using online dating sites that specifically target asexuals, or by asking your friends to match you (if you're lucky).
2. Look for open-minded people. If you can't find other asexuals to date or find one with whom you have an emotional connection, then you may need to start a relationship with someone who is sexual. Try to bond with someone you know is open-minded or who you care deeply about. If the two of you water down, the relationship could just turn out to be successful.
3. Let the relationships develop naturally. Never try to force a relationship. Don't force yourself, but don't force someone else either. Of course, just because someone you meet is asexual doesn't mean you should get married. Listen to your heart. That is a lot more important than entering into a relationship for the sake of the relationship.
4. Discuss your situation with your partner. If you decide to date someone who is sexual, you will have to explain your situation after a while. Explain the situation as early as possible, but make sure you feel comfortable doing so. Dating an asexual can be quite a challenge for sexual people. None of you deserve to be hurt.
   • Even if you are both asexual, it is probably wise to discuss your ideas about the relationship. Just like any other person, asexual people are also different from each other. Discuss what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with, and what you may or may not need.
5. Draw up some ground rules. Regardless of who you're dating, it's wise to set some ground rules and expectations. This will help with any future discomfort. Know that it is important for both of you to speak and that the needs of each party are valid and important. That's how healthy relationships work.

Part 4 of 4: Maintaining relationships

1. Provide continuous, open communication. Communication is the key to the success of any asexual relationship. If one of you is bothered, it is important that there is a safe and understanding atmosphere in which you can discuss the problems with each other.
2. Find ways to have fun together. Asexual relationships generally do not involve sex (although that is not necessarily the case), but they generally include all other facets of relationships. You can go on dates, watch the first season of Seinfeld together, read books together, go to concerts, go to parties… whatever. Know that there is always more than just sex. Relationships are about much more than just sex.
3. Try to find an outlet for your partner. If you are dating a sexual person, you should be able to appreciate the fact that his / her sexual needs must be met. How you do that together depends entirely on you. For example, you could encourage him / her to have sex with other people. Rather than satisfying your own desires, make love to actually make love to your partner. You can choose to satisfy your partner with toys instead of your body. Talk about it, and try to find a way that works for both of you.
4. Do what works for you. At the end of the song, the relationship is all about what works best for both of you. Don't let other people judge you or tell you what a relationship should look like. If you and your partner are happy and satisfied, then don't do anything else.
5. Recognize a bad match. Even if you really like someone and you like the time you spent together, you may just be incompatible. If your partner has sexual needs that you simply cannot meet, or if he / she cannot respect your needs, it may be better to end the relationship

Tips

• About 1-2% of the population is asexual. So you don't have to feel terribly lonely or strange (if you are asexual).
• Tumblr is a great meeting point for the LGBT + (nowadays increasingly referred to as MOGAI: Marginalized orientations, gender alignments, and intersex) community.

Warnings

• Seek help if your feelings are getting too much for you. We want you to be able to keep sharing your beautiful mind with the rest of the world!